Chapter 32

“Aaron,”Grandpa choked out,“you need to come to the hospital.As soon as possible.”

Fear curled in my gut and gripped my heart.“Why?What’s going on?”

I heard my grandpa crying,and I knew.Mom was gone.I didn’t know how I knew or why she was dead,but he didn’t have to say another word.“I’ll be right there.”

I pushed away from Jeff and slid down the bed.“I have to go to the hospital.Can I use your truck?”My voice was eerily calm.Quiet.

“I’ll take you.Aaron?What’s wrong?”

I turned to look at him,my head feeling heavy.“Mom is gone.”

He scrunched up his face.“Gone?What…gone?Oh,my God.”He jumped out of bed.“Get dressed.I’ll go tell my mom.”

I stood up.My limbs felt numb.Heavy.All I wanted to do was crawl under those covers and feel Jeff’s arms around me.Mom was gone and I might be losing my best friend.The wave of despair threatened to drown me,but I fought it.Fought the desire to close my eyes and pretend it was all okay.Fought the overwhelming urge to cry and scream at the world.I had to be tough.I had to be the man my sister and grandparents needed.I couldn’t drown,no matter how much I somehow welcomed the idea of letting that wave crash over and take me down with it.

Jeff rushed back into the room and threw on some sweats and a shirt.I struggled to pull on a pair of jeans.He grabbed a T-shirt from the drawer and threw it at me.“Put this on,Aaron.I’ll meet you downstairs.”

By the time I tugged the shirt over my head,he was already gone.I slid on my shoes,sans socks,and made my way down the stairs.My heart thudded against my chest and I wanted to move faster,but I couldn’t get my limbs to obey.

Jeff’s eyes shone bright with unshed tears.It reminded me that he had cried earlier and I still wondered why.Our fight didn’t really matter now.I just needed to see my mom.My gut flipped and I fought the urge to vomit.My mom.What happened?I didn’t understand.I’d seen her just a few hours ago.

We rode to the hospital in silence.He didn’t even turn on the radio,which was fine with me.I appreciated he didn’t ask any questions.Our friendship might be ending,but he was a good man.He was still there for me.I didn’t want to think about losing him right then.It was too much.Not the same day I’d lost my mom.

The night had turned dark,with the moon and stars hidden behind clouds.The rest of the town was in bed asleep,it seemed.Houses lay in darkness,with businesses closed.Why did people die at night,I wondered.

Had she been in pain?Had she cried out?Had she been alone?A sob escaped my lips and I swiped at my face,angry that tears had begun to fall.I didn’t have time for this.Not now.

When we reached the hospital,Jeff pulled up to the main doors and I jumped out.“Thanks,”I murmured,trying my best to urge my legs forward.It took all my energy to put one step in front of the other,but I did it.

Minutes later,when I stepped out of the elevator,I saw my grandparents sitting outside Mom’s room.Pamela was on my grandma’s lap,her head buried in her hands.Grandma and Grandpa looked shocked.Pale.

I was standing in front of them before anyone even knew I was there.“Grandpa?”

His gaze moved to me and recognition flickered.“Aaron.”His voice was flat.

“What happened?”

Grandma took hold of my hand.Pamela didn’t move and I realized she must be exhausted.“It was a ruptured aneurysm,honey.She complained of a headache earlier,but…we didn’t know…she died instantly.”

Instantly.That meant no pain,right?

“They called it a subarachnoid hemorrhage.”Grandpa’s voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear him.“Do you want to see her and…and say goodbye?”

I nodded,my eyes on the closed door to her room.“She’s in there?”

His shoulders shook as he glanced that way.“Yes,”he answered,his voice cracking.My grandma squeezed my hand,then let go so she could rub his back.

When I got to the door,my feet wouldn’t take the next steps.My breathing came faster.I closed my eyes and pressed my hand on the door.It felt cold.Was my mom cold?I had never seen a dead body.And this was my mom.Shit.I didn’t know what to do.I needed to see her,but I didn’t want to say goodbye.My skin prickled and I broke out in a cold sweat.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and expected to see my grandpa,but it was Jeff.With his ice blue eyes rimmed in red,he looked miserable,but his touch comforted me.

“You can do this,Aaron,”he assured me,his voice whisper soft.“I’ll be right here.”

A tear fell from my eye,and I wiped it away.He was right.I coulddo this.I neededto do this.I pushed open the door and stepped into the room.

The first thing I noticed was a smell—sort of like bleach.Had that been there before?The blinds were closed,and even though the lights were on,the room seemed dark.My mother lay in her bed,the blanket pulled up to her shoulders.I drifted toward her,my heart slamming into my ribs by the time I reached her side.

If I didn’t know any better,I would have thought her asleep.She looked peaceful,which felt off,because I hadn’t seen her look like that in years.Worry and fear had been a constant on her face,but never tranquility.Was she finally at peace?

I tentatively touched her wrist.Like the door,she felt cold.Clammy.I pulled back my hand and tried to calm my breathing.This was only her shell.She was already gone.

“Mom…I don’t know what to say.I…love you so much.Thank you for being such a good mom and I promise to watch over Pamela.”Tears flowed,and I shivered as I turned to go.She really wasgone.

I walked out of the room and tried to focus through my tears,but everything swam in front of me.

“We’re waiting on the organ donation people to get here,”Grandma offered.“She would want that.”

I nodded,completely agreeing with her.Mom is…wasgenerous and loving.“How long will that take?”

“I’m not sure.Why don’t you go home with Jeff and we’ll talk tomorrow?I’m taking Pamela home in a few minutes and your grandpa is going to stay.”

I glanced at my grandpa,speaking to someone in scrubs,a doctor or a nurse.“You don’t want me to stay?”

“There’s no need,honey.The next few days are going to be difficult,and right now,sleep is the best thing for all of us.”She glanced at my grandpa before looking back at me.“You know she wanted to be cremated,right?”

“Yes.We discussed that a few times.”God,I’d never really thought about it in reality,though.It was just something we’d talked about.

“You said goodbye?”

“Yes.”I was winding down,emotionally.What more was there to say?

“We’ll talk to the funeral home in the morning and set it up.I’ll call you as soon as we know everything.”

Jeff had been leaning against the wall,hovering on the edge of our family discussion.He came to stand next to me.“I’m so sorry.Do you need anything?”he asked my grandma.