Chapter 176 - What Now, Lord God! - Fares
Veronica
I didn't want to look at Roland, not because I was angry. It was just that if I did, I would break down, and if he saw me like that, he would blame himself even more than I imagined he already did.
"Doctor, what’s the solution to my condition?" I smiled, more out of courtesy than anything else.
"We’ll run many tests. First, we’ll check if your rectum and throat are infected."
"Do I need to start treatment?" That voice, my husband, he would now retreat into his own world.
"Mr. Sandoval, there is no treatment for the human papillomavirus. It’s possible you no longer have it; the male immune system often eliminates it. Let me ask, do you have any warts on your penis or testicles?"
"No."
"Did you engage in anal sex at the start of your marriage?" I shook my head, and Roland answered.
"It was almost a year later."
"Well, we have two scenarios. If Mrs. Sandoval’s rectum is not affected, it means you no longer have the virus and neither does she; it mutated. The other possibility is if her rectum is affected, it’s because the virus has been cycling between you two. I don’t believe in that possibility, but we’ll take precautions anyway. In my experience, the virus mutated, and with Mrs. Sandoval’s genetic tendency, it turned into cancer. Let’s hope that’s the case."
"I understand." His voice was terse; he was going to retreat, to blame himself.
"My pregnancy..."
"The babies won’t suffer from this; they are protected in the womb. Don’t worry. The risk is in avoiding sudden movements, running, stairs, jumping, doing household chores, intimate relations—anything that could cause a detachment."
"You have stage four cervical cancer. It could be very affected, and any sudden movement could cause it to open, which would be dangerous for the babies. I recommend strict bed rest, only getting up for your physiological and hygienic needs."
"It doesn’t matter, I’ll stay in bed," I said. It was the only chance to be a mother; if I lose my babies, I won’t have a uterus anymore.
"We can’t start cancer treatment while you’re pregnant. We’ll mature the babies’ lungs and schedule a cesarean after the twenty-eighth week, when you’re seven months along. The newborns will complete their term in an incubator or kangaroo care, depending on their weight. If you follow my instructions, we shouldn’t have any problems."
"And after?"
The doctor looked at us. I had to stay calm; she was giving me a chance to have my children and stay alive.
"Once the children are born, we’ll perform a total hysterectomy. In other words, we’ll remove your entire uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and the affected part of your cervix. You won’t be able to have more children."
"I’ll have three; that’s enough," I replied.
"You’ve taken this very well for your age. It’s admirable."
"My mother died of cancer. Most of my mother’s family has died from that disease. It’s been a constant that I’ve accepted as one of the possible causes of my death. When you accept that it’s a possibility, receiving this kind of news makes you prepared."
"That doesn’t mean I’m resigned or that I won’t fight the disease. Besides, you’re giving me a solution, which means my children will be born, and I can stay alive."
"Veronica." The pain in Roland’s voice was evident. Don’t fall apart, stay calm.
"And if it’s in my throat?"
"Let’s wait for those results. In any case, for the next five months, we can’t do anything but take care of you with good nutrition and rest. You need to be monitored every month. I promise to come to your house so you don’t have to risk any sudden movements like stopping a car."
"After the birth, we’ll give you cancer treatment. If it’s in your throat, you’ll undergo iodine therapy. That area isn’t my specialty, but I’ll put you in good hands."
"After that, will I be able to breastfeed my children?" Seeing her look, my eyes welled up, and tears began to fall.
"No, the cancer medication is strong, and if we do iodine therapy, it’s radioactive. You won’t be able to be with your babies for at least two weeks. You won’t be able to breastfeed them." A whimper escaped me. I couldn’t imagine how my husband must be feeling.
"I understand," I said. "I won't be able to feed them, I need to control myself."
"Veronica, I told you that you had cancer and you didn't cry. I've had patients who faint just from hearing that word. I told you I would remove your reproductive organs and you didn't cry. But now I tell you that you won't be able to feed your children, and that's what breaks you? Forgive me... you are admirable. May I ask why you are crying?"
"You have given me a solution to ensure my children are born healthy, and another to eradicate the cancer from my body. I won't worry about something that science and my faith will cure. I cry because I won't have the contact and satisfaction of bonding with my children."
"The fact that they depend on me... I don't know if you understand, maybe it's foolish, but no one can give that back to me. I will lose the opportunity to feed my children." The doctor looked at me.
"We need to run many tests on you. My secretary will take you to the lab for the tests." She looked at Roland.
"Mr. Sandoval, you will also need some tests, although this does not affect you directly. Please follow me." The doctor left, and I dared to look at him. He was a bundle of remorse.
"Forgive me."
I hugged him and kissed the left side of his chest. He was very scared; I felt how fast his heart was beating.
"I love you." He hugged me tightly, leaving a bitter feeling in my chest. "I have nothing to forgive you for, but if you distance yourself or put up barriers in this situation, I won't forgive you."
"Mr. and Mrs. Sandoval," the secretary called.
On the way back to the ranch, Roland drove very slowly. The doctor had told him to avoid sudden movements. It was already getting dark. He helped me out of the car, and I took my first steps toward the house while he stayed in the same place.
"Roland?"
"I need a moment alone, Veronica." I knew what he intended, to blame himself for everything. I approached him.
"Listen to me, you are not to blame..."
"Don't say stupid things!" he shouted, his hands trembling. "What does God intend now? I need to be alone."
"Don't push me away..."
"I need..."
He kissed my forehead and got into the truck, driving off like a madman. I took off my rings, my pulse quickened, and I took a deep breath. I must stay calm, his friends will calm him down, I need to stay calm for my babies. I took out my phone and called Simon.
"Hello, Veronica," I heard one of the twins crying.
"Simon..."
"Veronica, what's wrong?"
"Roland needs you, please find him. He left like a madman, he blames himself for what I have. Please, please stay with him."
I always admired his ability to know when to ask questions or when to remain silent. I heard him tell Luisa that he had to go, and seconds later, I heard his car engine.
"He's heading to the cabin," I felt a bit of relief. "I'll call you."
"Please don't leave him alone."
As I finished the call with Simon, Miguel arrived in his truck. We had planned to talk. When he saw me, he was alarmed.
"Veronica, what's wrong?"
"Take me to my room, I was told to avoid stairs. Then go find your friends, Roland needs you, and by the way, tell them about your remorse."
"You haven't said what's wrong." He carried me inside, and Ines was alarmed when she saw me, the pain was evident on my face.
"I have uterine cancer, that's why Roland blames himself. He needs his friends, go to him." Miguel laid me on the bed, his eyes full of compassion, and kissed my forehead.
"Simon..."
"He already went to find him, take care of him. He's falling apart inside."
"I'll stay with Veronica, go find my boy," Ines told Miguel. He kissed her forehead and hurried out of the ranch.
"Vero... can you tell me?"
"I have or had HPV, and it caused the cancer. My babies are fine, but I'm at high risk of losing them because my cervix is weak, and they could detach. I have to stay in bed most of the time."
"If you hadn't gotten pregnant, you wouldn't have known about the cancer."
I met Ines's gaze. I nodded because it was true. Thanks to the pregnancy, they discovered I had advanced cancer. I want ice cream, I want my friend Raul, my dad. I started crying. Now that he wasn't here, I let myself cry in Ines's arms. Roland...