Chapter 152: Taste Death
Curling my hands in a powerless fist, I lowered my head in woe. The anguish I went through was immense, I almost forgot how it felt to be powerless.
It was just as horrendous as I remembered.
“Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Rajioon,” (Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will all return.)
After reciting the dua Muslims typically after someone dies or experiences something unfortunate or disastrous, I rose from the ground.
“Thank you for saving my love. I will ensure you won’t go without a proper funeral, Saira,”
Enunciated, I motioned to the maids to take care of her body and went to check up on Erhan first.
I was afraid to confront Aalifa.
“How is Erhan?”
“He is okay, he has lost blood. We need to do a blood transplant but he’d be alright.” That lady, Gracie, informed me politely.
Me and Mother sighed in relief but nothing could ease the heaviness on my chest. Today’s incident has become my regret, my remorse.
I strayed.
I did not anticipate this much damage.
My whole being was numb, my breaths were suffocating me. It was so hard to even lift a step yet as the head of the house, I first put Mother to sleep.
I had no words for consolation, I was exhausted.
After gathering my courage, I went to see Nathaniel who was looking out into nothingness after treating Aalifa.
“Nathaniel,”
“Zaviyaar,”
“Hmm?”
Keeping up that emotionless face, he turned to me, inclining his elbow on the balustrade.
“Do know life is not in my hands. Those who are destined to come into this world, will. And those who don’t, won't.”
Stopping in my tracks, I swallowed hard in dread, “What… Do you mean?”
“I accepted the Ultimate Protection for your wife. She is fine but…”
“But?”
Please do not be something unbearable, I couldn’t carry more pain. I need a break from this abysmal life, please, no bad news-
“The fetus inside her was already dead. It was too weak to survive anyways, I doubt it would have made it in the first place.”
My heart skipped a beat when he spoke so seriously that I felt frozen. My feet glued to the ground as a horrible shiver went down my spine.
“Wh-What?”
I could feel an unwanted tear brimming. Nathaniel averted his gaze to pretend he didn’t notice though the tear was transparent.
“I would suggest performing D&C before it becomes infectious or results in anything severe. I am sorry for your loss, Zaviyaar,”
Walking past me, Nathaniel placed his hand over my shoulder for support which failed too.
I could feel my world crashing.
Everything was becoming too much for me.
I held pride in my power, in my capabilities, in myself, I had so much esteem but all of it was becoming meaningless.
My soul felt scattering and I realized-
‘Bonds based upon sins could never find redemption.’
Her sins were haunting her and now… I think I would feel the same.
I comprehended the harsh fact- As long as Aalifa would stay with me, she won’t be happy.
I was praying, probably the most miserable prayer of my life. Sitting on the ground because I felt like that was where I belonged.
I was dust, I felt like I was nothing, worthless.
With a shattered heart, my trembling hands were hiding my heartbroken expressions and tears. Nothing in my family, in my life, was right.
“Ya Allah, why me? Why is it happening to me?”
Whispering painfully, I let out a muffled cry. The crushing inside me was becoming unendurable but then I ask myself-
‘Did you forget the homes you had destroyed? Did you forget their curses?’
All of it was the result of my wrongdoings. Nothing in my life could be blessed for who I was.
I was bound to destruction, it was puerile of me to desire happiness.
When I fucking didn’t deserve it!
Sniffling, I slammed my hands down, wiping my tears, hating myself more than anything. Pressing my teeth, I held my breath until Nathaniel who was about to leave came.
“Wasn’t it Sufiyan who was too religious? When did you start praying?”
Swallowing hard, I wiped any sign of tears and glanced at him with a dead look.
“Circumstances.”
“Do they help?” He smirked, hands resting in his pockets and came closer as I replied honestly.
“Surely lighten the weight on your chest. Sometimes we should trust the plans made from above,”
“Even if they hurt?”
To his intrigued filled question, I smiled hollowly, “Who in this world lives a smooth life? Who is here without pain and suffering?”
“Fair point,”
“Can I see Aalifa?”
“She is unconscious, go and wake her up for the funeral too, my work is done, I am leaving.” He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.
His unbothered posture stung me. The man before me lost his whole family, lost his future, his dreams, faced too much hardship.
Yet clinging onto life and seeing him standing upright with the strongest title, with all the power made me feel… inferior.
“You must be thinking I am so pathetic, right?”
I chuckled emptily, losing my grip on my composure, letting out a weak tear.
He paused, arching an eyebrow as he came forth, looking down at my form on the ground, unable to look up from misery.
He studied my expressions for a whole minute, with a strange look, probably to comprehend something and ended up releasing a sigh.
“No, the situation was difficult. Never forget, Zaviyaar, even the strongest can break.”
My eyes widened with a weird stung. Shaking his head, he took a seat, lifting his head to affix it at the ceiling with a tender smile coming to his hardened features.
“I could never forget my late sister’s face and after it, I don’t want any child in this world to die.”
He chuckled, “I adore babies, they are the only innocent being in this world, sinless, innocent, adorable, obviously.”
“Me too,”
And then looked down with a grieved look.
“And when they die, it shatters my heart,”
“That is why I am afraid to have a family, the type of lives we are leading, being a protector and criminal at the same time is impossible.”
Explaining the difficult state, he rose again, gaining his heartless form again while spitting facts.
He stabbed my heart with the truth. No matter how much I deny it, I couldn’t as he laughed painfully while walking away.
“Sooner or later, our families will be dragged into this mess and die miserably just like mine did,”
He left after telling me a harsh reality. He was not wrong, if people around us couldn’t protect themselves, they couldn’t survive.
“I couldn’t protect… my family…”
Whispering sorrowfully, my body trembled as tears began to blur my vision. Convulsing, those words were too much. I made them my purpose of existence.
What would it mean to my life if I couldn’t provide my family a smooth life?
Amid this misery, I could no longer see a future for me and Aalifa together.