Chapter 47: XXI. New Normal-2

"Shea, you've got to give me some time to get my head around this, okay?" He swallowed loudly and nodded, before turning to me. "I just want you to know that I'm not a monster, Sara," he said, his eyes filled with vulnerability. It's not the same for humans, I repeated in my head. He must be so afraid right now. And that didn't sit right with me. "I know you're not, Shea," I assured him. I undid my seatbelt and leaned over, settling a soft kiss on his cheek. I heard him suck in a breath. "I am so grateful for what you showed me, for what you shared with me." I leaned back and said, "Just let me figure this out with my mom, and I will see you at school on Monday." I had started off today feeling frightened of Shea, and unsure of what the hell he could do. But just by the look in his eyes, I could feel the intensity of his feelings for me. Shea wanted to love me. Just as my dad had wanted to love my mom. And she had shattered his heart because of her fear. I knew I wasn't in love with Shea yet, but I knew that I could never do to him what my mom had done to my dad. I was in possession of Shea's heart, quite literally. I knew I would forgive him a lot quicker than in the time it would take to forgive my mom. I climbed out of Shea's car and I made my way back inside, pausing to take a deep breath before I went through the front door. My heart was hammering. Shea, who was still parked outside my house, could no doubt hear it. As soon as I crossed the threshold, I was hit with the scents of lemon and bleach. Mom had been cleaning. In the short time that we had lived here, I had never seen it look so tidy. Everything was straightened, and even the cushions on the sofa had the professional cuts in them to make them look staged. She must have been going crazy. I left my purse by the door as I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. For the first time, ever really, I saw my mother look less than perfect. Her clothes were grimy. Her hair was messy. She was wearing no makeup, or, it had smeared off while she had been busy about the house. Her look was complete with rubber gloves and a bottle of industrial strength cleaner. "Sara!" she said with relief when she saw me. Upon closer inspection, I could see that her makeup had come off through crying. Her mascara had run, and she had wiped it away with her hands, leaving a greyish black cast on her cheeks. She quickly abandoned the cleaning agent on our coffee table and peeled off her rubber gloves. Sniffing, she said, "I thought I had better give this house a proper clean as we haven't been too concerned about keeping up with it." Mom was a wreck, and all I wanted to do was hug her. Damn it. I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly. I had barely even touched her since we had fought about Shea, and it felt momentarily good to have some semblance of normalcy. Mom cried. I think this was what we were doing now. Crying a lot. She hugged me hard, stroking my hair. "You smell toxic," I muttered into her shoulder. She laughed through her tears. "I love you, Mom. But I'm still so mad at you," I added. Mom pulled away and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She nodded. "I know, I understand, Sara." "I don't think you do," I replied. "I understand where you were coming from. You were trying to protect me. I get that. But in doing that, you took my father away from me. You took me, and you, away from Dad. He loved us. He wanted us. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, you never told me a thing about him! You let me believe that he was little more than a sperm donor. Someone we didn't need to bother mentioning. And the only thing that I knew about him was a lie. He didn't die when I was two. He died shortly after I was born!" I didn't mean to become so exasperated, but I couldn't help it. Mom put her hands up defensively. "I know, I messed up, Sara. I'm not perfect, and I never claimed to be." Tears welled up in her eyes. "I know I lied. I took you away to protect you. But I lied to protect me." She ran her fingers through her hair as she tried to stay calm. "Talking about your daddy today has brought it all back to the surface. I grieved. I grieved hard. There were days when I could barely pull myself out of bed, but I knew I had to because I had a baby who needed me! I loved that man with everything that I had, and …" her voice cracked as she put a finger under her nose, her lower lip wobbling, "and I put my grief and memories, both good and bad, and my love for him in a box a long time ago. I locked it up tight to protect myself, so that I could be the best mother I could be. "When I left Providence, when I left Ronan, some part of me didn't think it would be for good. I didn't know I would never see my husband again. I didn't know my baby would never know her father. And when I got that news," Mom trembled, "I felt like I had died, too. So, no, I couldn't tell you about your daddy, because I wasn't strong enough to re-live it over and over again. And I know that it's terribly selfish of me, Sara, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, honey." I saw a different side to my mom right in that moment. It was like she had become a widow in the space of a few moments. She suddenly reminded me of Shea's mom. But my mom never needed me to take care of her. At least, not in the dependent way. She had pulled herself together, masked her pain, and had gotten on with our lives. She had masked it so well, that I never knew she felt anything sad at all. "I chose paediatric oncology because I wanted to protect the children of other frightened mothers and fathers, parents just like me. In my mind, and in reality, I had made you safe, and I wanted to help others do the same thing." Oh my God. Now I felt like a terrible person for holding a grudge. Was this something that I just needed to get over? Everything logical inside me was telling me no, but I knew that this situation wasn't logical. That went out the window the minute I found out mythical creatures were real. My mom was human, in every sense of the word. She made mistakes. She wasn't perfect. And she protected herself, which was the natural human instinct. But she also raised me by herself, while dealing with unimaginable grief. I was proud of her, even if I didn't agree with her on every decision she had made for us. I thought, like Mom, this was going to have to be something that I dealt with on my own. I couldn't ask her to bring up any more painful memories, as that would just be punishing her. What was done was done, and nothing, no amount of arguing or apology, was going to change that. I hugged her again, this time in a nurturing, soft manner. She received it whole-heartedly, crying into my shoulder. "I love you, Mom," I whispered. "Oh, I love you more, sweet girl," she replied with emotional conviction. I hadn't forgiven her, but I couldn't punish her. This would be my burden. ---- I'll let you know what part that is when I upload it ;) I'm pretty sure it's 2 chapters away I think. Let me check. *quickly flips back over to the word document and scrolls* OH NO I was wrong, it's the next chapter!! So you'll see that tomorrow. When I wrote it, I was really trying to …. hmm, no, I won't give spoilers hehehe. But anyway, it is my favourite chapter of the book hehe. I'll be super offended if you don't like it ;) hahaha