Chapter 5

15th May 2006: 12:15 pm.

“You can have any fucking girl you want, Ted. Why her? When you knew...”

Yes, I knew my best friend well enough to know when he liked a girl. He was the shy one. He’d only lost his virginity because I’d made sure of that. Otherwise, he would still be a virgin.

“I know, which is why I wanted to tell you. I didn’t know how,” I said as I turned the ignition and started to head back the same way that we had come from less than an hour ago. I knew what my mother was like, which is why I never talked to her about anything. Nothing in fact. It had been like that for years and it suited both of us just fine. Even now she had a habit of winding me up. But my father was different. Once in a while I could connect to him. We would have that man time and I would tell him things and value his take on the issue. That was until I’d found out about his secret mistress. He kept her hidden well. He’d confessed her to me, I think that it gave him some relief. I never understood why he never left mother, why he insisted on being in love with one woman, but living with another. That was until I went to college and saw the true nature of their relationship. It was a business agreement. One where she went to the right events, the right places, and knew how to behave. Maybe his mistress couldn’t do that. But right now, I didn’t care, because the only one person I had ever classed as a friend had been deeply betrayed by me.

“If you wanted her then why didn’t you go after her?” I asked, knowing that it was a cop out. I had to say something as I swirled round the roundabout. A justification for betraying a friend that I'd considered a brother. The one that had looked after my back for so many years. A wave of regret entered my mind as I thought about Emma. I was so sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but it would come at a sacrifice. Was I really willing to give up my friendship with Will over her? Was our love really that strong? I couldn’t fucking think right now and, as I tried to concentrate on the road and gauge Will’s mood, I decided that he would understand in time. I just should have told him myself, and at the right time, but that had been taken out of my hands, by mother. She’d gone out of her way to destroy my chance of doing that and now it was going wrong. Not just a little bit. But so fucking much that I’d lost control of my thoughts as I nearly hit a car.

“Just stop the fucking car!” Will growled as he raised his hands up.

“What? But I’m getting on the motorway in a minute.”

“If you think that I want to spend the next couple of hours sitting in the fucking car with you, then you’re fucking mad. Just stop the car. I want to get out. I’ll make my own way back to college.”

We both knew that he was short on money, I’d used that to my advantage by bringing him back to college. If he’d had the funds, then he would have left the house alone. He wouldn’t have wanted a ride from me, but now I was wondering if I’d pushed him too far. Touched too much of a nerve for him to even tolerate me for the next couple of hours.

“Will, you need to understand that it wasn’t on purpose. You went back home and we were alone and…”

“You can’t keep your fucking cock in your pants. We all know that, Ted. Ted fucking Rogers - isn’t that what the ladies call you? The one with the big cock and a wallet to match the size of it. Unlike you Ted, I don’t have a fucking reputation. I’m a sensitive guy. I saw what being a single mom did to my mom and I want a different life for myself. I need to figure out who I am before I can start a relationship with someone. You see, I don’t want to just be with one girl one night and another the next.”

“Neither do I,” I said in my defense, because there was something that he really needed to know. I didn’t do this over a one-night stand; there was something deeper going on.

He choked, “Do you hear the crap that comes out of your mouth sometimes? You’ve been brought up in a rich world, but a sterile one. I wouldn’t live with a woman and call her my wife and look at her the same way your dad does.”

“Oh, so now you want to bring my family into it?”

I’d thought the conversation was about Emma and what I was doing to our friendship. It had nothing to do with my parents, a topic that I'd avoided my whole life. Only Will knew the real story and I wanted to keep it that way. I didn’t fucking understand it. And I never wanted to. I found a spot to stop, it was on a double yellow line, but I thought about what Will said. He was right. It was best that I just stopped the car and let him out. The conversation wasn’t getting anywhere, and the last thing I needed to hear was about my parents. I’d betrayed him. I’d known it when I did the deed and guilt was the reason that I hadn’t told him the truth.

As the car stopped and I put on the hazard lights, I waited for him to get out. I couldn’t even fucking look at him. Shit, I was the best liar in the world. Even when Will had taken the rap for cheating in the exam, I’d looked at the Principal and smiled. I’d been lying, but I’d still fucking smiled as if I was the innocent one, when he’d said that there was no way that Will would copy my paper, not if he wanted to pass the exam.

