Chapter 119: A Crack in a Single Glance

For the past few days, I have truly followed Dara and Tomi’s advice. I tried to ask myself and delve into the deepest parts of my heart.

“What are you really looking for, Frel?” I whispered to my reflection in the mirror that morning.

I also tried not to focus on just one point or take anyone’s side. It was indeed difficult, but I had to do it.

I’m sure you understand who I mean. I’m talking about Kenn and Kevan.

Kevan is the name I have always remembered since the first time I asked for his autograph during orientation. Back then, just by looking into his eyes and at his smile, I immediately felt like I wanted to have him. I tried with all my might and searched for every way to be close to him.

When the opportunity came, without thinking twice, I turned into a shameless girl who boldly confessed her feelings in front of him. Even though in the end, it was still Kevan who took over that moment of declaring love.

“I care about you, Frel. I love you,” he said softly at that time while holding my fingers, making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

But I forgot one thing. Was I truly sure about my feelings for Kevan? Or was I merely admiring his personality and physical appearance?

Meanwhile, Kenn was someone who, from the beginning, triggered my emotions because of the sharp words he often threw at me whenever we met.

“Perverted girl. Small body. Move aside!”

That was the beginning of the nickname that ignited my emotions during the orientation activity at the orphanage. It caused immense hatred in my heart. Unfortunately, now he suddenly came with a new side that I had never expected before, making me rethink that he was not as bad as I had thought.

Sadly, I felt trapped in a circle I had created myself. I thought I would be fine and that nothing would happen. But in reality, there was something within me that I had deliberately denied until now. It was related to my heart pounding rapidly when I was with him.

I just realized something. When I am with Kevan, my heart does not beat as fast as when I am with Kenn. To be honest, I have never felt my heart race this fast before, not even with my ex-boyfriends. Even so, I kept convincing myself to keep my feelings anchored to the bond that had already been formed.

“Hold on, Frel. You have chosen Kevan,” I told myself, trying to stay strong.

However, there was something else that disturbed my thoughts and had a fatal effect on my inner peace.

If I conclude that I love Kenn, then what is the meaning of the comfort I get every time I am near Kevan? Every time I look into his eyes, why am I always visited by a calmness whose cause I do not know? As if just by looking into his eyes, I could feel something I had never felt before. Something I desperately needed.

Until finally, a realization completely took over me right before my eyes.

My gaze stared blankly at two people who were coming out of the library. A small incident struck my heart and made my body freeze in place.

“Kenn? Gita?” I whispered softly. My voice was so faint that I wasn’t even sure the sound came from my own mouth. “Why do they have to be there together?”

My eyes couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. In front of me, I saw Gita almost fall, and Kenn helped her by holding her waist. Gita looked at Kenn, and he looked back at her.

“Are you okay?” Kenn asked in a voice that sounded so caring, a tone I thought belonged only to me.

I stood stunned.

We’ve experienced that before, haven’t we, Kenn?

My heart felt as if it were being squeezed and forcibly torn from its place. My chest felt tight and painful, as if something heavy were pressing on it. My breath became hard to release, as if something were deliberately blocking it. My chest thundered violently, and my eyes grew hot.

I shook my head hard. No, it shouldn’t be like this. With all my strength, I held back the pool of tears that had gathered on my eyelids.

“Please, not now. Don’t cry here,” I begged myself.

My steps retreated slowly. With the little strength I had left, I suddenly turned around and ran away from them. I ran while repeatedly wiping the tears that fell onto my cheeks. I ignored the stares of several students.

“Hey, look at that! Why is she crying?” whispered a student I passed, but I didn’t care.

I kept running past them while clutching my chest.

I love him. I love Kenn. Oh God, why did I only realize it now?

“Why am I so late in understanding my own heart?” I sobbed as I ran.

I ran toward my favorite park. Accidentally, along the way, I bumped into someone. I quickly lowered my head to hide my face.

“Are you stupid? If you’re going to run, you should be careful. Don’t you have eyes?”

I flinched when I recognized that voice.

“Hey, you’re just staying silent. Answer me, don’t just look down. There’s no money on the ground.”

I looked up quickly.

“Frel? What’s wrong with you?” Dara asked, her expression instantly turning worried.

I immediately hugged Dara tightly until her words stopped. My defenses had now collapsed. Tears flowed again, soaking my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, hoping the stream of tears would stop.

“I’m broken, Dara. I’m really broken,” I sobbed against her shoulder.

“What’s wrong, Frel? You’re crying? Tell me what happened. Who dared to hurt you like this?” Dara gently rubbed my back.

I released my hug, then looked at her. “I just saw them together, Dara. I can’t bear to see it.”

“See who? Kenn? What did he do?” Dara pressed with an investigative look. “Wait, you have to calm down first. We need to go to the park because there are many people watching here. You can tell me everything there. Take a deep breath, Frel. Follow me,” Dara said soothingly.

I nodded, agreeing with Dara’s suggestion. She grabbed my hand and led me to the park behind the teachers’ building, our favorite place.

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