Chapter 38: Taylor

She looks exquisite. It takes every ounce of my self control to keep my eyes fixed on the bride and groom all day long, and I’m not going to lie, I’ve failed miserably. My eyes seem to slide towards her of their own accord which is irritating as hell.

Thankfully, we are sat at opposite ends of the long top table, so she’s out of my eye line for most of dinner and I get through my best man speech without incident.

Day turns to night and the band starts, signalling the beginning of the evening reception. The entire conservatory is softly lit with fairy and candle light. Then I hear the band make an announcement.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Mr and Mrs Frost to the dancefloor for their first dance.’ Oh hell, I know what comes next, I think to myself as the guests applaud the happy couple, as they make their way onto the dance floor. Alaina and Lucas have been dancing for about a minute, when the front man of the band announces what I’ve been both dreading and looking forward to all day.

‘Could the maid of honour and best man please take to the dance floor?’

I spot her standing on the opposite side of the dance floor and she’s staring right at me, her pale cheeks flushed.

I take a deep, steadying breath as I cross the dance floor, making my way over to her. The soft lighting makes her blonde hair glow like a halo. Her ice blue eyes are framed with thick mascaraed lashes, her lips are full and glossy.

I reach out for her, and she puts her small hand in mine. I pull her gently towards me and wrap one arm around her tiny waist, while her hand reaches up to my shoulder. We start to slowly sway in time to the music, and the guests around us dim into the background, she gazes up at me, and I’m mesmerised. She really is beautiful.

‘Hey,’ she says shyly, and I smile.

‘Hey,’ I reply, and I wait to see what she does next, but she frowns, looking down at the dance floor between us, and goes silent. I know I’ve been an asshole, after spending time with her in the bar all those months ago, I never spoke to her again. I didn’t call, text, nothing! I know she felt the connection between us that night, just like I know my silent rejection in the months that followed must have stung.

I want to be able to tell her that it was nothing to do with her, the distance that I’ve deliberately put between us, but she won’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me, it’ll just sound like that old cliched line, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit that guys spin to women all the time, and she deserves better than that. But the truth is, it is me. Carley deserves prince charming, who will sweep her off her feet and give her everything that she wants.

She’s an amazing woman. She’s kind, affectionate, passionate and beautiful. She deserves more than what I can give her. A few nights of casual sex and then a, see you later. I won’t do that to her. Not to mention, that Lucas and Alaina would murder me if I did.

The dance comes to an end, Carley releases me quickly, like I’ve scalded her and makes a beeline for the exit into the foyer. Shit, I’ve upset her, and all I said was ‘hey’. That’s gotta be a new record for me. I hurry to catch her, calling out her name just as she reaches the foyer.

‘Carley, wait.’

She stops and turns on her heel suddenly, startling me and I come to a screeching halt in front of her.

‘What, Marcus?’ Shit, she’s angry. Her brows are pulled together, her eyes are watery, and her cheeks are flushed.

‘Whoa, slow down. I come in peace,’ I joke lamely, making her glare at me. OK, clearly not the time for jokes.

‘Look, I’m sorry,’ I say sincerely.

‘About what?’ she asks through gritted teeth.

‘I know there was something between us, that night at the bar,’ I start, and she looks at me, waiting for me to continue.

‘Carley, you’re an amazing woman. You’re the kind of woman that most guys would give their right arm, to get so much as a date with. But I’m not that kind of guy, I haven’t had any more than a one-night stand with a woman for years. You have romantic ideals about how your life should pan out,’ she opens her mouth to say something, but I raise my hand to silence her, needing to get this out.

‘I can see it in your eyes, from a mile away, and you should want that, you deserve it. But I’m not the guy that can give you that. Plus, if I hurt you, Lucas and Alaina would murder me.’

She looks at me for a long moment, she doesn’t look angry any more, just lost in thought, contemplating what i've said.

‘I think you sell yourself short,’ she says to me gently, taking a step forward and placing her hand on my cheek. The sensation almost tingles, it’s like electricity.

Her touch feels so good, and I feel myself start to lean into her touch. No, just no. I mentally shake myself and take a step back from her, allowing her hand to fall back by her side.

I look from her hand to her face, full of hurt and confusion and I feel like a dick, but it’s better for both of us this way.

Without another word, she turns and heads towards the ladies’ room without a backward glance at me.

I stand, rooted to the spot for what feels like an eternity, then make my way back into the reception. The party is in full swing and I spot Lucas and Alaina in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by their friends and family. They both look so happy. I head over to the bar and order a double scotch. The service is good, and my drink arrives in double time. I take a large mouthful, letting the amber liquid burn my throat and soothe my nerves.

I let my mind wander back to Carley, the hurt on her face when I dismiss her affection in the foyer just now. I want to find her and kiss her senseless until she’s begging me to take her, but then another image invades my mind, and I shudder at the old memories invade my mind.

I’m transported back to five years previously, when my life felt completely perfect. I was serving as a Marine in Afghanistan, it was the last week of my tour and much as I loved my job, I was so ready to be going home. I had a wife, Sarah and my four-year-old, daughter, Mya waiting for me. We had video chatted regularly during my deployment, but I could see that she was growing so fast, and I didn’t want to miss anymore.

They had reassured me that everything was good at home and they would meet me at base when I got back. It was morning, the last time I spoke with them, they were just getting ready to go drop Mya at Pre-School. I told them both to have a great day, and I would see them both soon. It just goes to show how wrong a guy can be.

I arrive back to base from a patrol with my team and I’m told to report directly to my Commanding Officer. I felt in my gut that something was wrong, my legs felt like lead as I did as I was ordered. I’ll never forget the look on his face as I walk into his office. He can barely meet my eyes; his face is haunted by the news he has to tell me.

Sarah and Mya were involved in a car accident on the way to Pre-School that morning. A drunk driver, twice over the limit, had ran a red light, lost control of his car and ran into them, head on, they both died instantly.

I hand on my shoulder, brings my back to the present with a jolt and but doesn't extinguish the soul crushing grief I feel every time I relive that day. Lucas.

‘You OK?’ he asks, looking concerned.

I swallow hard before answering him, feeling the sweat on my brow and I know I must look like shit.

‘Yeah, I’m good,’ I tell him, quietly, taking another large mouthful of Scotch.

Lucas just looks at me with an eye brow raised. Lucas is the only person I’ve told about Sarah and Mya. He knows exactly where my mind has been.

‘Why tonight? What’s brought this on?’ he asks quietly, as he orders his own drink.

‘Carley,’ I say, and he nods, not needing any further explanation.

‘I can’t go there again, Lucas,’ I tell him firmly. ‘I can’t go through that again.’

‘Jesus fucking Christ, Marcus,’ he says, exasperated and my eyes widen at the sudden change in tone.

‘What happened to your family was horrific, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen to every woman you meet! You’ve gone through enough trauma for two lifetimes, my friend. Why the hell won’t you just let yourself be happy?’ he asks, shaking his head.

I know that he’s right, but losing Sarah and Mya ravaged my heart beyond repair. I don't have anything left of it to offer anyone even if I wanted to, it's better this way.

‘No Lucas, I care about Carley. Too much to lose her,' I state firmly.

Lucas shakes his head, sadly, in defeat. He claps a hand on my shoulder, and moves away to find his new bride.

I won’t do it to her. I can’t be what she needs and deserves. That, and losing her would kill me.