Chapter 6 I'M NOT WHAT HE WANTS
Sebastian’s Pov
I stumbled out of the pack house, my legs shaky, my mind a mess. Ragnar’s words kept replaying in my head, like a bad song I couldn’t turn off.
“A lad! He called me a lad,” I muttered continuously, as I trudged down the dark path toward home. Anybody who happened upon me might think that I was crazy. “I’m nothing but a kid to him. Even after… that.”
That was all I got before he cast me aside.
Who even said lad anymore? If I was a lad then he was… a senior citizen!
I kicked a rock out of my way, my hands stuffed deep in my pockets. My face was still burning, my body buzzing with the memory of what I’d just done. Alisander was quiet through it all, his metaphorically back to me.
Why had Ragnar asked me if I had a mate though?
By the time I got back to my house, I was sure I'dfigured it out. It was curiousity. He must have been asking if I had a Chosen mate, if I was married after what I did.
I slammed the front door shut and leaned against it, my chest tight. I kicked my boots off and, as padded over to my bedroom, I passed the kitchen. Only then did I realise that I'd forgotten to bring some food home. I'd lost on two fronts.
I immediately hoped on my bed, face first. I knew the sketches of Ragnar were staring at me from the walls, his face everywhere— serious, smiling, commanding. I could draw a new, sought-after emotion from memory now.
“A lad,” I said again, shaking my head. “I’m eighteen, basically almost nineteen, not some kid. And I just… I just…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence. My face burned as I thought about what I’d done, how I’d knelt in front of him, how he’d groaned under my touch. And still, I was just a lad to him.
I'd never hated a word as much a this before. It felt worse than the slurs that had been thrown at me over the years.
That night, I dreamed about him. It wasn’t like my usual dreams, where I’d see him from afar or imagine him smiling at me. This was different. Intense. Real. I was in his room again, but this time, he wasn’t just sitting there. He was over me, his hands rough on my skin, his body pressing me into the bed.
“You’re mine,” he growled in my ear, his voice low and hungry. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, just clung to him as he moved, his hands everywhere, his mouth on mine. It was too much, too good, and…
I woke up with a scream, my body jerking upright. My sheets were soaked with sweat, and worse, I could feel the sticky mess on my thighs.
“Oh, come on!” I shouted, throwing the blanket off me. My hands were shaking as I stumbled out of bed, my face burning with embarrassment. “Are you kidding me?”
I grabbed a towel from the bathroom and started cleaning myself up, muttering under my breath. “Gods!” I said, glaring at the nearest sketch on the wall.
I was angry, and annoyed and still a little aroused. I hated this cocktail of emotions he pulled out of me. I tossed the towel into a corner and went to sit on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep dreaming about him like this. It’s pathetic.”
Alisander finally stirred, his voice so quiet the words were blurring into each other. “Not pathetic. It’s the mate bond.”
My heart jumped in gratitude and I know he felt it even thought I replied harsly. I really didn't want to be alone. “Oh, now you decide to talk?” I snapped, standing up to pace the room. “Where were you when I was freaking out earlier? You left me hanging!”
“I was giving you space,” Alisander said. “You’re not exactly handling this well.”
“Same thing,” I muttered, unconsciously grabbing a pencil and a sketchpad from my desk. I didn’t want to sleep again, not if it meant another dream like that. I sat down and started drawing, my hand moving on autopilot, sketching the curve of Ragnar’s jaw from memory. It began to ironically, calm me down.
“You should go to him, go to our Mate—”
“No way,” I said firmly. “He called me a lad. A lad! Like I’m some kid who wandered in off the street. I might as well be. He’s the Alpha. I’m an omega. It doesn’t work like that.”
“You don’t know that,” Alisander replied. “The Moon Goddess paired you to him for a reason.”
Immediately my mood plummeted. The Moon Goddess was messing with me, dangling something I could never have right in front of my face. Omegas didn’t mate with Alphas. Never. And even if they did, the Alpha always rejected them. I’d heard the stories— Omegas who thought they’d found their mate, only to be cast aside because they weren’t strong enough, weren’t good enough.
“Yeah, to torture me,” I said, pressing the pencil harder against the paper. “He’s never going to see me as anything more than some random omega.”
Alisander growled, low and frustrated. “You’re giving up before you even try. You felt the bond. You could go to him, talk to him.”
“And say what?” I burst out, slamming the pencil down. “Don’t you get it? If this is real then, he has to know, he's an Alpha. And yet he still sent me away.”
That was the part that hurt me the most, how easily he was able to step over both me and the mate bond. And if it wasn't real, if Alisander was somehow getting this twisted, then it'd be best if I stayed right where I was not, not go marching back into his room to announce, wrongfully, I was his mate.
It was a bold claim, and it could end really badly for me.
Alisander was quite for a while I thought he'd rolled over and left me again. Until he spoke, almost resigned. “Ragnar felt something too. You saw the way he looked at you after. He asked if you were mated. He knows something’s up.”
I froze, my stomach twisting. “Aren’t you listening to me? He'll have my head if I'm wrong.”
“We’re not wrong,” he whinned.
I paused, fighting tears as I spoke my next words. “He didn’t even ask my name.”
“Because you didn’t give him a chance,” Alisander said. “Go back to the pack house. Talk to him.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not doing it. I’m not setting myself up to get hurt, one way or another. The best case scenario is that he doesn’t want me, Alisander. And that tracks. He’s the Alpha of all Alphas. He needs someone strong, someone who can stand by his side, not some orphan omega who can barely pay for a decent shirt.”
“You’re more than that,” Alisander said, his voice softer now. “You’re his mate. The Moon Goddess doesn’t make mistakes.”
I laughed, but it came out bitter. “Yeah, well, maybe she did this time.” I went back to my sketch, ignoring Alisander’s horrified gasp, my hand moving faster now, filling in the details of Ragnar’s face.
“I’m not going to him. If he wants me, he can come find me. But I’m not holding my breath.”