Chapter 9: December 1985 to January 1986

Colin's father proudly shares his home with me. "My son brings a nice girl home during his first winter break," he greets us with a grin. "It’s wonderful. Welcome, Ra'Shelle."

I sleep in the guest room, and Colin and I study together at the kitchen table. As we draw, Colin’s father often looks over our shoulders. "I think Ra'Shelle’s talent matches yours, son."

I smile, and my face is warm. "Thank you, Mr. Brown. I’m not sure I deserve that compliment."

He taps my in-progress sketch of smiling ballroom dancers. “I think you do.”

Six days into the new year, Mr. Brown returns to teaching chemistry at the public high school. "Do you two need anything before I leave?"

Colin smiles. "We have a refrigerator and a television. What more could we want?"

Mr. Brown chortles and rolls his eyes. "Okay, well, I'll return around five. Enjoy the day." He locks the door behind him, and we silently listen to his car back out of the driveway.

"Still a week before college starts back,” Colin says, “and now we have no adult supervision. Whatever will we do with ourselves?"

I grin. "Well, like you said, we have a refrigerator and television."

He chuckles and walks into the living room. "You want to watch a movie or something?"

I take his hand. "No. I want a tour of your childhood bedroom."

He follows me. "Oh, if I’d known you’d ask, I would have hidden all the embarrassing stuff."

"I won’t judge… much." I clear my throat as I walk into the room. "Oh, Colin, my friend."

Embarrassed, he chuckles. "I told you."

"Comic book and groovy posters on the walls. Bookshelves filled with superhero action figures…" I touch his arm, "along with all the comic books."

"You couldn’t guess that I was a comic book nerd?" He gently places his hands on my shoulders; it’s the first time he’s touched me without explicitly asking for consent, but it feels safe, comforting.

"And a poster for Rabbit Test? Colin!"

He laughs. "I like Billy Crystal, and I wanted to believe Joan Rivers could direct."

"Oh, Colin. That poster may irrevocably alter our friendship."

He bends down as if he’ll rest his chin on my shoulder, but he doesn’t. "Really?"

"Colin," I turn around, "you spent real money on Rabbit Test. Like you had a paper route or allowance or something, and you thought ‘I should use this hard-earned money to buy a Rabbit Test poster, and then I’ll hang it in my room, so I can look at it every day.’"

He laughs. "I know. I know."

I grin as I place my hands against his collarbones. " Any other terrible secrets I should know?"

"I saw Mommie Dearest in theaters?"

I shake my head. "Well, at least you didn’t buy a poster." I lean and hit the light switch. Streaming through the curtainless window, sunlight fills the room. "I've dreamed a lot while staying here,” I whisper.

"Good dreams, I hope."

"The best."

I lean forward as if to kiss him, then flip the light switch again. "But if you'd rather watch television…"

He turns off the light and looks into my eyes. "I'd rather you tell me about these dreams."

I smile and move my hands under his sweater. "Well, first, this needs to go."

He pulls the sweater over his head and casually tosses it on the floor. He stares into my eyes, and all I can see is longing and urgency.

I kiss him tenderly, leaning into him until his back presses against the wall. My left hand shuts the bedroom door while my right unbuttons his jeans. "Now, these." I grin mischievously. "Please."

I know he wants to check with me, but instead he returns my grin and slowly pulls off his jeans. "Well, I'm down to my boxers, and somehow you’re still fully clothed."

I playfully push him onto the bed. "Not for long."

He props himself up on his forearms and watches me slowly undress, revealing an orange camisole with a built-in bra and matching boyshorts.

He swallows. "Nice color coordination."

"I try to look good for you."

"You could wear anything and accomplish that."

I’m taken aback, and I stare past him, unsure how to respond.

He leans forward. "Ra'Shelle, stay with me."

I clear my throat. "I'm here. It's just… I was so caught up in the moment that I forgot that you've never seen this much of me. I know it’s… that you might have expected something different."

He holds both of my hands and gently tugs until I fall beside him. "You know that whole 'caught up in the moment' thing?"

I nod.

"I think you're beautiful, and nothing will change that, so let's return to that feeling. I removed my shirt and pants, and you practically threw me onto the bed. Then I watched the sexiest woman I've ever known undress, and now she's staring at me with captivating eyes. The things I want to do with you and to you, Ra'Shelle, it requires all of my willpower to keep my hands away.”

