Chapter 14

1st October 2015: 10:45 am I replayed it all in my head just as I had told the police. I closed my eyes and thought about what had happened earlier. Maybe there was some clue or something that I had missed which would let me know exactly what had happened to my little girl.

I felt as if I was living a nightmare, but with my eyes wide open. We sat in the car, and I turned the ignition.

“One!”

Nothing, not even a creak. I started it again.

“Two,” I whispered, trying not to frighten her. One more time if not even a sound, I was going to give up.

“Thr-e-e,” as if somehow turning it slowly meant that I had a better chance of it starting, well that was what I told myself. It was still the same result.

I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want Barbara to realize that I was panicking. I didn’t want to frighten her. How could a brand new Audi not start? Ted had bought it for my thirtieth birthday. A gift to his precious wife. The one that he would love and cherish forever. The one that he would be forever faithful to - but that had only lasted for the first year of our marriage. Everything after that had been a lie.

“Mommy, are we going?”

She startled me, and I caught my breath and turned around. Her blue eyes were frantic as usual, as they were whenever we were late, which was nearly every day. Yesterday, when I was so stressed, the idea of taking her to school, let alone doing anything else, felt too much.

“Just a minute, sweetheart. I’m going to see if the car will start, one more time.”

We had moved to Belgravia so that we would have good transport links in and out of Central London, not that Ted and I used public transport. But with the sky-rocketing high prices in this area, it had seemed worth it at the time. Besides, we needed to make sure that we would recoup our money if ever the property market failed. The media had claimed that it was on its way once or twice during the seven years since that we’d lived in the house.

“The radio’s dead.” I pressed the button to see if it would come on and give me a glimmer of hope. “Your dad’s not at home. We’re going to be late, and we can’t walk.”

Ted claimed that he was in the Far East. I knew what that meant. He was back with Li, his secretary who he’d got rid of six years ago when I’d threatened to walk out of the door. He’d said that I meant more to him than she ever did; more lies, because he was back with her.

I had to get Barbara to school.

Don’t get distracted, Emma!

Everything else just had to wait so I could focus on getting her to school.

Ted’s extra-marital affairs soon would be a thing of the past; I just needed to get out of this marriage sooner rather than later otherwise I would go insane. Or maybe I was half way there already?

“We can always take the bus. I’ve always wanted to go on the bus. I’m six, and I’ve never been on the bus.”

She made being six sound like a lifetime.

Barbara had a point; we could jump on the bus. It wasn’t far, but I had to check out the exact route on Google. I’d even joined the Environmental group when I’d vowed never to use a car again. I’d sold my old one so that I could be at one with the environment. But instead of using the bus, I’d kept on asking him for a lift.

Ted didn’t take me seriously. He said that I never took public transport, so it was pointless being carless. I bought a bicycle to prove my point, which had been stuck in the garage for the last year, since I’d sold my old car.

I was going to call him, tell him that the damn car he’d bought me was broken, but I didn’t want to talk to him. Not if I didn’t have to.

It made more sense to call the garage, make them figure out why a car that was only six months old, and custom-built for my luxury, wasn’t working.

“Mommy, are we going to take the bus?” Barbara asked impatiently, bouncing up and down in the car seat.

Not if I can help it. I smiled as I had become accustomed to doing lately. I had to pretend that I was happy, and that there was nothing wrong. That was the good thing about he and I. We were good at keeping up appearances. Putting on that fake smile and making everyone think that we were a power couple, the type that had a successful house, business and, most importantly a child: the complete package.

“No, dear, we’ll get on the Tube, it’s quicker,” I said as I flicked through Google Maps.

We just had a few stops on the bus, but it would take us twenty minutes, according to Google, if we hopped on the Tube. It made sense to go that way. We were running late. I didn’t expect it to take us exactly twenty minutes, but I knew that it would be quicker than sitting on the bus for the whole journey. Besides, commuters were too busy trying to outrun everyone just to get to their destination as fast as possible. If I held on to Barbara’s hand tightly, then there would be no mistake. She would get there safely and her big straw hat would help me locate her at all times, if for any reason the damn commuters managed to separate us with their hustling and bustling.

There was no point calling a taxi now. They were always late, whenever I called one, they would take the longest route, claiming it was the quickest route, but I knew that it was just to keep their clocks ticking. Everyone was desperate for money these days. Always trying to find ways to make more. Which was why I was stuck in this marriage for now. Ted was trying to pull a fast one, and I wasn’t going to let him.

He thought I was stupid.

But he was the one that was blind!

