Chapter 51: *CHAPTER 51*

Something sour that felt a lot like guilt solidified in my stomach, because that wasn't necessarily true anymore. While I knew him the same way I always had, there was a lot he didn't know about me anymore.

So much had changed in my life over the last week. So many secrets I was now keeping from him. And they weren't small secrets by any means. I had Magic. I'd been attacked by a monster. I'd been Magically Cursed. My life had been completely upended. And these things weren't things I could share with him. They were things he would never completely understand.

A wall stood between us now—a wall that I'd made myself—but one that I wasn't sure could ever come down.

"When I saw you with that guy," he continued, "seeing the way he looked at you and how you'd gotten matching tattoos...all of these unresolved feelings just came back."

I grimaced at the reminder of the twin Curse Marks on mine and Malcolm's arms, "It's not like that between Malcolm and me—"

"It's fine, I didn't bring it up to make you explain anything to me. But seeing you with someone else changed something for me. It made me realize that I wanted things to work with us. Even if we're going to be in different states next month. Even if we have to do long-distance. I want to be with you. Always. If you'll have me back, I mean."

All I could do was stare at him. My heart thumped uncomfortably in my chest—a distant part of me wondered why the machine next to me wasn't thundering out at a stampede of noise. All there was was the steady, beep, beep, beep, keeping time to the steady rhythm of my heart.

My heart might have been steady, but my thoughts raced. I didn't realize my hands were clenching the rough hospital blankets until Matt reached over to put his hand on mine. His skin was clammy on my icy one.

"I know it's not the best timing—"

Not the best timing...

I wanted to laugh...but it would have come out unnatural—maybe even slightly unhinged.

Not the best timing was an understatement.

He carried on, "But I'm flying out for summer training tomorrow... I needed to make sure you knew where I stood before I left."

All I could do was stare at him. Cognitive thought had vanished.

My mind had been foggy before from everything—my uncle, magic, curses, monsters...now this. Things were piling up faster than I could fix them.

I'd always taken comfort in the knowledge that I could fix things. Fix the broken parts of my life until they worked again. They sometimes came out a little worse for wear, but I fixed things. That's what I did. No rent money? No problem, I'd get a job through high school to make sure the payments went through. Fixed. No transportation for work? That's okay, I'll borrow a car until I can buy one of my own. Fixed. No family around to look out for me? That's alright. I did just fine by myself. I'd work through holidays so I wouldn't feel so alone in the house by myself.

But things were piling up so fast these days...

I was beginning to lose confidence that I could turn things around this time.

I didn't know what to say to fix this. Fix this shattering friendship into something that worked...get us to fit back in the box it had always been in. No matter how many angles I looked at it, it wasn't going back in.

"Matt—" I began slowly. Something in my tone must have given away what I was about to say, because his expression immediately shuttered, "You're about to move away for school, I'm starting college in just a month—"

"I know that, but we could make it work. I'll be down here for holidays, you could come up for weekends—"

I was the one who cut him off this time, with a gentle shake of my head. I pulled my hand from underneath his, awkwardly placing it on the bed beside me. He blinked down at it surprised, "You're my friend. You've been my friend for as long as I can remember, and I hope we can keep being friends. But I can't give you what you want from me. I can't give you more than that. Not again."

A muscle in his jaw ticked, "It's because of him isn't it?"

"This has nothing to do with Malcolm. This is about you and me," I said, frustrated he wasn't hearing what I was saying. I took a deep breath and tried again, "I care about you, but I don't feel the same way you do." I explained gently, "We tried dating once, and it was a disaster."

He pursed his lips looking away, shoulders tensed.

"It's better this way. Believe me."

If he knew how messy my life had become the last few days, he wouldn't argue with me on that point. My life was a dumpster fire—literally. I was living from one disaster to the next, scrambling to get by. Dating someone while still trying to figure out my own life wasn't fair to anyone involved.

No matter the stress he'd put me through the last few days, no matter what was happening now, Matt was a good person. He deserved to live in the world he'd always lived in— one untainted from magic and monsters. He deserved to stay in ignorant bliss, focusing on himself and living his life without looking for danger over his shoulder everywhere he went. As much as I wished it weren't true, things were dangerous around me right now, dangerous for the people in my life.

And as much as Matt frustrated me, I didn't want anything bad happening to him.

He stood abruptly from the bed, body tense. His face twisted with regret as he looked down at me, "I wish things could be different."

"Me too."

"You'll be okay? After everything?"

I gave him a sad smile. I reached out to give his hand a quick squeeze before letting it fall back to the mattress, "I'll be alright."

"You've always been a good friend, Kassie."

"You've been a good friend to me too, Mark."

He shook his head, looking annoyed at my ill-timed joke, but there was a little amusement hidden in there too, "You've always been a rat, you know that?"

"I know."

My chest clenched as he walked to the door.

He paused in the doorway, but didn't look back at me as he twisted the knob, "I'll see you in a couple of months, Kassie."

He stepped out into the hallway, leaving me in my hospital bed. Deep down, I knew this was goodbye. As much much as it stung for me, I knew it had to happen. I knew that, but that knowledge didn't comfort me much as I watched his back disappear around the corner in what I knew would probably be the last time.