Chapter 63: Chased by Guilt

No. It’s impossible that Kenn killed his own brother. All of this must be nothing more than a story he made up to scare me.

I shook my head slowly, trying to calm my thoughts. But I still couldn’t feel at ease.

"You’re not joking to scare me, are you?" I asked softly, trying to find a crack of deception on his stiff face. "Tell me this is just a joke."

Kenn ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "I saw it myself, Frel. I saw how his life disappeared while I could only lie there with minor injuries. Do you think I deserve to live peacefully?"

I froze when I saw the fragility behind the arrogant figure I had known all this time. Turns out, he was carrying a burden far heavier than I could ever imagine.

"When did the accident happen?" I continued, my voice starting to tremble.

"Three years ago," he answered briefly.

"That’s all?" I pressed. "What happened three years ago?"

Kenn took a long breath, as if the air around us was too heavy to inhale.

"This is all my fault," he finally said. His voice sounded hoarse. "I caused that accident."

I swallowed hard. "How could that happen?"

"Back then, my steering wobbled because I was too arrogant about my speed, then a truck hit us from the right side. I was dragged for several meters and slammed against the asphalt." He paused for a moment, then clenched his fists. "As for Hendra, he was trapped there. His head was soaked in blood and he ... ah!" Kenn groaned loudly and then grabbed his own hair in deep frustration.

"Kenn.…" My voice was barely audible.

"I should have been the one who died," he muttered softly.

I didn’t know why, but suddenly my emotions were ignited again. Logic and fear mixed together into an uncontrollable anger.

"So it’s true that you caused your brother’s death? You, with that motorcycle?" I accused, my voice rising. "You already know the consequences of speeding on the road, so why did you do it again to me just now? Do you want to make me die the same way?"

"Stop it, Frel," Kenn hissed softly.

"Oh, I see. Don’t tell me you actually intend to kill me too, just like you killed your brother? That’s right, isn’t it? You want me to die by your hands as well, huh?"

"I already told you, I didn’t do it on purpose!" Kenn shouted. He suddenly stood straight in front of me, making me flinch and step back several steps. "Do you think I enjoy the reality that I’m still breathing while my brother is buried under the ground?"

"Then why do you still speed? Why do you still act as if lives are worthless?" I challenged him.

"I truly didn’t do it on purpose earlier," he said softly afterward. His face looked so tormented, as if he were carrying the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. "Today marks exactly three years since Hendra’s death. And that place earlier, the location where I sped like a madman, was the exact point where the fatal accident happened. I lost control of myself. I felt as if I saw Hendra’s shadow standing in front of me, calling me to follow him."

Kenn began pacing back and forth restlessly. He looked terrified, his hands repeatedly clutching his hair until it was a mess.

"Every day I deliberately speed on the road. I hope there will be another truck willing to crash into my motorcycle and wipe me out of this world," he said in a shattered voice.

My heart seemed to stop beating when I heard Kenn’s last words. Was he suffering that much over his brother’s death, to the point that he wanted to end his life in the same way?

I could only stand there stiffly, watching Kenn’s expressions and movements. I was confused about what to do. Right now, he looked like someone who felt the need to be blamed and utterly hopeless at the same time.

Suddenly Kenn turned his back to me and screamed at the top of his lungs, "I’m a murderer! I killed my own brother! I’m a murderer, God! I can’t bear this guilt any longer. I’ll go crazy!"

Reflexively, I covered my mouth. Oh God, Kenn. So all this time he had been carrying that guilt alone? His scream seemed to signal helplessness. Emotion and sorrow were clearly reflected on his face.

I gathered my courage and approached him. One of his hands rested against the tree trunk, his head bowed, his breathing uneven. My hand lifted, about to touch his shoulder, but I hesitated and lowered it again.

"Enough, Kenn." I moistened my lips, which felt dry. "I believe God has heard you for a long time. But not everything that happens always goes according to what we want."

"Then what do you think I should do? Do you want me to just stay silent while this guilt keeps chasing me wherever I go, huh?!" he suddenly shouted after turning to face me.

Unprepared for that outburst of anger, I jolted backward again and spoke haltingly. "That’s not what I mean. But by dying, you won’t fix anything."

"Then what? Should I pretend to be happy?"

He stared at me sharply, yet I could see a very deep wound behind that gaze.

I tried to be patient in dealing with his attitude. "Listen to me, there wouldn’t be an older brother who wants to see his younger sibling carry guilt for a lifetime. Everything that happens is God’s will, Kenn. No matter how often you try to end your life, it is still God who decides. We will never know when and how we will die. Only God knows."

I bit my lower lip, then cleared my throat softly. "I hope you don’t do something forbidden by religion. Suicide is a grave sin, Kenn. There are still many people out there whose lives are not as fortunate as yours. It would be better if you changed the way you ride. If you want to do something for your brother, fulfill his wishes. I mean, who knows, before your brother passed away, he might have had a final request for you."

I felt like I was talking too much. I fell silent instantly while watching Kenn, worried that his emotions might explode again. However, surprisingly, Kenn’s emotions slowly subsided. His gaze was no longer as sharp as before.

Suddenly, a sense of pity crept into my heart when I saw the dimness in his eyes. The play of light falling on his face made me certain that Kenn missed his brother dearly.

"There is one," Kenn’s voice broke the silence after we had been quiet for quite some time. "Hendra had a final request. About Gita."

"Gita? What does she have to do with him?" I frowned, feeling confused.

"Yes. Gita ... Hendra’s first love, my brother."

"WHAT??"

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