As we walked down to the Tube station, I called Will. My best friend was helping me get through this ordeal. We hadn’t spoken for years, not since I’d married Ted, but as soon as I’d told him about my troubles with Ted, he was by my side.

“Hey,” I said as I tried to balance my purse, Barbara’s hand and her rucksack, while speaking on my mobile.

“You sound out of breath. Are you jogging?”

“No,” I sighed. “Apparently the garage called and said that my car had been recalled by the Germans. So, I need to take it in.”

“Okay.”

“Just one problem, it’s not working. How can I take it to the garage if it’s not working?”

He laughed, “It could only happen to you.”

He was right about that; it was as if my life wasn’t complicated enough at the moment, so in came in another complication just to add to the list.

“So, what you doing now?”

“Just walking to Victoria Tube station with Barbara. Taking her to school and then I’ll get back to you. We can have a coffee or something?”

“Why not come to the office? I’ve got more evidence for you.”

Just what I needed to hear.

“Yep, Ted has been a naughty boy. He’s been transferring money like crazy.”

My husband thought that he was smart. I knew that he would try and pull a trick before he filed for a divorce. I’d found the papers on his desk. Yes, I’d been snooping. I knew that he was up to something, and whenever he was at home, the moment he went to the toilet or something, I was in there, trying to figure out what he was up to.

“Why today, Will? I just don’t need it. Anyway, it’s not like that’s the only ‘naughty’ thing he’s done,” I sighed as I tried to walk steadily in my heels, which were clearly not meant for walking for longer than five minutes at a time.

“Yes, but you don’t care if he’s sleeping around do you? I mean, you’ve seen all the photos and you said that it didn’t bother you.”

There was a time when, if he had asked me that question, I would have said yes. But Will had shown me so many photos, so many different women that Ted had been with recently, that part of me was glad that we hadn’t had sex in months. God knows if he was clean.

“No!” I’d told myself six months ago that I needed to get out of this marriage, but I had no intention of making it cheap for Ted. He deserved everything he got and so much more.

“Just calm down. Drop Barbara at school and then call me, okay?”

I nodded, thinking that the one voice of reason was on the other side of the phone.

“This divorce is driving me nuts,” I whispered, making sure that Barbara didn’t hear what I was saying.

Usually, I would watch them as I drove past, happy that I didn’t have to commute to work. I gritted my teeth, “Will, I need to get off the phone.” I thought about how much I was hating this morning already and it was only just after eight thirty.

“Baby girl,” I said as I crouched down to speak to her, eye-to-eye. I didn’t even wait for Will to reply as I hung up the phone. I wanted her to be safe as we entered. I was thankful that at least Barbara was a calm child. I didn’t know how she could be in this circus of marriage, but she had managed to stay unaffected by everything that had happened in the house.

She nodded, waiting for my instructions.

“We’re going to get on the Tube, as soon as we go down the stairs and Mommy buys a ticket, okay?”

“I know, Mommy, and I’m so excited.” Her blue eyes shone as she looked at me as if I was taking her on a fun trip. I was just taking her to school, something I hadn’t managed to do yesterday but I’d vowed to do today.

“Yes, but there’ll be a lot of people. So, you need to make sure that you hold my hand at all times. Don’t let go. Okay?”

She nodded. “Mommy, I’ll hold on to it all the time. I promise.”

“Good,” I sighed with relief. Then I let go of her hand for one minute. I put my purse in her rucksack and took out my card. I had a zip pocket inside my jacket, and I decided that I would put my ticket inside there. That way I wouldn’t need to retrieve my card again. I was ready to go and thought about what I needed to do, to be safe and to make sure that I held onto her hand.

Now, all I needed to do was get on the Tube and get off again in two stops. Two stops, and we would be out of Victoria and within a few minutes’ walking distance of her school. I took a deep breath as we joined the swarm of bees.

“Ready, Barbara?”

She looked up and said, “Ready!”

She really was excited and I laughed at the idea that she was happy about getting on the Tube. Maybe if it worked out well, I would ditch the car and do this on a daily basis. Like the commuters, we ran down the steps. I took my time to make sure that I didn’t fall and that Barbara could keep up. Her straw hat planted firmly on her head was my safety net. I didn’t let go of her hand, even as people pushed past me trying to separate us, and I made sure that her little hand was firmly in mine. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I just wanted to make sure that she was okay, then someone shoved me. “Sorry!” they said as I dropped everything and struggled to gather it back up. I smiled at Barbara, but she seemed distracted, looking around. I didn’t know what there was to see, apart from more legs.