I smile, returning to the moment. "Then don't."

He rolls over and moves his hands under my cami. He kisses me deeply until we are nearly melting into one another.

I help him pull the cami over my head, and he rubs his hands over my sides and stomach, continuing his deep kisses.

"Is this what happened in your dream?"

I grin. "Some of it… Can we do that thing?"

He cocks his head. "Which thing?"

Blood warms my face, but he strokes my forehead. "Use your words. Ask for what you want."

"Last time, you said… maybe…"

"Oh," he says with sudden realization, "yeah, c'mere."

He touches his bare back to the pillows against the wall and helps me lean against him with my chin at his shoulder before pulling a soft blanket over us. "Okay?"

"Better than."

He softly kisses my collarbone, and I moan. "Do you want more?" he whispers.

"Very much."

He obliges.

He rubs my shoulders and moves his hands down my chest. When he stops, I know he's waiting for consent, and I nod against his shoulder.

When his fingers touch my nipples, I arch my back before pressing against him even harder.

He tantalizes and explores me, all the while scattering soft kisses along my neck and shoulders.

My head clears, and the voices quiet.

After several minutes, he moves his hands to my stomach, repeatedly grazing his fingertips against my scarred skin.

He's waiting for my move.

I bend my knees and slowly part my legs.

He moves his fingers down another inch and waits again.

I nod into him, and he kisses my neck.

He returns his right hand to my chest; his left hand disappears beneath my boyshorts.

And he touches me in ways I’ve never consented to before.

Sparks ignite inside of me; my hips buck and my back arches. I release a loud, high moan, different from my usual soft, gravelly sounds.

I press myself against him, and he emits his own low moan.

He wraps his arms around my shoulders, and I hold his arms. With my eyes still closed, I kiss the side of his neck and feel him twitch. I smile and kiss him again.

He gives me a lingering kiss and smiles as I open my eyes.

"Hey, beautiful."

I inhale deeply, unsteadily. "Hey yourself."

Slowly, he unwraps his arms and begins to reposition himself. He stands and steps off the bed. “I’ll be back in a moment. Don’t go anywhere.”

“As if I could."

After he shuts the door, I redress quickly, leaving my jeans unbuttoned, my underwear casually exposed.

He returns and shuts the door. "Aww. Now I feel really underdressed."

I let my eyes drift over his body. "I'm not complaining."

He pulls on his jeans before lying next to me.

"Staying bare-chested just for me?" I ask, turning on my side and propping my head on my palm.

He mirrors my movements. "Always for you."

I stroke his bicep with the back of my hand. "Can I ask you something?"

"Ra'Shelle, you can always ask me anything."

"That picture… the one you drew of the adults pushing the kids on swings?"

"For the final piece of my portfolio? What about it?"

I lose my nerve and bite my lip.

He kisses my palm, before wrapping his hand around mine. "What about it?" he asks again, softer this time.

"Why did you draw it?"

"Is that really the question you want to ask me?"

I take a deep breath. "No."

"Then ask me the real question."

"Do you ever think about it?” I ask. “Having a family?"

He clicks his tongue. "There it is."

I drop onto my back and look at the ceiling. "Never mind."

"Hey." He lightly tugs at my arm. "Come back. I was just teasing. C’mere."

I roll back over, fidgeting.

"Of course, I do. I'm a man in my prime."

"I’ll say."

He grins. "Thank you."

"Shut up," I whisper playfully.

He strokes my forehead. "I think about that couple dancing in the park, about parents pushing their kids on swings, and about the future." He extends his hand. "Don't you?"

I bite my lip. "When I sketched that wedding, I wasn’t thinking about weddings, just designing the clothes."

"And you drew them beautifully,” he says. “That didn't really answer my question."

"I didn’t think about it before, because I–I didn't see a reason for it."

He furrows his brow. "What do you mean?"

I shrug, lowering my eyes.

"Ra'Shelle?"

I point at a poster. "C'mon, Colin. I’m Harvey Dent after the accident–"

"Whoa! That just isn’t true."

"–and I have flashbacks, and nightmares, and cry, and… If I couldn’t even handle having a boyfriend, what was the point of thinking about a husband or kids?" I sigh shakily.

"Ra'Shelle, look at me." It’s a command, but a gentle one.

I bite my lip and look up, meeting his gaze.

