Chapter 454 Chapter 454
Noah slammed the truck into park and hopped out of it. He hadn’t meant to be gone this long but had gotten lost in working. The familiar rhythm of the shop had been what he needed to settle down. He was halfway to the door when he saw the lights were on in the little house. He hadn’t even realized the power was hooked up for it.
Going over, he opened the door and then blinked. The carpet was gone, and the place smelled of a lot of different cleaners. “Hello?” He waited. No one answered. Looking beside the door, he found the switch and turned it off. Had they run out of areas of the main house to clean? He didn’t think that would ever be possible, not with all the kids.
He took one step inside and then stopped and looked down at his boots. He cringed, too many months in the bunkhouse. Bending down, he took them off and then looked for a space on the mats beside the door. So many shoes in many sizes were lined up on them. Seeing them all together reminded him how many were living here. Shifting a few pairs of small child-sized shoes, he set his on the matt and then looked down at them. It was an odd thing to see his boots sitting beside such small ones. It was something he’d never thought he’d experience again—living with children. These ones though, he was going to make sure they were allowed to be children and not timid shadows of children.
Shaking his head, he scowled at the floor and headed down the hall. What did he know about children? Nothing. He paused when he heard voices. Someone was in the kitchen. Going around the corner, he saw Emersyn and Julian sitting at the end of the long table, their heads close together, talking softly.
Emersyn sat up and looked at him. Her hair was wet and smoothed back from her face.
Julian turned in the chair and it was the only explanation he needed when he saw the pained expression on his face. Nightmares had woken him. Noah knew the symptoms that went along with that. Without a word, he went over to the fridge and opened it. The sandwiches Kelsey had brought him in the shop he’d burned off hours ago.
He felt her come up beside him and turned to look at her.
“I can make you something if you’re hungry.” She whispered. She gave him a steady look, and then glanced at Julian briefly.
Noah looked to see he was leaning over the table, his head in his hands. He turned back to her, and she nodded at him. She wanted him to go speak with the boy. He started to object and then ended up nodding. He knew about nightmares, but it’s not like he could give him the secret to ending them. They never ended. Blowing out a breath, he released the fridge door and moved over to the chair she’d been sitting in.
When he sat down, Julian lifted his head and looked at him. Noah could see the pain reflected in his eyes. He lived with that pain every day, asleep and awake. “Some nights are bad.” He said softly.
Julian nodded, “I thought now that we’re here it would get better.” He scrunched up his face, “but it’s like when I know it’s okay to relax it’s worse.”
Noah rubbed the back of his neck; the ever-present knots were bad tonight. “I won’t lie to you, there is no secret to making them go away.” He shrugged one shoulder, “you just have to remember that you got through it, and it will never happen again.” He leaned on the table, closer to him, “I won’t let it happen again.”
“My whole family is gone.” Julian’s voice cracked with emotion, “and I’m not.”
Noah inhaled through his nose slowly, trying to keep his cat calm. He didn’t handle others’ emotions well. He barely dealt with his own most times. “I know.” He finally said. He tried to remember his age but wasn’t entirely sure. “I was taken when I was six by the people that Lindon worked for.” Would telling him make a difference? He didn’t usually share. “I was there for fifteen years,” Julian’s eyebrows went up, “every moment I spent there haunts me, awake or asleep,” he lifted one shoulder and let it drop, “when I can sleep.”
“But you seem okay.”
Noah snorted softly, “not really.” He glanced over to see Emersyn look at him, understanding in her eyes, he looked back to the young body in front of him, “I just have to keep trying, one day at a time.” He exhaled, “some days are bad,” he glanced down at his dirty hands, “really bad, but,” he looked up and held the look in Julian’s young eyes, “everyone around me helps. It may not look like it, but I see the guys at the shop, each with their own story,” that he still didn’t know really, “and now there’s everyone here,” he watched Emersyn turn around and lean back against the counter and look at him, “we’re all survivors and will continue to be.”
Julian sat there, his expression changing for a few seconds as he processed it. Noah’s chest felt tight to see the doubt and pain on his face. “Can I go with you tomorrow?” He blurted out, “when you go to work?”
Noah couldn’t mask the surprise on his face, “uh, sure.” He grimaced, “it’s not very exciting right now, we’re doing maintenance and painting,” he held up his hand to show the yellow paint on it.
“That’s okay, I just,” Julian looked around, “I’m not used to being inside so much.”
Noah nodded slowly, “we can find something for you to help with.” He smirked, “Kelsey is a great teacher when it comes to operating the rigs.”
“Kelsey? But she’s a...”
He stopped when Noah raised an eyebrow at him, “don’t ever say anything like that in front of her or Beth,” he frowned, “or Kobie,” he grinned, “just strike that whole belief right from your head,” he lifted his arms to motion around them, “here everyone is equal.” Noah watched the conflict on the young man’s face, “got it.”
Julian blew out a breath and then tapped the side of his head, “it’s so hard to get his voice out of my head.”
He didn’t need to ask whose voice he meant. Lindon had left a wake of damage behind him. “Well, if you’re ever unsure, just ask, okay?”
Julian nodded and then leaned back in the chair. “I’m going to try to sleep again.” He pushed his chair back. “Thanks, Noah.” when he stood up, he turned around to look at Emersyn and nodded to her.
She came over and set a plate on the table in front of him and then sat down.
Noah looked to see there were biscuits and cheese on the plate.
“It’s better than one of those bars.” She scrunched up her nose.
Noah grinned, “Yeah, not my favorite either.”
“You helped,” she looked in the direction Julian had gone, “when he came out, he was in tears and sweating.” she gave him a soft look, “well, you know.”
Noah nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, I guess we both do.”
“I feel guilt more than anything most times.” She confessed.
Noah opened one of the biscuits and busied himself by putting the cheese in it. Talking about this with her was going to bring out things he wasn’t sure he could contain.
“Aspyn,” she said in a breathless whisper, “I wouldn’t have her.” He glanced briefly to see the pain on her face, “I wake up soaked in sweat, screaming in my head because of,” she clasped her hands on the table and squeezed them together, “everything, but then I look at her and think if I hadn’t gone through that, she wouldn’t exist, and that,” she cleared her throat softly, “is worse.”
When he heard her exhale a shaky breath, he looked at her completely. Not knowing what else to do, he reached over and put his hand over hers and held them. He had no words for her. How could he tell a mother anything that would make it better? He couldn’t. There were no words he could say to express how it haunted him, what she’d been through that wouldn’t have made it sound like he regretted her having her child. He clenched his teeth together and held her look.
“You know it’s not your fault, what happened,” her emotional look changed into something serious, “you are not responsible for them taking me or anything that happened after that.”
Noah swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. Those were words he’d never say out loud. He knew she was right, that part wasn’t on him, but there were so many he hadn’t helped. There was too much suffering that he could have stopped and didn’t.
Shifting their hands, she put one of hers over his. “I should get to bed before Aspyn wakes and finds me missing.” She stood up and then leaned down and placed her lips against his cheek. “You’re a good man, Noah.”
He watched her walk away. Lifting his hand, he touched where her lips had. He blinked and realized tears were filling his eyes. Wiping them away, he looked down at the plate but didn’t really see it. He wasn’t a good man. He chuffed out loud and shoved the plate away. He was a shell walking around in a body, that was it. His every moment was filled with more emotions than he could process, to the point it probably appeared he was void of all feeling. Standing up, he turned to leave and then looked down at the plate and sneered at it. If he didn’t eat now, his cat would be too hard to contain. Grabbing the food off the plate in his hand, he spun around and headed for his room. Good man. It was ridiculous.