Chapter 1

Guilt

"Cut! Let's take a break muna!" malakas na sigaw ni Jade, ang photographer habang nakakunot ang noo nitong nakatingin sa akin. Napakurap ako ng ilang beses at bumuntong-hininga bago dahan dahang bumaba sa platform.

"What's with you today, Beautrin? You are not yourself. You are too preoccupied that you can't even pose for a nice shot!" iritado nitong saad ng makalapit na ako. Kaagad na lumapit sa akin si Miya, my manager, at kaagad na hinawakan ang aking braso.

I sighed.

I know how much I've dissapointed the whole team today, maski ako ay dissapointed din sa sarili but I can't seem to focus today. I can't seem to function well lalo na't paulit ulit na nagre-replay sa utak ko ang mga nangyari kagabi.

"You dissapointed us today, Trin. You should fix this lalo na at nagmamadali tayo."

"Jade please, pagpahingahin na muna natin si Beautrin. She's just stressed out." Puna namin ni Miya. Isang matalim na tingin ang iginawad sa akin ni Jade bago kami tuluyang tinalikuran.

Miya pulled me to the dressing room. When we were alone inside, she immediately faced me. Kitang kita ko rin sa mukha niya ang iritasyon, marahil siguro sa ginawa ko ngayon, pero nababanaag ko rin rito ang pag-aalala.

"Beautrin what's wrong? And don't you ever say na wala dahil hindi ka magkakaganito ngayon kung wala lang. Tell me," naupo ako sa pang-isahang sofa at bumuntong-hininga. This past few days, panay ang buntong hininga ko. I'm so confused pero hindi ko naman alam kung bakit ako malilito.

"Is it about your stupid ex again?" Napangiwi ako at bahagyang sinamaan ng tingin si Miya. She really has no filter in her mouth.

"Stop it. Pagod lang ako at puyat. There's nothing serious." There's no way in hell that I will tell her about what happened to me and Claus last night. There's no way. Dahil alam ko na ang magiging reaksyon niya. And it will turn out really bad.

"And pigs can fly bitch. Oh siya, kunyari naniniwala ako sayo ah. But you should fix this Trin. Umayos ka sa shoot o talagang tayong dalawa ang madadali ng malditang Jade na 'yon." tipid akong tumango kay Miya.

She called the make up artist again for me to have a retouch. While they were fixing my make up and hair, my mind drifted into another world again.

My mind drifted to what happened last night.

Napahigpit ang kapit ko sa sariling kamay habang inaalala ang mga nangyari. There's a part of me that's happy, pero mas nangingibabaw ngayon ang sobrang guilt. I can't believe that I did that.

Really? I stoop on that kind of level dahil sa sobra kong pagmamahal kay Claus. I betrayed my twin sister just because I can't find myself slowly letting go of the man who was once mine.

Shit!

That was really a not so nice move. May nangyari sa amin for God's sake! At hindi lang isang beses na nangyari 'yon. He took me many times in the most possible yet impossible ways. Last night was a pure bless, at ngayon ko lang tuluyang na-realize kung gaano ka-desperada ang ginawa ko.

I... took advantage of him being drunk, and him mistaking me for my twin sister. I took advantage of his weakness, and I realize how bad I was for doing that.

I... was selfish. Well, still is. And I'm not proud of that. I betrayed my twin.

"Miss..." naimulat ko ang aking mata dahil sa mahinang yugyog sa aking balikat.

I sighed. "Yes?"

"We're done na po. Pinapatawag na daw po kayo dun sa labas para masimulan na ulit ang shoot." I stiffly nodded.

I let out a loud sigh before I stood up. Tinitigan ko ang sarili sa salamin. But I can't see no one, other than a woman who lowered herself for a man who can't love her back anymore.

Stupid. I am stupid but no one can blame me. No one.

Nang makalabas ng dressing room ay kaagad akong pumunta sa platform para masimulan na ang shoot. It turned out fine. Just fine. That wasn't my best. And today, I wasn't in my best self because I was freaking feeling guilty for what I did last night.

After the exhausting shoot ay kaagad na akong nagbihis. Nagmamadali pa ako palabas ng building and Miya thought I was in a hurry to meet someone. Hindi na niya ako napigilan pa ng sumakay ako sa sariling sasakyan.

I drove straightly to my condo. I gave my key to the valet so he could park my car on my usual parking area. Hindi ko pinansin ang mga bumabati sa akin habang papasok ng building dahil sumasakit ang ulo ko.

I just want to rest. I want to rest hoping that my guiltiness will eventually fade.

Pagkatapos kong maligo at magbihis ay kaagad akong humilata sa kama. I thought that I will be able to rest while in my bed. Pero mas lalo lang akong nilulunod ng mga iniisip ko.

Claus...

I curled myself in my blanket.

What happened to us?

We were fine. Buong akala ko ay hindi na kami magkakahiwalay pa. With him, I felt like nothing would go wrong. I thought our life was a fairytale. Mahal ko siya, and he love me the same.

Pero...

Pero isang pagkakamali ang nagawa ko. I did a mistake that broke our relationship and us. I want to explain myself to him. But how can I? How can I do that when he's not even giving me a chance to talk to him without feeling disgusted at me everytime that he sees me?

Pero kung mag-e-explain ako sa kaniya. I doubt that he'll believe me. He will never hear and believe me. I know that. But I never stop on trying to reach for him, to win him over again. I never give up on him dahil kahit na galit din ako sa kaniya mahal ko pa rin siya. My love for him is greater than the anger that I am feeling.

But he... he gave up on us. He dropped me like a hot potato while I am still trying my hardest to hold him.

He's over me. But I am not. And this time, I wish that I haven't meet him because I don't want myself to turn into someone that I am not.