breathing in

breathing in
“are you… are you going to sleep?” i asked quietly as we made our way back into the house. We both said nothing.
I looked at Darius who looked like he did not have a care in the world. “I would be sleeping for the rest of my life soon you know” he smirked, looking at me. I could have sworn that his eyes sparkled a bit as he spoke.
I raised my hands, wanting to smack him when i stopped. Remembering how he almost passed out the last time
I was furious with him. My face twisting into a scowl
Not the loud, screaming kind of furious, no. It was the tight, suffocating sort that pressed behind my ribs and made my hands shake. We were standing on the edge of everything, on the brink of his end, and Darius looked… calm.
Too calm. “you think this is funny? You think this is okay to joke about?” i felt my throat tightening as i spoke
He should have been afraid. He should have been angry, desperate, anything other than this infuriating stillness. ‘how long had he even known? What caused him to say that?’ the thoughts crossed my mind as i watched him from a distance
Instead, he watched me like I was the only thing left in the world worth seeing.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I snapped, my voice breaking despite my effort to sound strong. “You’re going to die, Darius. Don’t you care at all?”
He didn’t answer right away. That only made it worse.
The air between us felt heavy, charged with the weight of what was coming. I wanted him to argue, to deny it, to promise he’d find a way out. I wanted something to hold on to.
But Darius only stepped closer.
I sucked in a breath, ready to lash out again, when his hand lifted, very slowly, deliberate. His fingers slid into my hair, warm and familiar, and he gently pulled it to the side, baring my neck. The gesture was so intimate it stole the words straight from my mouth.
My anger wavered.
“Stop,” I whispered, though I didn’t pull away.
He smiled then. Not the sharp, arrogant grin he wore so often, but the soft one. The one he saved for moments when his guard slipped, when it was just us.
“Mika,” he said quietly, like my name was something sacred. “Why would I be bothered?”
My chest tightened. “Because you’re dying,” I hissed. “Because you’re leaving me.”
His thumb brushed against my jaw, gentle enough to make my throat ache. “I’m not afraid,” he murmured. “Not when you’re right here.”
Tears burned my eyes, and I hated them for it. “You’re impossible,” I said, my voice trembling. “You should be terrified.”
He leaned in just enough that I could feel his breath against my skin. “I’ve faced worse things than death,” he replied. “Losing you would’ve been one of them.”
My heart stuttered painfully.
His fingers tightened slightly in my hair not enough to hurt, just enough to ground me. To anchor me to him in this moment before everything fell apart.
“I love you,” he said, smiling like the world wasn’t ending, like tomorrow still existed for him.
The words hit harder than any blade ever could.
My anger shattered then, breaking apart into grief and fear and a love so deep it terrified me. I pressed my forehead to his chest, fists curling into his clothes, wishing I could hold him here forever.
“I hate you,” I whispered, tears finally spilling free. “For being so calm. For ”
He laughed softly, wrapping his arms around me. “You’ve always hated me though, i think i can mange this one.” he had this satisfied look on his face
And as I stood there, clinging to him while time slipped through our fingers, “i’ll trade a thousand lives if i can stay this way with you, you know” he said, gently wrapping his arm around me as he pulled me closer.
I looked at him. “i really do hate you” i muttered, pulling him closer to me.
I took in a deep breath, inhaling him as much as i could before i shook my head “not enough” i said as I buried my face into his chest before I could stop myself.
I breathed him in slowly, deliberately, like if I took enough of his scent with me I could store it somewhere safe inside my mind. Like I could carry him with me when he was gone.
Steel and smoke. Heat. Him.
“Mika…” His voice dropped, rougher than before.
I inhaled again, my fingers curling into his clothes as if they might slip through my hands. My anger was gone now, replaced by a frantic need to remember every part of him. The way he smelled. The way he felt. The way his presence wrapped around me like a second skin.
His arm slid around my shoulders, pulling me closer, almost instinctively. I felt the tension ripple through him, the sharp intake of his breath against my hair.
“Don’t do that,” he murmured, a strained laugh in his voice. “You’re messing with my head.”
I tilted my face slightly, my nose brushing his collarbone as I breathed him in again. Slower this time. More intentional.
“That’s kind of the point,” I said quietly.
His hold on me tightened. “Mika,” he warned, my name sounding like both a plea and a threat. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me right now.”
I smiled against his chest, even as my heart ached. “I do,” I whispered. “And I don’t care.”
He groaned softly under his breath, resting his forehead against mine. “You’re cruel,” he said, but there was no real heat behind it. Only want. Only want mixed with the kind of affection that hurt.
I lifted my head just enough to look at him. His eyes were darker now, his calm fractured, finally giving way to something painfully human.
“If this is my last chance,” I said, voice trembling but steady, “then I’m not going to pretend we don’t feel this. I can take care of it.”
His breath hitched. “Mika… you sound like i would be gone tomorrow”
I reached up, brushing my thumb along his jaw, grounding him the way he always grounded me. “You’re not the only one losing something here,” I said softly. “Let me have this”
For a moment, he didn’t speak. He just looked at me, torn between restraint and surrender.
Then he sighed, forehead dropping to mine again, his arm tightening around my waist like he was afraid to let go.
“You’re going to be the death of me,” he murmured.
I swallowed, my chest aching. “Then let me be the thing you think about,” I replied. “Not the end.”
And this time, when I breathed him in again, he didn’t stop me.