Chapter 38

Slipping back into my regular life was easy; I went to the hospital, came back home, had a pitiful dinner by myself, and spent the rest of my night in bed watching the most tragic movies so I could cry as much as I wanted.

Life felt bleak.

It was a week since I got back to Goodspring and I’d avoided everyone like a plague in that time. I was embarrassed by what happened with my father and so I kept to myself. No one asked me about it or Xander but I noticed the pitiful glances they threw my way when they thought I wasn’t looking and the hushed whispers that weren’t so hushed.

No one asked me anything, they left me to myself and it made things easier because I could wallow in sadness on my own.

I twisted the key, unlocked my door, and stepped inside my house, its warmth enveloping me as usual. I flung my bag on the couch, dropped the mac and cheese I got into the microwave, and headed into the shower.

I settled down with my dinner and scrolled through my television absentmindedly; it was hard to ignore the void in my heart, the emptiness that filled it up. Xander had been replaced in the hospital and I walked through the halls not daring to look at the office he used to occupy.

The thoughts of Donovan remained constant in my mind now that I knew I wasn’t so hidden in Goodspring but I felt somewhat safer here knowing the mayor had kicked my father out and the police had given him a stern warning. I didn’t know how long it was going to take them to return but for now, I was waiting to see what would happen next.

A loud knock on my door jolted me out of my thoughts and I glanced tiredly at my door. The knock continued until Harper’s voice echoed.

“I know you are in there, Kathleen. Open up because I’m not going anywhere.” She yelled.

I sighed and dragged myself from the couch. Avoiding everyone had included Harper but that had been hard and I could tell tonight she was fed up.

I opened her door and faced Harper, her fist mid-air.

She smiled brightly at me. “There you are,” she shoved past me and went inside.

“I brought food,” she said, lifting the bags that filled her hand.

I sighed and shut the door. “You didn’t have to. I just ate.”

Harper scrunched her nose at the meal I’d barely touched. “That doesn’t look good,”

“Well, luckily for you, you have me. I brought chicken noodle soup to help you feel better, vegetable stir-fry pasta for dinner, and an actual dinner this time,” she threw my cold, hard Mac and cheese a disdainful look as she dropped the food packed in separate Tupperware on my kitchen counter.

“Baked potatoes, meatballs, and these chocolate chip cookies I baked from scratch just for you, and…” she turned to look at me gleefully, two bottles clutched in her hand. “Stolen vintage wine from Williams’ collection.”

I felt my heart stop, tears stinging my eyes at the thoughtfulness. “Oh, Harper, you didn’t have to.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course I had to, you’ve been depressed and now the whole town is bleak because of your mood.” She chuckled and gave me a side hug. “I’m here for you, I just want you to know that, okay?”

I nodded, a tear falling down my face. She scoffed at me, grabbed a set of plates, and dished our meal while I opened the bottle and poured our drink.

We settled down and crossed our legs in front of us to eat dinner. The cookies turned out great, a little too sweet but it was just what I needed.

“Do you want to talk about him?” Harper asked quietly after a while.

I thought about it before shrugging. “There really isn’t much to talk about, is there? We had our relationship, it ended, that’s it.”

“And how do you feel?” Her tone was soft, and understanding.

“I mean, I feel bad but I did know it was going to end at some point, right? It’s not like I was foolish enough to think anything would come off it…”

She watched me, her eyes softening.

“But I miss him, Harper,” my voice cracked. “I miss him so much, my heart aches. I dream of him every night and I wake up with the knowledge that I will never see him again, with the knowledge that the next time I see him, it will likely be his wedding videos all over the tabloid and I will have to live with that.”

“Oh, Kathleen,” Harper sympathized, pulling me into her.

“I hurt him so much, Harper. I hurt him with my words. I told him he shouldn’t feel indebted to me and I told him he shouldn’t ask me to stay because I didn’t want to anymore and that I was done with him and done with us. He was hurt, I saw the pain in his eyes at my words.” I was fully sobbing at this point and Harper held me in her hands and let me.

“You did what you had to, Kathleen. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

I shook my head. “Then why do I miss him so much?” I shouldn’t be feeling this pain, it’s not like I had any feelings for him. I don’t, right?”

Her silence confirmed it.

“Oh, God, Harper, what did I get myself into? I should’ve listened to you. You told me not to get attached to him and I thought it was possible not to.” I let out a bitter laugh. “Why did I think I would walk away unscathed? Why does it hurt so much then? Why does it hurt this much?”

Harper held me, rubbing her hand on my back until I’d quieted down finally.

I took in a breath. “Let’s not talk about it again, please? It hurts to even say his name.”

Harper, nodded, her eyes glinting. “Let’s get drunk and forget all about Xander Blackwood then!.”

With that, she popped open another bottle and we took to drinking. Sometime through it, I staggered to my refrigerator and grabbed some more bottles of beer and we both gulped it down, laughing over the silliest of things that weren't even funny.

“I have an idea,” I slurred, while Harper lay down next to me, murmuring incoherently to herself.

She turned to me, her face flushed, her eyes droopy. “What is it?”

“I’m going to text Xander,” I said cheerily.

“No, no, no,” Harper said, pointing a shaky finger at me. “That doesn’t seem like a good idea.”

“Why not?” I asked, resting my chin under my jaw.

“I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem like something you should do.”

I grabbed my phone and turned it on, the bright lights momentarily blinding me.

“Well, if you are going to text him, you might as well as…” Harper leaned into me. “Tell him I said he’s an asshole for breaking my best friend’s heart.”

I chuckled, as my shaky fingers moved across the keyboard. It took me long minutes to figure out the words through my hazy eyes until I finally managed to combine the words together to form what I believed to be a coherent sentence and finally I hit the send button.

“Done!” I announced, laughing.

“What did you text? Let me see.” Harper asked.

I shook my head and hid the phone from her, laughing as she struggled to get it from me. We eventually got tired, fell to the floor, and finally slept off.