“I fucking sit and listen you day in and out about every fucking girl that you want to get with. Then after you’ve done the deed you’ll be laughing and cheering like a school boy about the challenge which was easier than you thought it would be. I see you flirt with Emma, but then I knew you realized that she was untouchable. Because there’s things between us that we don’t have to say to each other. Didn’t that mean anything to you?”

He stared at me. Waited for me to say something to him, but I couldn’t. I was a fucking coward. I’d never called myself that until now.

“Shit, I would never mock you about your parents, because I thought that we were brothers, a friendship that could never be broken, but now,” he paused as he unclasped his belt, “I know what’s really going on…”

A tear escaped my eye; big bad Ted fucking Rogers, wanted to fucking cry. I didn’t think that it was possible until now. But then again, until now I had never lost anything. All my relatives were pretty much alive. My mother’s side of the family were as cold as she was, so in the event of their death I doubted that I would share a tear. Dad’s bunch were a mix, but then apart from the odd distant relative they were all pretty much alive too. No, I’d never lost a friendship, because Will was my only true friend and I’d betrayed him. I’d never had a girlfriend, because being in a relationship scared the shit out of me until that night with Emma.

Will was the first and only person that I would lose in my life and I felt like a fool. Had I really expected him to pat me on the back and say well done?

He didn’t look at me as he spat the words, “When we get back, don’t you ever fucking talk to me again. Go stay in a hotel or something until the end of the year.”

We shared a dorm on campus. One that my father paid for because, unlike my mother, he liked Will. Mother knew nothing about it. She’d visited and knew that we shared a place, but she never knew that Will didn’t pay a penny. It was none of her fucking business. I wanted Will to calm down and reconsider, “Will..”

“I used to think of you as the brother that I never had. Some used to tell me that you were so arrogant, pompous and thought that you could do whatever you wanted in life and get away with it. But I used to stand proudly and think that you had all the confidence in the world on the outside. Something that I used to admire. I knew that underneath it all you were a frightened boy, wishing that you were loved by your mom, just the same way that my mom loves me.”

He was right about that, I’d give all the money in the world not to be air-kissed by my mother, just to have a normal conversation. Call me crazy, but I felt more comfortable in Will’s pokey one bedroom (since he left home, his mom downsized) then I did in my ten bedroom mansion or our holiday homes in the Bahamas, Maldives, or apartment in New York. Those are the only ones that I stayed in from time-to-time. The others are not homes. They were just holiday places that I visited to get away from my reality. Will always made me feel that in time I’d be able to look in the mirror and feel good about myself. I realized that I didn’t need him to do that. Emma had been doing it all this time and I’d turned a blind eye to it. Until that night.

Will hesitated as he opened the car door. I could have told him to stay.

“I never ever thought that I would say this to you. But if you see me coming, just look the other way. Ted, get out of our flat. By the time I get back, I expect you to be gone. I know your dad pays for it, but you’ve just crossed the line.”

He didn’t wait for me to respond as he got out of the car. He was right, it was our apartment. Dad had rented it out in our second year and we’d stayed there ever since. He could have bought it, but I didn’t want to be tied after I finished at college. I wanted options, besides with the real estate market going up and down at the time, it wasn’t worth the purchase.

I sat in the car watching my friend, when I should have closed the door behind him. I sat in a trance thinking about my best friend who one minute walked to the left and then to the right, unclear about what direction to head in. He paused and then decided on the right. The complete opposite direction to what he should be going in. It was fucking cold, so I stretched over and closed the door. I didn’t care about the parking attendant who was happily heading my way as if she’d found the winning lottery ticket. I knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to give me a fine, but with her chubby legs stopping her from walking at the speed of light, I picked up the phone to call Emma.

As soon as she picked up, I said, “He knows.”

She was quiet for a second, probably trying to take it all in. I didn’t say that I’d told him, I just told her that he knows.

She sighed, “How did he take it?”

“Where are you?”

“In my room.”

“Stay there. Give me a couple of hours or so and I’ll be there.”

On that note I hung up. I didn’t wait for her to respond, because I never thought that I could shed a tear, but I learned that for the first time in my life I knew how to cry. I needed her comfort, her warm embrace, because I felt empty and completely lost. Something else that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling until now.