"What about now?"

"Now?"

"The teenage Ra'Shelle, the high school Ra'Shelle who was living in a nightmare, that’s what she thought. The grown-up Ra'Shelle, who finished her first semester with all 'A's', what does she want?"

I smile, then sigh, but he simply raises his eyebrows, patiently waiting for a response.

"You. Okay? I want you."

He smiles. "You have me." He gestures down his body. "Obviously."

"No, I meant–"

His smile widens as he leans in to kiss me. "I know what you meant."

I pull away, smiling wryly. "So, you're embarrassing me for no reason?"

He places his hand behind my shoulder. "I apologize. Come back."

"I told you at the beginning of the semester that I didn't want to stand in your way. That I wanted you to make new friends, and date, and whatever."

"I remember. Goofy then, goofy now."

"But now I just, I don't want–"

"Me to date anyone else."

I exhale loudly. "Yes."

"You want me to date you."

I roll my eyes. "Yes, okay?" My ears are hot as I roll onto my back and cover my face. "Yes."

He follows me, lowering his face a few inches above mine. "Ra'Shelle?"

I remove my hands, revealing a grin. "What?"

"For the last four months, we’ve spent time together, learned about each other, empathized with one another, and shared moments of tenderness. Ra'Shelle, welcome to dating." He winks. "The good kind, anyway."

My pulse quickens as I noticeably bite my lip. "What if I said, you know…"

He cocks his head. "What?"

"What if I said, ya know, it?"

"That you like ice cream? I already know that."

I take a deep breath.

"You can do it," he whispers, and I melt.

I search his face, and he nods. I take another deep breath. "I love you. There. I said it. I love you, Colin. I like you. I love you. I want you. I love the way you draw and the way you think. I love your patience and your kindness. I love you."

He grins and points at me. "That was like a whole conversation you just had. Your own little monologue."

I fall back onto the bed again. "Oh, my God! Colin!"

He places his hand behind my shoulder and carefully raises me back to my side. "I love you too, Ra'Shelle. I love your sketches and your sense of fashion. I love your passion and your drive. I love your humor and budding assertiveness. The fact that you trust me and feel safe around me makes me want to cherish and protect you even more. And I appreciate that you can empathize with me. I do. I love you."

I lean forward, and our tentative kiss quickly evolves into something urgent, passionate. He rolls onto his back and holds my sides while I straddle him and press my torso against him. I interlock my fingers with his and press his hands into the mattress.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you too."

I release his hands and rest my forehead against his. He slips his hands under my shirt and gently holds me against him.

"So, what do we do now?" I whisper.

He grins. "This?"

I half-smile, but roll off of him.

He props himself up. "What?"

"So now we're dating."

He cocks his head. "Ra'Shelle, nothing's changed."

"I've never had a label before."

"I know, babe, and I'm honored."

I raise my eyebrows. "'Babe'?"

He laughs. "It's what I've called you in my head for three months. Do you hate it?"

I smile. "No, I love it." I sigh. "I meant do we have the talk now?"

He fails to control a laugh. "What kind of talk?"

"I don't know. Isn't that what people do?"

He strokes my shoulder. "Okay. Let's talk. We just labeled ourselves as exclusive. We'll continue to live in the dorms… And you have to admit sneaking me in and out of Kyler has provided a lot of fun, right?"

I can’t help but grin. "Yes."

He shrugs. "So, we'll keep doing that. When next semester is over, I guess we’ll discuss our living situation."

I stare at him, voiceless.

He raises his eyebrows. "What? Did I freak you out with the 'moving in' talk? Or do you want to have the bigger conversations?"

I bite my lip. "You didn't freak me out."

He kisses my forehead. "Okay, bigger topics. Neither of us has any idea about how we’ll use an art degree. Maybe we'll sell our art for millions; maybe we'll die undiscovered paupers. I can’t predict the future, but if we stay together, we can marry, maybe have kids, maybe buy a house… I'm an artist, Ra’Shelle; I'm open to everything."

"Okay," I whisper.

He gently places his hand on my side. "What?"

My voice is a high squeak. "I think I want all of those things too."

He cocks his head. "I don't understand. We want the same things.” He strokes my shoulder. "Like, three minutes ago, our love made you giddy. What happened?"

Tears fill my eyes, and I quickly button my jeans and stand up. “I can’t."