Chapter 49: Thirty Four-2

I'm full on sobbing now. Passerby are staring at us, some of them giving Xavier nasty glares, no doubt assuming he's the reason for my tears when really he is a small part of it. "I want to hear those things if you need to say them." He drops his bag, and wraps his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. That makes everything worse. The sobbing morphs into a terrible, shoulder retching, snot inducing tear fest. Xavier doesn't say another word. He just holds on and squeezes me tight. I bury my face into his chest and still he holds on. We stand there like that forever. I'm very aware that the last time I fell apart in Xavier's arms was when I was trying to make sense of Jackson and his crazy stories. When my shoulders ease up on their spasms, X's release eases up too before he eventually pulls away, but only enough to look at me. "Mouse, have you really given this much thought?" I swipe at the tears left behind with my forearm. "It's the only thing I can think about." Xavier cups my face in his hands, tilting his head down to look at me. "Then surely it's crossed your mind to just go back to Zena. Get that crazy chick to sell you another cupcake. Hell, I'll even buy it for you, make sure we have our bases covered and all that." I'm so stupid. In fact whatever measure is a few notches above stupid on the idiot scale-I'm that. Something in my face must change. Xavier seems to register the shift from dead inside to hopeful, because the corners of his mouth pull up and he gives me a soft smile. His fingers wipe away the sticky remnants of the tears I missed. "Don't cry anymore, Mouse. I know right now it feels like you have a million reasons to but I promise, we'll figure it out." I needed to hear those words. I may not have realized it this morning, but I needed it to be Xavier's voice speaking them because I believe him. I believe him and for the first time since Jax left, I dare to hope that it will be okay. That I'll bring him back. How could the universe give him to me and then turn around and take him away? "Will you take me there? To Zena?" "'Course I will, Mouse. You know that." I wrap my arm around his waist, he wraps his arm around my shoulder and we leave campus-- I hope to bring Jax home. My leg will not stop shaking. I'm chewing my nails to the cuticles, anxious as hell the entire drive to Zena's. I am too preoccupied with my own nerves to assess whether or not Xavier's intentions are true up to this point. He's focused on the road and I turn my body toward him in order to get out of my own head. "X?" "Yeah?" "Why the sudden change of heart?" "It's not a change of heart, Lo." "What do you mean?" "I didn't suddenly stop being in love with you," Xavier says. "So what gives?" Xavier doesn't take his eyes off the road. "There's that old saying, 'if you love something, set it free, if it was meant to be yours, it will come back to you.'" I'm not mean to be yours. I know it. I don't say this to him. I can't. But I know it as sure as the rising and the setting of the sun -- I am meant for Jax. "Why the sudden epiphany?" "I had a good talk with Maddy." "Who?" "Madeline." "You're on a nickname basis?" Xavier shrugs. "I guess. Point is this. I was behaving like a jackass. I was dangerously close to losing you completely and I was too stupid to see it. I can't do life without you, Mouse. Even if it means that I have to love my best friend from afar, than so be it. Better than the alternative." I nod. "Thank you." "Thank you, for giving me another chance after the jerk I've been. God knows I don't deserve it." "I can't do life without you, either X." He smiles. "It's settled then. Let's do life together. Even if it's just as friends." I'm grateful for the conversation for two reasons. One, it feels good to clear the air. Two, it's a distraction that works long enough that when I look up again, I have to stop myself from flipping an imaginary eject switch to the seat of the car because we're just around the corner to Zena's. I'm out of the car before X even shifts the gear to park. My fist is up and I'm banging frantically on Zena's door. There is no answer so I hit the thing harder and start pushing the doorbell repeatedly. The noise it makes echoes back through the door. Xavier stands behind me with his hands shoved in his pockets. "Maybe she's in the shower?" I bang again and again and again. "Answer the door!" I spin to face X as if he can somehow make Zena answer the door. His eyes are taking in the front stoop and he frowns. "What is it?" I ask. Xavier looks down at the concrete. "Wasn't there flowers here before?" "What?" He doesn't answer, instead slipping past me and looking into a window, using his hands as a shield from the sun to he's able to peer inside. I keep knocking. "Zena. Open the door! Please!" "Hey, Mouse?" I bang again. So hard the door frame shakes underneath my hands. "Zena?" "Mouse?" I want to stomp my feet like a pissed off child until this chick comes and answers the door. "Answer the door!" I bring my fist up to bang on it again when I feel Xavier's arms come from behind me. He wraps his fingers around my wrist and pulls my arm down. "Mouse," he whispers, "stop." I shake my head. "No. No. She needs to bring him back." "She's gone," Xavier says softly. I wriggle out of his grasp and move to look in the same window Xavier did, but I have to stand on the very tips of my toes and hardly see anything at all. "No. She's has to Xavier. She has to bring him back." Xavier comes over to where I stand. "Lola, look at me." I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut tight. I refuse. I will not look at him when he tells me my last hope is gone.