Chapter 32: Casino Girl
Pierre seemed to be trying to force her to make love so that her heart would open up a little or whatever Pierre's purpose was. But what is clear is that right now she doesn't feel ready to do that.
"Pierre, sorry! I'm still tired. Can I just rest today?" She asked with a sad smile. Pierre froze, looking at her embarrassedly because he had acted like a selfish fool.
Pierre tried to hold back his pride which was quite hurt by Lucia's rejection. He wanted to be angry, but he realized that he had no right to be angry with her. But in the bottom of his heart, he shouted loudly for Lucia to see him.
"Okay, I understand. You can rest. Want me to make you something to eat? I'll cook lunch if you're hungry!"
"To be honest, I'm not that hungry, but I don't want to refuse you this time either. Maybe omurice would be good for lunch."
"Omurice, huh? That was your favorite food before, right?"
"You still remember it?"
"I remember everything about you. Okay, I'll go shopping for a while. You can take a shower and relax while you wait for me!" Pierre said as he left. Lucia still felt guilty, for some reason she couldn't let Pierre go feeling like that.
She don't know if it's because she's too naive or because she's still not really sure about her feelings for Leo. She chased Pierre who had almost reached the door and hugged him from behind.
Pierre was shocked, he felt Lucia's tight embrace with both trembling hands. He didn't know what kind of person Lucia actually expected him to be? Why couldn't it be the man she chose to love?
"I don't want you to be angry with me, Pierre! I really don't know what I'm thinking and what should I do right now? I really want Leo, I feel like he-"
"Love you?"
"Pierre, I-"
"If you're trying to guess about his feelings, I'm sure you already knew from the start. Leo, he always relied on you in all situations, he always thought that you were his parent. I think that's natural considering that he doesn't have a real parent figure to worthy of raising him. He grew up healthy and well cared for because you did it. I feel happy for that. But, the longer the closeness between the two of you makes me more annoyed. I don't know why he always easily hugs you and you always easily kiss his cheeks and forehead, letting him lie on your lap. As for me, I feel as if I can't touch you like that. Isn't that cheating?" Pierre's voice trembled. He tried to hold back his sadness. He knew that he was the guy Lucia could rely on the most, but being the person she relied on the most actually made him not worthy enough to be loved.
Knowing Pierre's deep feelings for her gave her a dilemma. She remembered the day she received a rejection from Chris and a declaration of love from Leo, that afternoon she experienced something she would never have expected about how Pierre treated her. But because she always felt indebted to Pierre and his family, she felt that she could not refuse.
What is love? Two weeks before she decided to leave them, she experienced one incident after another that made her feel that their relationship had changed. She realized that her friends no longer saw her the same way.
She kissed all four of them, had sex with Bryan and Pierre, did something stupid with Leo. What kind of friendly relationship is that? At that time she regretted everything and thought that if they had remained friends like when they were children, she would definitely not have followed her parents in moving and chose to stay in her hometown.
She couldn't say anything to comfort Pierre, Pierre was clearly hurt and it was probably her fault because she was born a woman.
Suddenly, the words her father said when she came to visit him at the mental hospital came back to disturb her mind. She had heard that a long time ago when she was starting to grow up as a teenage girl who still tried to look like a boy just to make her father happy.
The bulging eyes, the look on his face that seemed like he couldn't believe what he was seeing made him look like a terrible monster.
"What are you saying?"
"Lucia is menstruating, she's really in pain. Don't force her to keep training!"
"What do you mean by menstruation? He is my son, how could he experience such a disgusting thing?"
"That's enough, Edward! Come to your senses! She's not Lucas, Lucas is dead! He's dead...!"
"Bastard...! Don't say that! He is Lucas...! He is my son, you damn bitch...!"
"No, Dad! I'm not Lucas, I can never be Lucas. I'm so sorry!"
The painful memories felt so torturous every time they came back to haunt her like nightmares that she almost always saw at night. Her body was shaking, she once hated herself so much.
"Pierre!" She tried to call Pierre who was still standing with his back to her. Her tears flowed freely even though she tried to hold back the sound of crying.
"Yeah? Is there anything else you want to say?"
"If I were a man like you, Bryan, Chris and Leo. Would our relationship be okay?"
"What are you talking about?"
"No, I just think that all this mess happened because I was a woman. You know Pierre, I think my dad was right. If I were a man maybe my life would be much easier. I wouldn't be this weak, Pierre I'm not as strong as I you think about it!"
"I know. I know you're not as strong as you've always shown. I know you're just pretending, I know that. I know you're trying to hide your sadness, I know your family isn't okay, I know all that."
"Pierre?"
"What makes you think that none of us know? We've been neighbors for 12 years, I've always watched you from my bedroom window. I often see how you immediately wipe your tears when you cry, I know it's not uncommon for you to pretend to smile and laugh so that we think you're fine. Maybe they don't know, but me? What makes you think that I don't know anything? You're really a fraud, aren't you? I fell in love with you from the moment you pushed me in front of the fence of my house in our first meeting. That was the first time I saw a small child who was very big and looked like a snowman. I really liked the way you ate, the expression on your flat and cute face. I've fallen in love with you since then."