I tugged her hand and struggled to make it to the ticket machine only to discover a long line.

“Shit,” I muttered under my breath. But then something caught my eye: a different line for the ticket machines that took cards only.

“Phew.” Again, I tugged her hand and headed in the direction of the nearly empty queue. There were only a couple of people waiting, but I could see from the corner of my eye that others had had the same idea and were heading in the same direction.

My feet were killing me; to say that my three inch heels were not made for walking was an understatement, because they were certainly not made for running either. Again, I checked her, I never spoke and neither did she. I could see her little hat turning from side-to-side. I imagined her face gleaming with excitement at all the commuters rushing past.

Luckily, the people that were in front of me knew how to work the machine and in no time they were getting their ticket and once again, another push.

“Oi!” I shouted as someone tried to get in front of me and use the machine.

“What do you think that I am standing here for?”

He looked at me blankly and then said, “Well, use it then.”

Typical! Not even an apology.

I tried to do everything with one hand. It was useless as I kept dropping things and I didn’t have a clue what I needed. I kept letting go of Barbara’s hand, and balancing her rucksack on my leg. She could at any moment start wandering around the station; she was too curious and excited about our little adventure. Which was more than could be said for her mom.

I was a complete mess, and then an assistant came up to me. “Can I help you, miss?” he asked with a strong African accent. He stood by us, ready to assist us in our plight of getting on the Tube.

“Okay, so I just need to go a couple of stops, to South Kensington and back. I just need a ticket. Does she need one too?”

I felt like a little school kid, unclear how to get on the Tube, it was a bit pathetic at my age. But I didn’t have time to be wandering around like a fool in this heat. The station felt hot. Shit, why didn’t they have A/C in this place? My jacket was practically suffocating me, and I didn’t want to take it off, because that meant letting go of Barbara’s hand again and I had done that about four times already.

“No, she doesn’t need one. Kids go for free on the Tube,” he shook his head, and his eyes darted to the machine. Like magic his fingers pressed the buttons.

“Just put your card in there, love.”

I paid for the ticket, and it popped out. “Thank you so much, you’ve been a big help,”

He smiled quickly before someone asked for his assistance. With my ticket and card safely in my pocket and Barbara’s hand enveloped in mine, I followed the signs to the circle line. It was even more crowded than before; I tried to make us one with the crowd like ants in their colony struggling to work together with the same goal in mind. I figured that if we kept the same pace, then we would all arrive at the same time. I looked down and saw Barbara’s hat. She was turning from side-to-side, probably smiling at the crowd. Thank goodness for the hat. At least if I let go of her hand for a split second, then I would easily find her. I must have had paranoia written on my forehead. Everyone was too busy trying to get to where they were going. No one was interested in me, and certainly not my little girl. We came to a halt. Someone was pushing me to get through the gate, but this time I wasn’t going to fall, I had to stand my ground.

“Can I help you?”

I was trying to figure out how to pass my ticket through and walk in with Barbara at the same time. I was sure that they had sensors for that type of thing. Otherwise, people would just pass two-by-two, and no one would pay the high prices for one ticket.

“Yes, I need to get through with my little girl.”

She nodded. “Let me see your ticket.” I showed her and she said, “She goes first and then you. Okay?”

I nodded thinking that as long as I didn’t let go of her hand then we would be fine. We both walked through the gate. Step one. I still had step two to go, getting through the crowd on to the Tube. Going two stops and then getting out of the station; it didn’t sound like much. People did this every single day. It felt as if I had been here for days. I wanted to turn back, but there was no chance. Waiting for a taxi, being a few more minutes late, then again getting on the flipping bus felt like a better solution. I held on to her hand, I had to go through a tunnel, while all the time making sure that she was by my side. People pushed. Shoved. I nearly tripped again in my damn heels. Down some steps, through the tunnel, we even passed a busker, and that was when Barbara tugged my hand.

“Mummy, I want to watch.”

I shook my head. “Darling, we need to get you to school.” She sighed and then I looked at my watch, there was exactly twenty minutes until school started, so we just had to keep moving. As we reached the platform, I let out a sigh of relief. I decided that maybe this journey was not one that I wanted to do on a regular basis. Maybe taking the bicycle would be a better option. I’d bought one where she could sit at the back, but I didn’t think that it was comfortable, seeing as she was a lot older now. She was tall for her age, slender like her dad, but with her long legs I didn’t think that she would be able to sit at the back. I would give it a try, maybe tonight after I picked her from school with a car. Even if it wasn’t my car, because the garage said that when I got home I should call and they would tow mine and give me a courtesy car. I started to panic as the crowd began to push us even more. Her backpack dropped from my back to the side of my arm, but I wasn’t letting go of her hand.

