Chapter 18: Chapter Eighteen--Lost In The Endless Misery

For over an hour, I struggled with Lola. Only after I force-fed her half dose of Valium from my long untouched stash, had she finally nodded off. In her drug laced world, she convinced herself for the moment we’d taken a walk and eat some sort of weird mushrooms. Or that was the last “coherent” sentence she mumbled before passing out.

I hadn’t seen the jaguar since he’d led us to the edge of our campsite, then took off for the unknown. Never once had the beautiful beast harmed us. I loved animals, preferred their company—when they weren’t trying to kill me. Their purity was something I craved, when humanity showed me so little good. An inherent belief of an abused child, a small town punished constantly for a trauma they couldn’t help.

The granddaughter of the local loony woman who thought herself omniscient.

The daughter that was unwanted by her MIA mother.

The child of that man who’d killed himself, while said child was at school.

The girl who cried at the drop of a hat, cowered from humanity, and clung to the shadows when the other children picked on her. Until, the darkness rose up and she exploded with deadly precision. Which left me drained for days. Emotionless. Dead inside. When they left nooses in my locker, I had to flee the school before I’d done something I’d regret. Then, my classmates egged my grandma’s house in the middle of the night. Their parents who fell away from me, while walking past on the street.

The child who’d seen more of her shrink than she had any teacher, friend or foe.

Maybe it was that crazed little girl who still lived inside of me that had trusted a wildcat to get myself and my best friend to safety.

Which is why I had shot down Lola’s “we must contact someone to hunt the wild animals” demand. If it hadn’t been for the cats, we’d be dead. Not that my life mattered much. Not where Lola’s wellbeing was concerned. Only she mattered. She kept my fragile hold on my sanity under lock and key. She kept my hatred, the true darkness at bay. Had I survived, and she had not…I violently shook my head.

I headed for the picnic table, but didn’t quite make it. I collapsed to my knees. A ragged sob ripped from me.

All the strangeness I’d experienced no longer mattered. Not in the face of what I could’ve lost.

When was enough, enough?

My mind spiraled. My walls of self-protection fell to pieces, leaving me a raw mass. Memories crashed. Finding my grandma on the floor next to her bed after a heart attack. Finding my father…no, I would not go there. I skipped to the morning I’d wandered into my parent’s room to find him tearing away a mostly empty closet, swearing at my mother for leaving him. So many more, not in any conceivable order attacked my consciousness. Old wounds that had never completely healed wept blood, the trickles bursting into a countless rivets. Tears tracked my cheeks, blurred my vision.

My grandmother’s sweetness superimposed over all of the images. I needed her. Someone who understood me, loved me. Who knew my mood swings. Why they existed at all. The one person I’d never had to pretend with. A strong, able person to hear all the sordid tales I had to tell. Someone who, I didn’t have to be their rock. I needed someone to be mine.

Kalvyn’s wild scent hit me a second before he gathered me into his arms. He wrapped me up in his strength. If any part of the flood gates had remained, they disappeared now. No one had held me while I cried in years. Lola wasn’t permitted to see me when I’d given into the depression. The results were disastrous for both of us. She couldn’t deal.

I gathered Kalvyn’s shirt in my hands and sobbed as I fractured into so many broken pieces Useless. Barely even human.

Hands stroked my back, small, soft hands. Not Kalvyn’s. I peered under his arm to see Lexi sitting beside him. Quinn, Syber and Carmen were on the other side. They touched me, petted me, stroked my hair, cooed wordless nothings.

I didn’t have to see him, to know Syber stood off to the side.

I cried harder. They were a core family unit, who welcomed me with open arms, without question or condemnation. I didn’t understand their kindness. People did not bother with me. I was too dark and weird. Yet, Kalvyn’s friends did. For one silly, irrational moment, I felt a part of something.

When the tears stopped flowing, and the soundless screams died off, I stared into nothingness. My gaze fixed on the spot between the legs of the picnic table. I’d done the only thing I knew how to. I retreated into myself.

Kalvyn tipped my head back. Worries darkened his face. “We’re not going anywhere, Katrina.”

“Why?” I croaked.

“You need us.”

Several murmurs of agreement stopped my heart.

“What you did today was heroic,” he whispered centimeters from my lips. “Something I’ve never seen a human do. I admire you so much for your courage and loyalty to your best friend. But I never want you to sacrifice yourself again.”

“How did you know?”

He didn’t respond.

I gasped, or I thought I did. “You have green eyes.”

Kalvyn took the confused accusation in stride, as puzzle pieces fit seamlessly together in my head, even though I instantly rejected my conclusions. He kissed me on the tip of the nose.

“You’re not ready to know the answer you seek.” Fear spiked my blood pressure. “I promised not to hurt you, remember? I always keep my promises.”

The conviction in his voice, more than his words settled my queasy stomach. He was right, I wasn’t ready. I settled against his chest, then listened to his heartbeat, the rhythm of his calming breath.

I’d made a habit of falling asleep in his arms.