A declaration

A declaration
Pretense was not the option, it never was especially when all I wanted was just some good night not one that passed with images flying past my eyes and scared even me myself. I wriggled out of his grip and pulled the bedsheet to my chest as I sat apart from him. I couldn't stop my body shivering. I just would not let him touch me as that night still played fresh.

Raped. Used. Sexed against permission and assaulted.

I stared into space as David crawled off the space, the silence stretching between us as he walked off to the window.

I fixed my gaze to his bare back once he stood by the window, hands pocketed as he stared out to the city that played ahead.

My shoulders dropped, I wondered what went through his mind as who I saw at the moment was a man who felt dejected, rejected, unwanted and that — just there made 'sorry' sing in my mind repeatedly.

Guilt panged me, not letting go as it reminded me with every second that passed by that I had let him in the moment and had to ruin it just because of some stupid image flashes.

But what now? It happened and I couldn't stop it. There was no way I could.

I felt the bruises hit me so tight that I almost let out a cry but this was not the next thing to do.

What more was left to do?

I crawled off the bed, my knees cracking as I had sat rigid to the bed and now that I was getting down? It felt almost like a war.

What if I tried to speak with him and he just dismissed me? Or….

I couldn't help it. I just could not help the fact that I was scared to approach him but with how he sighed and his always up tightened shoulders sank as if in despair, it made my heart clench.

With a speed I could always doubt where its strength came from, I crawled off the bed and with time I already stood behind him as I hesitated calling onto him but once Andre's act replayed in my head, I shut my eyes tight as I wrapped them around his waist, my hands playing higher just right on top of his stomach and with the comfort I felt, I sniffed his scent a bit, yess, just behind his neck.

At first, with my hands wrapped from behind him, he stiffened — not so surprise from the touch but he had not expected it.

“I'm sorry.“ I said in a voice that seemed almost like a whisper as I apologized with an already breaking voice.

His body went so rigid that I could barely feel him breathing. I looked up to meet his face but it stayed emotionless, I bit my lips and just when I thought to take my hands off him, he turned around — swiftly and enough not to just catch a gaze but bore his on mine.

Facing me, I watched him as he brought out his hands from his pocket and raised them just up to her face until he cupped them in a grip as his index finger pressed on my chin.

“Jessica.. that…” he stuttered…

I feared he might lash out on me or give some silent treatment but he did neither and just said.

“That doesn't change anything about us. I am such a coward to have forgotten what happened, but still — it doesn't have any impact on us okay?“ he said. I lifted my head up to meet his gaze and his once blank and expressionless face mixed with pity? And beneath that which was laced on his face, there I saw a man who tried to show he believed. He waited and to deal with every healing, I saw the surest conviction in those eyes as he blinked them but for some reasons, I was not going to accept that.

I just stood, not moving as I stared at him as I fought hard to take back the tears that was already welling up my eyes and although I tried to fight it, I felt his gaze on me. I shifted, it was as if he saw through me.

My chest tightened as I held onto the breath I had held in…

He must have seen just a weak woman who would not overlook an incident that took place in a few minutes.

He must have seen behind the mask I laced on my face that maybe I fought hard and pathetic to look strong and tough on the outside.

At the thought, a tear slipped down my cheek. I retreated from his grip and there, he had his hands spread open. Wide. Wife enough for me to hug.

I hesitated but I could not resist it, I engulfed myself in his embrace.

I let a sad smile tug at the edge of my lips.

“Cry all you want. Here's a shoulder to always lean on.“ I heard his voice in a mutter as I felt my tears melt wet on his chest and although I tried to ignore the statement, it made me just cry more.

I didn't plan to appear weak but as I cried out, soft and loud — I felt better especially with his arms pressed on my waist.

“It's fine.“ He voiced, this time, his lips was pressed against my ear; wet and that alone made my body shudder.

It was not intended but I still reacted to his touch in this situation. Just how bad I wanted them.

Just then, I heard it.

With every hint of dread. A tone that voiced killing behind its cool voice.

'Andre.'

David muttered and just when I thought I was being too sensitive, he repeated the name.

“Andre.“

I shuddered in fear not because of the name but the one who had slept it out like he had drawn the line for a battle.

I sniffed as if I felt more comfortable just when all of a sudden, the air bit cold to my skin and…

The atmosphere became extremely tense. And just there, I concluded.

Andre was not going to survive this wrath. Its possibility was so slim.