Chapter 7: FAMILY

Sun rays streaked across gray clouds, creating a beautiful display of orange and yellow in the sky.

Lily watched as the sun rose, announcing the beginning of a new day. Her fingers tightened its hold around her coffee mug as she looked outside the kitchen window, her eyes trained on the man who worked alone in the dark, creating more ridges on the farmland.

It had been several weeks since she had a decent conversation with Raymond. He barely came into the building, never shared meals with his family, slept in the barn, and practically avoided her. She found her stay in the McAllister household to be boring, and her nights lonely. Of course, there were more than enough household chores to be done; the spiders never tired of spreading their webs in every room, there was an abundance of dust to clean out and floors to scrub, there was a never decreasing pile of laundry to do, meals to be cooked and clothes to be mended.

Still, Lily craved companionship, one that went beyond a needy four-year-old, or the coldness of five other children who seemed adamant about their decision to keep their distance. While Leonard, the youngest of the other five, was opening up a little—even if his relationship with Lily had everything to do with his desire for extra meals—the others were as withdrawn and cold as the day she arrived the farm, and considering the fact that she arrived on the farm a month ago, she was running out of ideas to gain their trust.

Lily knew that the children’s resistance to her had everything to do with their withdrawn father. What sort of husband ignored his wife? She sighed, placing her cup on the sink. Didn’t Raymond consider her his wife? She wasn’t certain of what to make of his neglect. Perhaps she didn’t expect him to fall in love with her immediately, especially considering the circumstances of their marriage, but she expected a brief show of care. She expected something to show that while they were not in love yet, it would come if they worked on it by spending time together. But the longer Lily stayed, the more convinced she was that her presence on the farm had done nothing but push Raymond away from her. And not only from her, but from his children. He had given himself over to hard work as she had practically threatened him into it—and hard work had become his welcomed excuse for an escape from his family.

As the minutes went by, light quickly displaced the darkness, giving her a clearer view of Raymond. It wasn’t difficult to notice the changes that had taken place since her arrival, the fullness of his body, the firmness of his muscles, and the richness of his skin. Even his hair seemed to be more alive and lusher than it had been in the past. It wasn’t hard to see how handsome he was.

A frown creased her face as she folded her arms across her chest. It felt like she was fighting an already lost cause—a man who wouldn’t look at her enough to desire her the way a husband was required to desire his wife, and children who wouldn’t even let her in. True, by all indications, Raymond had been married once, and trying to take the place of his wife wouldn’t be easy. But she was, she was his wife! She wasn’t trying to take anybody’s place; it was given to her by law!

Would they ever consummate their marriage?

A cold shiver ran down her spine at the thought of it. She had tried—for several weeks since she left New York and answered the ad, for several weeks since she traveled in a coach to Texas—to imagine what it would be like, to be someone’s wife. She imagined, hoped even, for the love they would share. She thought of nights spent in his arms, trapped in his warmth with her ears pressed to his chest as she listened to his heartbeat. She knew falling in love wouldn’t happen immediately, but she had been hoping it would. But one month on the McAllister farm told her it wouldn’t.

She turned her attention to the dough she had kneaded earlier and had set on the table, waiting for it to rise. It needed a few more minutes, she thought, turning from the window and to the door; it was time to have a conversation with Raymond.

The second her feet touched the soil outside, the chilly morning air washed over her body, causing her to wrap her arms around herself as she continued to make her way toward Raymond. He worked in the distance, oblivious to her presence as she approached.

She could make out the white, buttoned down shirt he wore and the tears that plagued both sleeves and chest area of the shirt. Mud stains covered most of the shirt, but a month on the farm had taught Lily to identify white, even if that white had lost its glory and been reduced to nothing but dirt.

She nibbled on her lip as she drew near, suddenly feeling nervous. There were many ways this conversation could go, but she only wanted it to go one way, and that was the peaceful way.

Her parents had lived in peace. For thirty years, they had lived as man and wife, and she had seen firsthand what love was supposed to be. Marrying for love had always been her desire, but when she was forced to give up everything and to travel to be a wife to a complete stranger, she had decided that she wouldn’t give up on love. She might not have had the chance to get married to the man she loved, but she was hoping to fall in love with the man she married...

Raymond raised his eyes to her in the same second the thought went through her mind, and their eyes locked. It almost seemed like he had been listening in on her thoughts, and for a brief second, her heart skipped as heat flooded onto her face. She immediately glanced down, embarrassed.

Silence followed, Lily’s gaze still planted on her feet. It had been several weeks since they spoke—since she even heard his voice.

“Good morning, Miss Austin.” His voice sounded sober and Lily’s eyes darted to his dusty, worn-out boots.

