Chapter 135: Identity on a Piece of Paper

Silence enveloped us for several minutes. I sat frozen on the hospital park bench, channeling all the turmoil of my emotions into my fingers that tightly gripped the wooden edges on both sides of my body. My gaze was fixed straight on the creeping plants in front of me, trying hard to suppress the anger that had briefly flared up.

I let out a long breath to steady my increasingly rapid breathing.

“Has your emotion still not gone down?” I turned toward Kenn, who was sitting beside me on the same bench. His gaze showed his concern for me. “Do you want to talk about something? If it can make you calmer, let it all out.”

“I’m confused about where to start,” I answered softly while squeezing the hem of my shirt.

Kenn shifted slightly closer. “Start with what is suffocating your chest the most right now. I’m here to listen, not to judge.”

I lowered my head while giving a bitter smile. “I just didn’t expect it.”

“About what?” Kenn asked.

“That woman ... the woman whose fashion style I often use as a reference, whose photos are even often fought over by Dara and me, turns out to be the mother of Abel and Reno. I can’t understand how she could be so heartless as to leave Reno, who was seriously ill, and abandon Abel, who was only four years old. Does she have no conscience?”

I raised my head, staring emptily ahead. “Aren’t babies a gift from God? Aren’t children a blessing? Then why must they be thrown away, Kenn?”

“Maybe some people are indeed born without a conscience, or they are too cowardly to face responsibility,” Kenn said in a heavy tone.

I shook my head with a bitter smile. “No, Kenn. I think the answer is because they did not want the existence of children like us.”

Kenn’s brow furrowed. He looked at me as if waiting for me to continue.

“You know, every time I see Abel and Reno, I always remember my own past.” I smiled bitterly. “Yes. I see a little child who is confused, searching for reasons why the world is so unfair to her.”

My eyes felt hot. I knew tears would soon fall, but I held them back with all my strength until my nose felt sore. I lifted my head to look at the sky, hoping this would keep my tears in place. Up there, the clouds seemed to gather. My thoughts drifted far away, calling back fragments of the past that I had tightly stored in my memory.

“My past is no different from Abel and Reno’s. I was a child abandoned by my own parents, Kenn.” I took a breath that felt increasingly tight in my chest. I lifted my legs onto the bench, hugged my knees, and rested my head there with an empty gaze. “They threw me away in front of my grandmother’s door, leaving only my full name on that cursed piece of paper.”

“That paper ... is it still there?” Kenn asked very carefully.

“No. But its contents are engraved in my head, like a tattoo that can’t be erased,” I replied.

Unconsciously, a single tear fell. I quickly wiped it away roughly with the back of my hand.

“Grandma and Grandpa are not my biological family. They don’t share even a drop of blood with me. I am an unwanted child.” I swallowed hard. My voice turned hoarse. “Since I was little, I thought my cheerfulness came from Grandma’s love as my real family, but it turns out that wasn’t true. When I entered seventh grade of junior high school, I finally learned the truth. Grandma was just a stranger who was willing to raise me without caring about my unclear origins.”

I blinked repeatedly to chase away the haze that covered my vision. But instead, the tears fell even more heavily, soaking my cheeks in drops that seemed unwilling to stop.

I tightened my embrace around my knees. My body suddenly trembled. “Back then, Grandma and Grandpa should have just burned that paper. They should have thrown away that name and replaced it with a name they gave themselves. I value their gift far more than the gift from parents who weren’t even willing to give birth to me.”

“So all this time, you’ve felt that your identity is a burden?” Kenn whispered, as if afraid his voice would hurt me even more.

“Not a burden. It is a curse that I have to carry for the rest of my life,” I replied bitterly.

Something felt stuck in my throat, making it hard for me to breathe.

“If the name Frel weren’t because of Grandma and Grandpa’s fondness, a name taken from the combination of both their names, I wouldn’t be willing to bear it.”

I fell silent for a moment. My breathing roared, my heart thundered, and my heartbeat became uncontrollable.

That anger returned. “My parents are cruel, Kenn. I’m not willing to use the name they gave me. They have no right after throwing me away just like that. I hate them. I really hate them. I—”

I covered my face with my palms. I couldn’t continue my words. My defenses completely collapsed. I cried in sobs, my shoulders shaking violently. Remembering the past always made my emotions unstable in an instant.

I let myself cry. This time, I wanted to release everything without caring who saw me, including Kenn. I truly couldn’t endure it anymore. I was tired of constantly crying in secret behind Grandma and Grandpa’s backs. I was tired of covering my wounds with fake cheerfulness, and I was exhausted from bearing my sadness alone.

Let this time I cry as much as I want without thinking about other people’s opinions and without pretending to be strong. Let me, at this moment, be my weak self, showing my true self that has been hidden all this time.

I didn’t know how long I was drowned in my tears until I felt my hands being gently pulled. Kenn was now squatting in front of me. He looked at me softly, a sincere smile carved on his lips.

Both his hands cupped my cheeks, forcing me to look into his pair of black eyes. “If you can’t handle it, don’t continue. I understand how you feel. If you want to cry, don’t hold it back anymore. From now on, you can share all the burdens of your heart with me.” His thumbs slowly moved to wipe away the remaining tears. “Now, smile. Your tears are too precious to me. Please, smile for me ...,” Kenn frowned slightly. “Frel?”

A small grin escaped his lips along with the nickname that I heard from his mouth for the first time.

Instantly, I smiled, even letting out a small chuckle. I didn’t expect that in the end, Kenn would be willing to say my name.

“My name ... sounds different when you say it,” I said in a hoarse yet sincere voice.

Kenn chuckled softly. “That’s because I say it with all my heart. So, can we start smiling now?”

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