We need to speak
BLAIR’S POV
As I waited for Felix to arrive, I smoked to calm down my nerves. I was alone in my room, hiding my feelings from my flat mates. When they saw me walk through the door with a gloomy face, I made up a stupid lie to cover up what had really happened. I asked them to give me some space and that tomorrow I'd feel better. Wasn't entirely sure if that would be the case.
Felix' outburst at the studio was completely uncalled for. As he confronted Gary about how he wasn't giving me proper work, instead of feeling validated and like I had someone on my side, I felt embarrassed. I knew Felix was protective over me, but I never imagined he'd do something like this.
What hurt me the most was that his behavior would be a little bit more understandable if we were in a committed relationship, if our relationship wasn't a secret. But we weren't, and he hadn't suggested otherwise.
We set rules precisely to avoid ambiguity and to make things clear, yet here we were, more confused than ever.
When he arrived, texting me to let me know, I took some deep breaths. I was so fucking mad at him I saw red.
Before walking outside, making sure my flat mates didn't hear me leave, I grabbed a cardigan. That night was the coldest so far since the beginning of the school year.
He was parked a few feet away from my apartment building. As I approached the car, the anger that I was feeling slowly morphed into disappointment and sadness. I pushed those feelings down, not wanting to show weakness.
I opened the car door and slid inside, slamming the door shut. I didn't greet him or look at him. I kept my eyes straight ahead, my arms folded, knees bent towards the exit.
The tension in the air was palpable. Neither of us spoke initially, I because I was proud, him because he was probably at a loss for words.
"Thank you for seeing me." He cut through the thick atmosphere in the quietest of voices, testing the waters. "As I drove here I had time to reflect and now I see that I was wrong to react that way. I'm sorry if I put you in a tough spot, it wasn't my intention."
I bit the inside of my cheek, still not saying anything.
"I just... I lost it." He placed his hands on the steering wheel. "I know how much you want to work in the art industry and it made me mad to see one of my closest friends treat you like that. He should have known better.
That being said, I could have approached the issue in a much more... contained way."
I kept silent.
He sighed. "Blair, I noticed something, and I want you to confirm if it's true. I don't think you ran away from my apartment that day I sketched you because of the sketch itself. I think you ran away because I told you you were handsome. I saw the same look on your face today at Kent's studio." He paused, taking a deep breath. "It seems like you don't believe in yourself. You don't believe that you're handsome, which you are, you don't believe that you should stand up for yourself, which you should. Why didn't you speak to Kent? Why didn't you share your ideas? At the very least make a sarcastic comment you so often do with me. Why Blair?"
As he spoke, daggers stabbed my heart. I felt small, so very small. He was pointing out my insecurities with such accuracy that his words almost caused me to have painful flashbacks of incidents from the past. Instead, hot tears fell down my face soundlessly.
"Why do you care?" I managed to ask without sobbing. My voice however, was laced in pain. When Felix noticed this, he placed his hand on my kneecap, lightly squeezing it.
"Why do I care?" He asked rhetorically, his voice soft, unthreatening. "As if you don't know why."
"No, I don't know why." I said, raising my voice for the first time. "I don't understand, Felix. I don't understand us, I don't understand this. I don't get why you're interested in me or why you care or why you want to know about my life."
He let me speak uninterrupted, my emotions coming out freely. He waited until I was silent before speaking again, his hand never leaving my knee.
"This is why we needed to talk in person." He said, his other hand running through his hair. "This argument goes much deeper than what happened at Kent's, doesn't it?"
I didn't answer. I folded my arms tighter, trying to become smaller and recoil into my seat.
"Blair, look at me." Felix reached for my hands. At first I rejected his touch, but he was so calm and collected that I relaxed when he touched me. I uncrossed my arms and turned my head towards him, revealing my tear-smeared face, my eyes looking down.
"We knew this was gonna be complicated." He said with a sigh. "This, us... It's all very confusing, I know. Believe me, I have been confused many times as well, but what I do know is that I care about you, a lot."
Silence again. He was probably waiting for me to say something, but I knew the second I tried to speak, my tears would flow uncontrollably, so I stayed quiet.
"I never brought up the subject because I was afraid you'd interpret it the wrong way. The truth is... We can't be in a normal relationship, we just can't, not right now." His words made my heart hammer painfully in my chest. It felt like I was being rejected.
He lifted my chin so I'd look at him. His eyes were sincere and sad.
"What we can do is... Adapt our relationship to our situation, define it according to our circumstances."
I tried looking away and escape the intensity of his gaze, but he pulled me right back. "Blair, don't look away. Listen to me. I want you to get this very clear in your head, alright? I haven't been seeing anyone other than you. I haven't been texting, speaking, or even thinking about other men or women. As long as I'm with you and we're seeing each other, I won't be doing any of that." His words lingered in the air, the tension between us increasing.