Chapter 23: Selfish Desires
\[Leo’s POV\]
The preparations for Darlene’s sendoff go by in a blur. From writing her obituary to planning her service and then the small funeral that was held for the few friends that Darlene had.
During that time, Rue seems to slowly become nothing more than a shell of the woman that she used to be, and that leaves me feeling uneasy.
At night, I would wake to find her walking about the house aimlessly, with a hollow look in her eyes and a nervous energy similar to the night Darlene died and she tried to step out into that busy street.
Because of that, I made it a habit to sleep in the living room so that Rue couldn’t go out without me noticing.
On those nights I would wake up to find Rue curled up in the chair beside me, like just being near me was enough to help calm her so that she could sleep peacefully.
After that, it became a habit for the two of us to fall asleep in that living room instead of our bedrooms. It was like an unspoken agreement between the two of us, and as the time grew closer for Rue to return to school, I started to feel a bit empty.
“I can stay,” Rue tells me a week before her return. “It isn’t like it will hurt me to take a semester off.”
“No,” I counter, finishing breakfast and plating our food. “You are going to be graduating after this semester and then finding a job.”
“That can wait,” she says softly. “Won’t you be lonely without me?”
As she speaks, I take a seat and then fix my gaze on her as my heart feels like it is being painfully squeezed.
“I’m a grown man,” I tell her. “I’ll be fine alone.”
Growing quiet, I wait as Rue opens and closes her mouth, clearly trying to find something to say but failing miserably, and when she finally decides not to speak, I can’t help but wonder what it was that she was going to say to me.
Of course, I don’t ask her anything; instead, I watch as she picks at her food, eating just enough to satisfy me but not enough to make me feel completely at ease.
This was another habit that Rue picked up since Darlene’s passing.
It started with her eating practically nothing and then just eating enough to get by, but even then it wasn’t enough.
It was easy to see that she was losing weight from the way her clothes didn’t fit properly anymore and how her face was becoming thin, but I knew if I pushed too much I would make her want to pull away from me, and after all the time we spent together shouldering each other's pain, the thought of losing her scared me.
However, maybe her going back to school was the very thing that she needed.
Maybe being around her friends and having class to distract her would bring her out of her depression and make her the woman that I knew she was meant to be.
“You should eat more,” I say, testing the waters. “Once you finish, I’ll take you out to have a bit of fun.”
“Fun?” Rue repeats, eyeing me curiously. “Where in the world did that come from?”
“You aren’t the only one who is about to return to school,” I point out, feeling happy that she actually seems interested. “I’ve got to go back too.”
With summer break ending, I would have to return to my teaching job while Rue was away, and when she returned, I would help her get a job teaching with me.
With that, we would still have one another to lean on, and we could continue to just live like this.
But was this the life that we both should lead?
This thought crossed my mind a few times. I mean, how could it not when I was more than aware that we would eventually have to move on to different lives, different people, and possibly start our own families?
It was naturally the way things should be, but I couldn’t help but want to hold onto this. I wanted to hold onto us.
Was it because I missed Darlene that much and Rue was all that was left of her? Or was there another reason that I had this feeling?
Suddenly feeling conflicted, I fix my gaze on Rue, watching as she slowly chews and then swallows, her thin throat constricting and then relaxing.
As I watch her, I feel a strange draw that I know I shouldn’t be feeling, but I just can’t help but want to keep her close to me.
It was a selfish desire, but I couldn’t stop the way I felt.
After spending so much time together, having her beside me was as natural as breathing.
“Mr. Owens.”
The woman in question's voice drifts toward me, drawing me out of my thoughts and making me realize that while I was zoning, she asked something.
“Sorry,” I say slowly. “What did you say?”
“I asked, 'Where are we going?'" she says slowly, giving me a look that almost screams she caught me staring.
“That’s a surprise,” I tell her. “And there’s something I’ve been wondering.”
“What is it?” Rue asks, taking a sip of her drink.
“Why do you still call me Mr. Owens?”
I was certain that it was probably habit after having me as a teacher back in school, but I wasn’t in that position anymore, and neither was she.
“Oh,” Rue gasps, eyes widening. “I just… It’s a habit… ya know?”
“I understand,” I smile, leaning forward while enjoying how her cheeks turn pink. “But don’t you think that it is about time you started addressing me properly?”
"Properly," she repeats, eyeing me. "You mean like calling you by name?"
"That's right," I confirm.
Mr. Owens was so formal that it made us seem pretty far apart, but after all the time we spent together and the things we experienced together, she was certainly one of the people closest to me.
"Try it," I tell her encouragingly. "Call me by my name."
Growing quiet, I wait while Rue stares at me, her gaze unreadable as she considers what I'm asking.
Was it really that hard for her to call me by my name? I mean, we were both adults, and it was what she should have been calling me since I married Darlene, but since we were reacquainting ourselves, I didn't think much of it. But now, things were different, and I didn't want to feel like she could disappear at any time.
"L-leo," Rue says quietly, causing my nerve endings to come alive for the first time since losing Darlene. "Leo," she repeats and immediately flushes a bright red.
"Yeah," I smile, wondering if what I asked wasn't the best of things. "Make sure to address me like that from now on."