Chapter 10: January 6, 1986

I’m beginning to sob as I open his door, walk to the guest bedroom, and fall onto the bed. My nerves itch to climb through my skin.

He taps on the door. "Ra'Shelle?" He walks inside and kneels by the bed. "Ra'Shelle, what happened?" His voice is as soft as soil after a gentle rain.

"We can't," I somehow squeeze out between sobs. "We can't do this."

"Why not?"

"You want a swing set."

"What? Ra'Shelle, you're… I don't understand."

"You want the picture. The parents and the kids. You want the picture. And I'm… I'm… I'm…"

"Ra'Shelle?"

"I'm not meant for that life, Colin. I can’t do it!"

He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “I don’t believe that. I don’t agree.”

I sit up, and he sits next to me, looking at my red eyes and tear-streaked face.

“Ra'Shelle?”

"I told you I love you."

"Yes."

"And you said it back." The sobs erupt again, and I bury my face in my hands.

"Yes."

I take a shaky breath and sniffle before looking back up. "And before that we… and I…”

I can’t look at him, and I know he’s watching my profile contort in despair.

"Yes."

I shudder, but his gentle voice invites me into a safe space. "Today, you accomplished something incredible, Ra'Shelle. On an emotional level. On a psychological level. You relaxed with me. You stayed in the moment. Healthy people struggle with that, and it takes tremendous effort for people like us. But you did it."

He leans closer, his hands still on the edge of the bed. "Are you suddenly pressuring yourself to rush things because I told you that I love you?"

I nod, shake my head, then shrug.

He sighs. "I didn't say it to speed things up. I didn't say it to sleep with you. I said it because I meant it."

I uncover my face and reposition, tucking my left leg in front of me while my right leg hangs over the side of the bed. He mirrors my movement. Three feet apart, we stare into one another’s eyes.

"You meant it," I repeat.

"Yes. I meant it. I mean it. I love you."

Immediately, the dam bursts, but I regain control. "I stayed in the moment because we were playing around, and I love our goofy moments."

He raises his eyebrows, looking hurt. "So, you didn't mean it?"

I extend my arm before pulling it away. "No, I did. Of course, I did. I do." My breathing is shaky. "And in the moment, saying it didn't bother me because I knew we both believed it."

He nods. "So, what changed?"

Enveloped in sadness, I rub my forehead. "I couldn’t stay in the moment. You talked about the future, and my mind went to other places… I let my mind wander to those beautiful possibilities, and then a thought–a memory–came to me, and now I can't–" I cover my face again, as the sobs resume.

"Can't think about anything else?"

I can only nod.

"What did you remember that made you this upset this quickly?”

I look up, and our faces are betraying our pain. "Tell me you meant it."

He looks directly into my eyes and leans forward. "I meant it. I mean it. I love you. I have no ulterior motive. I know what love feels like, and I feel it with you." He searches my face. "Do you believe me?"

“Yes.”

"And I believe that you love me, Ra'Shelle. Truly." He places his hands on the bed, palms up, but doesn't touch me. "What did you remember?"

I bite my lip and swallow. "The men, the people, who…” I shake my head and rub my face. “Colin?” I squeak.

“You can do this.”

I hesitate. “They didn’t have consciences. Maybe they never had them; maybe life was too cruel to them. But you can’t have a conscience and…”

I sigh heavily. “A few years ago, Lassio brought a guy whose conscience hadn’t been obliterated yet. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, but Mama had lost at poker and… It doesn’t matter, but this guy decided he was going to go through with it.”

I place my fingertips on top of his, then pull them away. "To assuage his guilt–" I hesitate and swallow before trying again. "To assuage his guilt, he told me that he loved me, and he made me say it back to him. And he starts telling me all these things he'll do for me. Take care of me. Buy me things. All of these kind things as if we're a couple with a future. After it was over, I never saw him again."

I take another deep breath, and my lungs feel too small; they don’t support my vulnerability. "That guy is the only person who ever said it to me, and he's the only person I've ever said it to." I look directly into Colin’s sad eyes. "Until today."

Colin takes two deep breaths, clearly trying to quiet his anger. "I’m sorry, Ra’Shelle."

I rub my face. "I’m finally, finally able to say 'I love you' to someone, and they actually say it back. I should be dancing with glee, smiling with euphoria, but I’m sobbing instead.”

