Chapter 120: Not an Easy Choice

When we arrived at a quiet corner of the park, I began to pour everything out. I told her how foolish I was for constantly questioning my identity, trying so hard to choose between two crossroads by relying only on my feelings. Yet, I always pushed those feelings aside whenever Kenn’s image filled my mind.

What happened earlier, when Kenn’s gaze was fixed on Gita, made me fully understand who had been living in my heart all this time. Logically, I wanted to keep choosing Kevan, but my heart had its own way of deciding its owner.

“Maybe Kenn only meant to help Gita, Frel. I’m sure he loves you, not Gita. Come on, don’t cry anymore. The most important thing is that now you’ve realized who your feelings are for,” Dara said as she sat sideways facing me.

Suddenly, the image of Kevan with his sorrowful gaze crossed my mind, triggering doubts that attacked me again.

I took a long breath and let it out weakly. “It’s all too late, Dara. I’m already with Kevan.” I lowered my head, trying to hide the pain that pressed in.

“It’s not too late if you decide to end that relationship now.”

My head instantly turned quickly toward Dara. I frowned in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Yes, you have to break up with Kevan.”

My eyes widened at Dara’s casually spoken answer. “Are you crazy? Kevan hasn’t done anything wrong in this.”

“Kevan is a good person, Frel. He will surely understand your situation right now. Besides, what’s the point of forcing a relationship if one side doesn’t have feelings? Right?”

I shook my head, unable to understand my best friend’s way of thinking. I took a deep breath, then fully turned my body to face Dara.

“Dara, precisely because Kevan is too kind, I don’t have the heart to break up with him. It feels like I’ll never be able to hurt his heart.” Something seemed to clog my throat as tears fell. “I don’t know why, there’s something that always makes me want to see him smile and be happy. Moreover, his whole family has accepted me as I am, especially Mr. Aditya.”

I lowered my head and once again wiped my tears. Why had I become so weak like this?

“Forgive me, Frel. It’s not that I don’t think about Kevan’s feelings, but I prioritize your happiness above anyone else. You deserve to be happy. You’ve already lost your parents’ affection, I just don’t want you to suffer anymore.”

I suddenly lifted my head and stared sharply at Dara. She immediately fell silent, cutting off her own sentence. My chest felt tight, but this time not because of sadness, but because of a different emotion.

“I’ve told you never to mention them again! I don’t need their affection. Grandpa and Grandma are enough for me. Listen, if you talk about them again—”

“Yes, I understand. I just don’t want to see you sad anymore, Frel! I’ve seen enough of you crying every time you remember your parents. I don’t want there to be another cause that makes you suffer.”

I turned my face toward the small lake in front of me while crossing my arms over my chest. “Nonsense! Who said I’m sad without them? I’m actually grateful that I don’t have any memories of them.”

“Please, don’t keep being like this. Don’t lie to yourself. I know that every time you see a couple with their child, you often cry alone. Do you think I don’t know?”

I immediately stood up, my eyes glaring sharply at Dara. “Enough, Dara!”

Dara stood up as well, so now we were facing each other. “You don’t need to lie to me. I know that even though you say you don’t need them, your heart really wants to meet them. You pretend to hate your own parents just to cover up your overwhelming longing. Isn’t that right?”

“DARA, I SAID ENOUGH!”

I covered both my ears with my hands and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I didn’t want to hear those words anymore. They were extremely painful, more than anything.

A few seconds later, I dropped my hands, my emotions blazing.

“Yes, you’re right! I am jealous every time I see a child being spoiled by their parents, while I’ve never felt that. I always feel unwanted. I feel like a discarded child! You said I miss them? Yes, you’re right. But do they miss me too? Have they ever tried to find me? Answer me, Dara!”

My chest rose and fell as my hands clenched tightly. “You will never understand my feelings because you have a complete family. You’ve never been in my position. You’ve never felt what it’s like to hide from Grandpa and Grandma every time you want to cry.”

“I’ve been your friend since childhood, Frel. I understand all your feelings.”

“No. You don’t understand.” I stepped back slowly as my vision began to blur from tears. “If you understood my feelings, you wouldn’t tell me to end my relationship with Kevan.”

“I’ve told you, I just want you to be happy,” Dara explained while ruffling her hair in frustration.

“But not by sacrificing Kevan! You should know, my happiness is with Kevan’s family. They treat me like their own child. Even every time I’m near Mr. Aditya, I often think that he is the real father figure for me.”

Dara fell silent for a moment. I narrowed my eyes, staring straight into hers. She looked at me uncertainly while standing restlessly.

“What I’m worried about is that you feel too comfortable in Kevan’s family and end up ignoring your own feelings. I’m afraid your heart will suffer later. You’re sacrificing your love to get illusory affection.”

“Illusory? What do you mean?” Carried away by emotion, without realizing it, I stepped forward and pushed Dara’s shoulder.

Dara gasped. “Wait, Frel. What I mean is, you long too much for parental affection in your imagination. When you start feeling comfortable in Kevan’s family, you excessively regard them as substitutes for your biological parents. Wake up, they are still strangers who only know you because you are Kevan’s girlfriend. That affection is temporary. If you break up with Kevan, I’m sure their affection will disappear too.”

“And unfortunately, I won’t let that happen. Their affection is more important than anything.”

After saying that, I immediately walked away, leaving Dara behind.

“Hey, Frel! Don’t forget to break up, okay! I’m willing to be your matchmaker with Kenn. Hey, where are you going?”

I kept walking quickly, leaving Dara and her shouts that gradually grew fainter.

Thankfully, she had returned to her usual self. Dara was indeed always over the top, except when it came to my parents, she would drastically become very serious. The same went for Tomi. Besides Grandpa and Grandma, they were the ones who understood everything about my past.

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