Chapter 78: Breaking With or Without

Chad’s brows furrowed. Their eyes locked and time seemed to have stopped at the moment. Stacy’s face showed no expression. The pain of her palm caught between Chad’s fist and the tree trunk’s hard surface was put aside. She felt unnaturally calm. More like numb. Numb to the feelings she should be having at the moment. Numb to the physical pain that should be there. Numb to everything in her surroundings.

Chad lowered his arm slowly. Never once did he break eye contact. Stacy remained calm and composed under his intense stare.

Time ticked by but they remained unmoving. The only sound around them was the rustling of leaves in the night air. There were only him, and her, accompanied by the night breeze.

She made the first move by lowering her hand. She could feel the tear from where her skin was in contact with the tree bark, stuck together with the presence of her drying blood. It should be really painful. It’s painful. But her mind didn’t seem to register what the body felt, as if there was a layer of transparent wall between her and her surroundings, muffling her senses to reduce their effects.

Chad’s eyes fell on her wound, officially breaking the eye contact they held for God-knows-how-long. His frown deepened as he held her hand nearer to his face. Her skin was torn from the friction, showing fresh blood on raw skin.

“Why did you do that?” He broke the silence, watching her as he saw the shadows of her previous self. “That’s a question for you,” she said instead. “Why did you hit him? Why did you storm off like that?”

Chad’s jaw clicked. “He’s been an asshole for too long. I have lost count of the times I heard him causing trouble while drunk.”

Stacy studied him, taking in his stiff form and the frown barely showing on his face.

“Thank you,” her voice was small but he heard it. “I could have handled it myself but you stepped in anyway. So, thank you. I’m touched, really.”

He was taken aback. The old Stacy wouldn’t say such a thing. She might simply nod and walk away. The Stacy in front of him was thanking him, explaining why she did and looking completely sincere.

It’s true that he wasn’t prepared to admit that he lost it when he saw and heard how Matt talked to her. He was still trying to understand why he did what he did.

“It hasn't been easy,” she said when it’s obvious that Chad wasn’t going to answer. “I was having a hard time after waking up not remembering anything. I feel empty and vulnerable. Everyone but me knows me and my story. I have to work hard to observe everything and everyone, trying to act appropriately and not be weird.”

Chad’s expression softened. “You don’t have to worry. Just be yourself and let the past be the past. This,” he paused to gesture, “is you. Your current self. The real you.” His voice was barely audible at the end of the sentence.

“That is what I have been convincing myself to do. I try to explore and find out what really appeals to me. I try to live life like a normal person. I try to interact with everyone, cause I thought that maybe that was a normal thing I did before I lost my memory. At some point, I started to doubt. Is this the life I used to have?

There are many people around here. If I used to stay here, was this the relationship I had with everyone? Am I that different that they can’t function around me? I start to think that maybe..” Chad took a step nearer and placed his hand on her shoulder, cutting her off mid-sentence. “Don’t overthink it. That’s the way those men are.”

“No, let me finish,” Stacy snapped, wincing a little at the intensity of her voice but didn’t stop. She could feel like he was brushing her off.

“I was thinking, did I do something irreversible before the incident? Was it something I did? Was it that bad? Is that what everyone was hiding from me? What did I do?” Tears welled in her eyes. “I want to know. I can’t seem to recall anything.

Everyone around me keeps things away from me. Whenever I said something or tried to ask something, people tensed, eyes darting away, brushing me off, giving me a general answer. There’s something you guys are not telling me. I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t even trust myself. Everyone is hiding something from me.”

Chad couldn’t help feeling guilty. “That includes you!” She growled. “You claimed that we have some kind of relationship but you are not being honest with me. I developed some kind of dependence on you over time. When you are there, I feel safe. I trust you because somehow, I feel that you really treat me sincerely. Somewhere in between, I started to doubt it. Maybe I only feel this way because you are the only person I can depend on. I have no choice,” tears started streaming down her face like a broken dam. “and.. I.. I don’t know..”

Chad pulled her into his embrace. He held her gently as she sobbed into his chest. “I hate myself,” her voice came out muffled with her face pressed against his chest. The vibration from her words spread in his body and straight into his heart. Goosebumps formed on his skin. He held her tighter as he stroked her hair.

They stayed like that for a long time. Her sobs faded and eventually he let go of her.

“Do you really want to know what happened?” Her heart stuttered at the question. A deep feeling of uncertainty settled in her heart. “What’s the catch?” She had to ask.

“Even if it’s really bad,” he studied her expression carefully. She gulped at his words. “Do you still want to know?”