Chapter 48: Thirty Four-1

7:47 AM I haul ass down then large set of stairs, the hairs on the back of my neck are standing straight up which makes me wonder if Xavier has followed me. Thing is-no matter how badly he wants to talk to me, he won't risk disrupting and entire auditorium filled with curious minds to do so. Rather than turn around and confirm that he's on my heels, I continue my power walk to the chairs at the front of the room, where I know I'll be especially safe from prying eyes affixed to one Xavier Morgan. I know it's my fault. All of it. I wished I never made the wish, but I would never have uttered those terrible words if X hadn't seen fit to kiss me thus prompting a series of events I wish I could forget. I told Xavier we were good, but I can't say I mean it because I'm not sure that's the truth anymore. Without a sound, I slide into my seat and unbuckle the clasp on my messenger bag to remove my notebook and pens. As professor Calhoun enters the room and begins his lecture without a moments hesitation, I absentmindedly chew on the end of my pen until the plastic is unrecognizable. I zone in and out of some kind of dreamlike state, unable to stop thinking about Jax. If I close my eyes long enough, I can almost hear his voice, feel his fingers on my skin. This simple fact fills me with a burning desire to head back to the dorm, crawl under the covers and sleep for all of eternity if it means I can be with him again. Two hours pass and I have retained nothing. Not one thing. The only thing I have to show for the final and perhaps most important lecture in this course is a sad attempt at a butterfly doodle scrawled across the lined pages of paper. "Due one month from now," Calhoun says. Wait. What? What is due one month from now? I glance up at the whiteboard for more information but the only thing there is a due date scribbled in red marker. "Assignment details will be uploaded to D2L later today." Thank God. "Good luck and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. Any questions at all." 'Any questions at all' is a very encompassing statement. Why is the sky blue? Do dogs go to heaven? What is your theory on time and space travel? Have you seen my Sunday? I want to ask him this but I don't. One, because he's an English professor and it's not a long shot to assume that the laws of physics wouldn't exactly be his strong point and two because I don't need anyone to question the last remaining shred of sanity I have managed to keep intact. Instead of seeking answers, I gather my things ready to attempt to make it through the rest of the day. I head back up the stairs, staring at my feet until I collide with something solid. It's a familiar solid and it's attached to two, telltale, familiar shoes. Seems I constantly meet Xavier this way when I'm not up to seeing him. "Mouse," he says. "I thought we were putting this behind us." I look up. "We were. I mean, we are." Are we? Lola, you're such a liar. "Then why are you avoiding me?" "I'm not." "You're not?" "No." "Really cause you've been like god damned Houdini the last couple of days." He makes an exploding gesture with his hands. "Poof." He has no idea the irony of what he's just said. I sigh and weave my way past him, continuing up the stairs. Without looking back, I say, "I'm not avoiding you, Xavier. I'm avoiding existing." "What? Why?" "Because it seems like a stupid thing to continue doing." "Existing is stupid?" "Yes." I'm forced to stop moving and wait for the mass exodus from the hall. "Mouse?" "It's stupid because it's a total waste of time if you ask me." The hoards of people clear and I exit the room, and I'm exceptionally grateful because it's getting harder and harder to breathe in there. X follows so close behind me that he's able to lean over and open the set of doors that lead outside the building. He stretches across both me and the door to keep it from closing and now that I can see his face a little bit, his brows are furrowed. "That's the Lola Marie Daniels I know. Ever the eternal optimist." I roll my eyes skyward and spin to face him. "He's gone." It comes out flat and without emotion, the exact opposite of how living it feels. Xavier's brows draw deeper together. "What are you talking about Lola?" I feel my bottom lip begin to tremble and the now far too familiar sting of tears. "Jackson. He's gone." "Where'd he go?" "Do you think I haven't been asking myself the same thing? I don't know where the fuck he went Xavier, if I did, would I be standing here talking to you?" X looks down. "I'm sorry," he mumbles. "Save it," I tell him. "We both know you're not. This is exactly what you wanted. For him to be gone. Well you got your wish, X. He's gone." "That wasn't my wish." "You know something, you're right, it was mine but I only made it because of you!" I scream, poking my finger to his chest. "Because of you! If you hadn't pulled the lame-brained stunt and kissed me Xavier, none of this would have happened!" "That's true," he says calmly. "And I apologized." "Whatever." I feel the first rush of tears start and I want to hightail it out of there. I know by now that once they begin--the damned things are eternal and unending. I rush out into the open, hoping the air can somehow let me breathe, but it doesn't. The world is suffocating. So is X. "Lo, wait." I keep walking, the hot sting of my tears made even hotter by the sun. "Lo!" I move faster. "Lola!" Before I can do anything else, Xavier's body is blocking any chance I have of escape. "Talk to me." "You don't want to hear what I have to say." "Yes," he says, "I do." "No X, you don't. You don't want to hear how much I miss him. How empty and hollow and meaningless everything is." He doesn't respond. My words are like the final opening of the floodgates and I really start to cry, but I don't care. "You don't want to hear how my entire heart, half of my soul was ripped away from me in an instant. How I don't want to live in a world that he isn't part of. You don't want to hear that I would give anything, absolutely anything for one more day with him. You don't want to hear these things, do you?"