*CHAPTER 50*

*CHAPTER 50*
I was glad that Malcolm was gone, but now that it was just Matt and me, the silence felt stifling. We stared at each other awkwardly as the sound of a clock in the room ticked. The cellophane wrap around the roses crinkled as he shifted back and forth on his feet.

He was wearing one of his old jerseys, a pair of athletic shorts. His well worn tennis shoes shuffled on the floor.

After a moment, Matt cleared his throat, "These are for you," he gestured awkwardly to the massive arrangement of flowers that were crammed neatly in a crystal vase.

"They're really beautiful." I told him truthfully, despite the fact the sight of them had a shard of panic flickering through me, I forced a grateful smile, "Thank you for bringing them, it means a lot," I gestured to where Penny's flowers and the gifts from Lauren sat, "Do you mind setting them on that table over there where I can see them?"

He did as I asked, turning back around he said "Oh, and I almost forgot, this is for you too," Digging a hand into his pocket, he pulled out a thick white envelope, that was slightly wrinkled, "It's from Janice. When she heard I was coming to visit you, she asked me to give you this. She mentioned something about leaving you voicemails for the past two days." He shrugged, feigning nonchalance, but he and I both knew that whatever was in this envelope probably wouldn't be good.

"Yeah, I lost my phone in the explosion, so I haven't gotten them." I grimaced, "Thanks for bringing it by."

He shuffled to the edge of my bed sitting in the space next to me so he was facing me.

"I'm really sorry about what happened to your uncle, Kass." He said, unable to meet my eyes.

"I am too."

"You said you two were never close, so maybe that'll make things easier---"

My voice and expression came off harder than I meant to when I said, "That doesn't make things any easier, Matt. He's still my uncle. The only family I had left. Even if our relationship was a bit rocky— " My voice cracked and I cut myself off, swallowing hard.

He rubbed a hand over his face, wincing again, "I'm sorry, you're right. I know that. I'm really messing this up aren't I? I usually don't have this much trouble with words."

He really did look stressed—in fact, I'd never seen him this wound up before. Matt and I had known each other for so long, seeing him like this reminded me of when we were in middle school together, back when he was awkward and aloof. It softened me towards him, just a little bit.

We hadn't been on the best footing this past week, but deep down that relationship was still there, even if it was getting a little scraped and banged up. I knew that a large part of the issues we were due in large part to the secrets I was keeping. Pushing away while I attempted to sort through these new roadblock in my life.

He was here though, he was trying. I had to give him credit for that even if he were making a mess of things in the process.

"Coming in here and looking like you'd seen the grim reaper didn't help matters much either," I joked, chuckling despite myself. I gave his shoulder a shove, rolling my eyes.

He peered up from under his lashes, sheepishly. He took my attempt at levity for what it was, an olive branch, and his lips tipped into a smile, "It didn't have anything to do with you, it was me. And you don't look like the grim reaper. I'm the one who came over here unannounced, barging in on you while you were sleeping. And I keep acting like a jerk to you whenever that guy is around. I'm sorry. It's my own insecurities, I guess."

"Yeah, you've been pretty much a jerk lately." I teased.

It was his turn to roll his eyes and shove my shoulder, though he was a lot more gentle than I had been, "Don't make me feel worse than I already do."

I fiddled with the buttons on the bed so I was sitting up in a more comfortable position with the bed supporting more of my weight as I leaned back, "I deserve to make you feel a little bad. I haven't heard from you since I got sick at work. You've been ignoring my texts." I kept my tone light, but I was genuinely curious about why he'd been avoiding me the way he had been. It couldn't just be about my hanging out with Malcolm, could it? Matt and I had been friends for forever, but it wasn't like we didn't have other friends. He was always out with his baseball team, and I had other people from school and Lauren. He'd even been out on dates with other girls since we'd broken up. We both had lives outside of our friendship.

"Yeah, look, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. I shouldn't have been ignoring you, I was being an idiot. I just needed some space to process things I guess."

"Process what things?"

"I don't know, it's just—" He took a breath, scrubbing a tanned hand over his face. He must've been spending a lot of time outside, training for baseball, he had pink splashed across his cheeks, a new patch of tan skin building under the freckle under his left eye. He always tanned during training season, "I know when we broke up six months ago, it was mutual. Things were too busy in both of our lives for a serious relationship. I've been more than happy to keep our friendship, which was the most important part—at least to me it was."

He shifted a little on the bed, tennis shoe squeaking a little on the hospital floors as he moved, gathering his thoughts, "I was happy with the way things were, how they ended up. But I think there was a small part of me that always assumed we'd eventually get back together."

"Matt..." I started, but he held a hand up to stop me, and I paused.

"I know you never gave me any reason to think that. You've always been important to me Kass. There's no one who knows me the way that you do. No one who knows you the way that I do. We've been through a lot together. And there's no one I'd rather have with me."