“Hello, Raymond,” she murmured, mustering the courage to raise her gaze back to him. He watched her, green eyes masking his thoughts. Clearing her throat, she straightened. “I was hoping you would have breakfast with us this morning.” It hadn’t been what she had meant to say. She had come outside to complain about his neglect and utter disrespect—but inviting him to breakfast seemed like the right way of calling for a ceasefire. “I will see you in two hours,” she announced, neglecting to wait for his response. The look on his face made her feel nervous he would reject her offer.

Turning around to walk away, she decided she would not give him the opportunity to reject her offer...

Neither was she going to give him the chance to reject her as his wife.

***

Raymond had breakfast with his family.

At first, he thought she had approached him only to scold him for avoiding her, but he surprised, pleasantly surprised, when she asked him to have breakfast with them.

He spent time during breakfast observing his children. It had only been a month, but there were noticeable differences in each child. There were weight gains, clean hands, properly cut hair and mended clothes. The house was clean, and for breakfast, there was a centerpiece of wild flowers seated in a jar full of water.

After breakfast, Lily had casually invited him for lunch... It had been less of an invitation and more of a statement, a casual statement. He had grunted his acceptance and had stumbled out of the back door, and had spent an hour in the barn feeding the animals—two horses, two chickens and a cow—before heading back to work on the farm where he had been tilling the soil to make room for the potatoes he planned on planting.

After several hours of working that afternoon, Raymond raised his gaze to find Lily working in her vegetable garden. She was on her knees with Millie, working hard to keep the weeds away and to water the plants.

Like a mother and her child...

Raymond shook his head, furious at how he would let the thought even cross his mind. Lily wasn’t Millie’s mother, not in the sense that his mind wanted Lily to be. She was perhaps Millie’s mother in the sense of being her caretaker, but not Millie’s mother in the sense of taking the place of his dead wife! Not in the sense of being his wife for real.

He had been so disturbed by his thought earlier he contemplated turning down her invitation to lunch. Perhaps it had been an innocent thought, but he feared his mind’s ability to force his heart into accepting Lily. He couldn’t love her! He didn’t want that! He could not let that happen. Avoiding her was best. Spending weeks away from her had strengthened his resolve not to consummate their marriage, and to live as friendly strangers.

Friendly...

It occurred to him that not showing up for lunch would pass off the wrong message. He needed to be friendly enough to keep her on the farm, while simultaneously providing his children with the required care.

He washed his hands and made his way back into the building. By the time he entered, Lily was the only one who stood by the stove. She motioned for him to sit, but he shook his head, choosing to help her set the table instead. They worked together in silence, like two workers forced by life and circumstances, to set the meal on the table.

Lunch came and went, and with it, came another invitation to dinner.

The day went by like a blur and so did dinner. When Raymond rose to his feet to head out to the barn, Lily placed a stilling hand on his arm.

“I shall have a word with you, Ray,” she murmured, before lifting Millie’s sleeping form into her arms and carrying her up the stairs.

Raymond sat still in the quiet room, his mind trying to come up with possibilities of how the conversation might go. What would Lily want to talk about?

He waited anxiously, releasing a nervous breath as he watched her make her way back down the stairs. She reached where he sat at the table and took the seat next to him, forcing him to realize her closeness.

“I—” she began, pausing. “I wanted to request that you not sleep in the barn tonight,” she said, her hands trembling slightly, where they sat on the table.

Slowly, he turned his attention from her trembling hands to her clear blue eyes, a frown creasing his face as he searched her eyes. Was she asking for...? He didn’t know what to think, other than that he should have known this day would come. He had avoided her for an entire month, of course, she’d demand intimacy at some point!

“Ray.” She touched his hand, as if sensing his hesitation.

Instinctively, Raymond withdrew his hand, shaking his head.

Hurt flashed through Lily’s eyes, and she released a soft breath. “I’m not…” Her voice drifted away, her eyes falling to the table. “I’m not asking for love,” she whispered softly. “I’m just saying that it’s only proper to act married. You’re sleeping in the barn, eating in the barn and completely neglecting your family…” She sighed. “Perhaps the only way to come together as a family would be to live as man and wife. We could all be a family…”

“You’re not a part of this family!” The words were out of his mouth before he could even stop them.

She jerked upright, her eyelids widening with sadness.

Raymond shook his head, rising to his feet. He hadn’t meant to speak so cruelly to her, but it was too late to take any of his harsh words back. There was no better way to tell her he needed her, but didn’t want her. He couldn’t tell her he didn’t desire her—that he could never desire her like a husband should desire his wife.

He could not tell her he was incapable of loving her, even if he tried.