I just needed to get out of here. I looked at the board, and it only had the destinations written on it. That was no help!

The platform was for trains on the Circle and the District line.

“Excuse me. Excuse me.” At first I was polite then I didn’t care as I got more anxious. I moved through the crowd, but people stood like statues as they took their place on the platform. There was a familiarity about it for them, but I felt like a foreigner in an unknown land. I could see names of destinations that I had been to by car, but had no idea what they meant on the dashboard. Did it mean that the next Tube that was coming in two minutes was mine or not?

I started to panic once again as I thought about taking my phone out, but there was no room for that. And it would mean letting go of her hand. I just needed a map. I spotted one and headed towards it, all the time pushing the crowd. They could see I was coming, why didn’t they move?

A guy was comfortable standing in front of it groping his girlfriend. I assumed that this spot was their daily stance every morning. I was tempted to tell them that there were bedrooms for that sort of behavior, but I would sound like my mother-in-law, Elizabeth. Always complaining about something.

I shouted, “Excuse me,” just so that I could see the map, which led me to become even more confused. I traced my finger along the map. “The board says that the Tube coming is at Kings Cross. Which meant that it could go in either direction. Which one was it? Did it go by Kensington or not?”

My head darted from the map to the board, from the board to the map, until, I read the small print underneath it, which read, ‘Via Paddington.' Great, I just needed to find Paddington. The commotion. The people were rushing towards the Tube. I let go of Barbara’s hand for a split second as I put the backpack up on my back and focused once more. I traced my finger along the Circle line until it found Paddington.

"I found it!" I felt as if I had won the lottery or something. Then I grabbed her hand as I saw her hat by my legs, feeling safe knowing that she hadn’t moved from her spot. We turned and boarded the Tube, or rather tried to squeeze in as the crowd stood by the doors. Stupid people! Why didn’t they move down? They all stood near the doors as if they were the only ones that mattered. I made sure that her little legs were safely on board the train, as there was a slight gap between the platform and the Tube. I tried to catch my breath. The alarm sounded and the ‘Doors Closing’ announcement repeated a few times. I let out the breath that I had been holding in for that split second.

I wanted to bend down, tell her that everything was all right, but I was too busy trying to find something to grab onto before the Tube left the platform.

It started to leave and my mind wandered to the commuters that were sitting down. The woman with the glasses struggling to read her book, which bounced from side-to-side, the man sitting next to her was too busy playing on his phone, or maybe he was watching porn. The damn thing was so close to his face, it was clear that he didn't want anyone to see what he was looking at.

Pervert!

Then my head turned to the man in his suit next to me, who was rather overweight and struggling to use me as leverage to stay near the pole. I moved slightly, I was bearing my weight in these heels and Barbara was holding on to me for dear life. I should have paid attention to her, but I wasn’t used to crowds and being surrounded by so many people. I couldn’t help but get lost with my imagination. I wondered where they were going and if they were all going to work or, like the couple by the map, maybe cheating on their partner just like my husband, Ted.

I looked up and realized that we were at our destination, so I held on to Barbara’s hand. The crowd tried to force us to stay on the Tube, but I wasn’t giving in without a fight as I pushed past. This time I was tugging her hand, as the same commuter who’d tried to use me as an additional pole on the Tube, put his hand on my back to leave the Tube.

“Oi!”

This seemed to be the only word that people down here understood. He ignored me and I was glad to be leaving the Tube safely as we became one with the swarm.

Her hat was still by my legs, and I knew that she was safely in my hand. I had only let go of her hand three, or maybe four times, but either way, her hat was still firmly on her head, and we were going to get out of here.

We just had to get out of the station, the crowd were making me nauseated. Then, the majority of them moved in a different direction as we got to the stairs. I looked down and, still watching the straw hat, I saw her little legs seem to skip as we made our way upstairs. She was walking slower; I assumed that she was exhausted, hot and sweaty just like me. So, I went a slower pace, worried more about her safety and less about getting her to school on time.

There were only five minutes until school was due to start. Bloody Google Maps and their analysis of how long it took to get to one destination from another. They didn’t count in the traffic of people. I suppose with cars it was a lot easier; individuals and walking in and out of tunnels was more complicated.

I realized that nothing made sense, nothing at all. I had no choice I had to call Ted. Tell him that I’d lost Barbara and pray to God that he’d come back from wherever he was and get to work and find her. He had to put her first and put his cock last for once in his life.