Chapter 42

Hunter looked at me as if I had taken him by surprise. Then he smiled and shook his head.

“I should have expected you to not shy away from the tough conversations,” he said.

“I don’t know about that. I usually try to avoid direct confrontations. But this thing between us. I like it and I get that this thing with Simon will affect our relationship. But I don’t want us to ignore it just because it makes us uneasy,” I tried to explain. Hunter had stood up and taken out plates to the dishwasher. But he walked back to me and stood beside the barstool I was sitting on.

“You’re right, we shouldn’t let things go unspoken. They will just fester,” he agreed and gave me a light kiss. It was barely a grace on our lips. But it was the first kiss we had shared since our meeting and it made it sweet. “And I appreciate that you have given me time to understand all of this,” he added.

“And I’m willing to give you more time. It’s not like I’m in a hurry. I just want us to be open about it. If you need more time, then take it and let me know when you feel okay to talk about it,” I said. I let my hand go up to his cheek and rest there. I couldn’t remember being this brave around a man ever before. I never took initiative. But as I felt Hunter's beard tickle my palm, I realised it was because I hadn’t been scared to lose any of the other men. Sure, I didn’t want them to leave. But with Hunter I could already feel that if he left, it would break me in ways I didn’t want to think about. Hunter placed his hand on top of mine, trapping it against his face. He turned and kissed my palm.

“I don’t need more time,” he told me. “But I’m afraid that the things I think we need to talk about will cause you pain. I don’t want that,” he explained. I tried to smile, but failed. He was right. There were things we needed to talk about and I knew it would hurt, and be embarrassing. Some of those things I didn’t like to speak about, or think about. Some of them I had only ever told Wictor, some of them I hadn’t even told him.

“It will be okay. I will survive and you will be there. It will be fine,” I reassured him. He looked serious and nodded.

“How about we have this conversation on the couch?” he asked. I nodded and he took my hand and we walked over. We sat close, each of us twisting so we could face each other. My hands were in my lap, playing with the hem of my top. Hunter's one arm rested along the back rest and when he saw how nervous I was, he caressed my cheek with his thumb. “I know my son isn’t a good man. I have had my suspicions about that for a while. You heard Jason. And contrary to what he believes, he hasn’t been as good at covering up how he feels about Simon. But despite telling myself I wouldn’t, I have had a blind spot on how bad it really is,” Hunter started. He paused and looked at me. It looked like he was searching for something. “You are the only one I know that has seen the dark side of him and is willing to tell me about it. Would you tell me about your relationship with him?” he asked. I looked at him.

“Which parts do you want to know?” I asked instead of answering.

“All of it. No graphic details, but I need to understand how you saw him.”

“Are you sure? It’s not a pleasant picture,” I warned him.

“Fuck,” he swore and rubbed his free hand over his face. “I’m sure. I’m no fucking ostrich,” he said and he looked to be bracing. I had to smile at the picture his statement summoned in my mind. Then I nodded. I took a deep breath and started telling him about how Simon and I met, how we started dating and how Wictor was the only one of my friends that had told me Simon was no good.

“Everyone else just told me how lucky I was that someone like Simon wanted to date me. I don’t think they meant anything bad when they said it. But I already had some issues with my self-image and the image stuck with me. I believed them when they said I had hit the jackpot and that I would never find anyone as good as him again,” I told Hunter. It was too hard to look at him, so I looked at my hands while I let the memories flood over me. “If I’m being honest with myself, my interest in Simon died quickly after we started dating. But if this was as good as I was going to get, I told myself it was better to stay. At least I wasn’t alone. When he asked me to marry him I said yes, because that was what I was supposed to do. Wictor got so angry when I told him. If it wasn’t for the fact I think he was afraid for me, I think he would have stopped speaking to me.”

“Was Simon hurting you?” Hunter asked and tucked my hair behind my ear. I shook my head.

“Not at that point. Well, not physically. He had quickly figured out my weak spots and when I disagreed with him or didn’t do as he wanted, he would push all the buttons he knew to make me feel small and worthless. He was good at it. It didn’t help that his mother used every opportunity to tell me that I wasn’t good enough for him and that I should be grateful he was even looking my way.”

“Mandy can be a bitch,” Hunter agreed to my unspoken words. It made my mouth pull up in a small smile.

“Yes she can,” I said.

“So he was hurting you from the start,” Hunter told me. He said it like the hurt Simon had caused me at the beginning was to be taken as seriously as physical violence. He was right, and it was nice hearing how obvious he took the stance.

“Yes. As we got close to the wedding, I started suspecting he had someone else. Wictor had tried to tell me from the start that Simon wasn’t faithful. But I didn’t want to listen. The week after we got married a women sent an email to me, detailing her ongoing affair with Simon. There were pictures and screenshots of texts. She was pissed he had got married, I guess she thought he would leave me for her. I don’t know if she wanted to take revenge on me, or on Simon, or both. But I had to face reality. I confronted Simon when he got home. We argued and for the first time he slapped me across the face. I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. I had some… experience with physical abuse from my days in foster care. Simon knew this but he didn’t care. I reverted to my old coping mechanism and withdrew into myself. The next day Simon was so sweet, he told me he had to slap me as I was getting hysterical. He had only been seeing this woman because he was stressed over our upcoming wedding. He would never do it again. I believed him. Until a couple of months later when someone sent me a DM on Instagram. And we did the same thing all over again. After the third time I stopped confronting Simon. It just ended with him hurting me.” I paused and needed a moment to collect myself. I felt vulnerable enough, I didn’t want to cry.

“Do you want to stop? We can do something else,” Hunter asked me and lifted my face to look at him.

“No. It’s better to just get it all out,” I told him.

“You are so brave and strong, Hana,” he told me. I tried to smile and shook my head.

“I’m really not. I’m weak and naive,” I objected.

“You really aren’t,” he said, leaning closer and placing a kiss on my forehead.

“So, anyway. That was my life for almost two years. Simon and Mandy had convinced me to drop out of school when we got married. Simon had graduated and had started his business and they told me he needed me to be the wife that took care of him, our house, that Rich owned but let us stay in, and just focus on Simon. Mandy added children into the picture. But Simon never wanted any. He would tell me he was too young, he shouldn’t have to deal with things like that. And he told me I would be a terrible mother, Anyone with my upbringing would be.” I had to stop again to take a deep breath. Some things hurt more than others.

“Sweetness, you know that is bullshit. You would be an amazing mother,” Hunter told me.

“Thank you,” I said. “Well, I stayed. Trying to fulfil my purpose as the perfect housewife that had dinner ready, the house clean and I even took Mandy’s nasty remarks about me being infertile, even if it was her son that made sure there would be no children. Most of my friends had stopped hanging out with me. Simon asked what else I expected. I was boring, lazy and a bad friend. There was no wonder I was losing friends. The only one that stayed was Wictor. He and Simon never got along which meant I never got to spend much time with him. But I knew he was there if I needed him.”

“He’s a good friend, I’m happy you have him,” Hunter told me.

“So am I. He has saved me more than once.”

“How did you find the strength to leave Simon?” Hunter asked. I was happy he didn’t ask why I stayed.

“I decided to leave just after our two year anniversary. It was summer and we had rented a cabin by a lake with two other couples we knew. The men were friends with Simon and the women and I were acquaintances. We hung out because the men did. By that time they were the only friends I had beside Wictor. I was going to make dessert for dinner and wanted to pick some blueberries to add. As I was walking towards the woods I heard noises from the shed that was a little to the side of the cabin. I went to see what the noise was.”