Tormented by my own memories, I speak rapidly. "You’re a good man, Colin. You should want to be with a person who can touch you, and make love to you, and just exist with you. And you wake up, and you go to the grocery store, and buy orange juice, or whatever people buy, and you talk. You talk about baby names and schools, and it never occurs to either of you that one of you may be too broken to be a good parent. It never occurs to you to question if this person is so damaged that they'll just be a liability to pursuing your dreams. That maybe they're quicksand, and you're the idiot who walked into it because you love them."

I stand and begin to pace, my nerves vibrating against my thick skin. "With a healthy person, you don't need to have those conversations. These conversations that we're having right now. You can just assume that everything will work out, that love will win, and that they won't pass their demented, twisted sickness onto your kids because their sadness chains them to the bed, but their fear refuses to let them sleep."

I hold out my hands, pleading. “I know my capabilities and limitations, Colin, and I know I can’t do this. And the thought of making you wait for something that never happens? That requires apathy, cruelty, and I don’t want to be that person either.”

My knees weaken, and I kneel, my puffy eyes aching from the intermittent sobs. "You're an easy guy to love, Colin. You're kind and sweet, and so incredibly patient. You're a catch. The whole package. And me?"

I sigh. "You shouldn't do this. You should walk away. You should realize that you'll always have to worry and stress, and debate whether you really want kids, or a house, or anything else with me. You can love someone and still know that you shouldn't be with them. Maybe that's who I need to be for you. A woman you dated for a few months. A woman you enjoyed spending time with, and laughing with, and being friends with, but who you knew, in the long run, would never be the romantic partner you needed. If I need to be that person… I just want you to experience happiness, Colin–real, unadulterated happiness. And I don’t know that you can do that with me."

His soft voice washes over me as he pats the bed. "Will you come up here please?"

I search his face.

"Please, Ra'Shelle?"

My embarrassment stirs, but I arrange myself on the bed, sitting just as I had a few minutes ago.

He places his hands on the bed and looks into my eyes. "Whenever you're ready."

Maybe I should have expected this, but I didn’t. I take a deep breath and place my fingers against his. After only a few seconds, the sobs force themselves against my pained eyes.

"Like before, okay?" he asks as he moves his hands.

I nod and cover my face.

He wraps his arms around me, and pulls me close. Gently, we fall onto the bed together, my head buried in his shoulder. My tears fall against his bare skin as he strokes my back with his thumb.

"My turn, okay?"

I nod.

"I can't predict the future, Ra'Shelle. I hope that we'll make it, but I don't know. No one does. But I love you now. I want you now. I want you to be who you are, and I want to be there to watch you become whomever it is you're evolving into. You're a few years behind, babe. You're still figuring out how to be a person, let alone an adult. But I need to tell you, Ra'Shelle. There's another person inside of you. Maybe you can’t see her yet, but I can, and she's amazing.

"Neither cocky nor arrogant, but unbelievably confident and commanding. A leader. A rebel. A strategic thinker. A play-the-tape-to-the-end person. You're going to become less reactive and more proactive, and everyone around you is going to be better for it. You'll be even wittier than you are now, and you won’t take things too seriously because you've faced more than enough serious situations for one lifetime.

"You don't need to worry about if you'll be a good partner, or mom, or whatever role you play, because you will. I would marry you today, and have a baby with you today, and not for one second worry that you would intentionally hurt me or that kid. But when you figure this out, Ra'Shelle, when you become the person who I already see emerging… you'll be unstoppable. And I want to watch."

I look up. "You'd marry me today?"

He wipes a tear from my cheek. "We shouldn't because, you know, we've only known each other for four months, but if I woke up tomorrow, and discovered magical marriage fairies visited us in the middle of the night, I’d be genuinely happy."

I turn my head into him, stroking his bare chest with my fingertips. A comfortable silence joins us for several minutes. "For the record, I don't want the fairy tale,” I tell him. “I know there are people who spend their entire childhoods imagining the dress, and rings, and cakes. I don't need any of that."

He smiles and strokes my shoulder. "You don't want cake?"

"Just you and ice cream."

He laughs, and his joy sets fire to the room's somberness. "Well, there has to be ice cream, right? I mean it's us."

"You and me."

He pulls me close and kisses my palm. "Just you and me."