Chapter 89

My eyes pool with tears at his words, and as he gazes into my eyes sympathetically, I know that he must have heard everything. I'm not embarrassed, but I don't know if I'm ready to talk about any of it. What is there even left to talk about? Everything about my life feels like a lie — my mother lying to us this whole time, my father not even being my father, my best friend betraying me because she was sleeping with my ex-boyfriend and selling me out. None of that is okay, but it's not like any of that will ever change.

"I know. I'm here," He leans forward, pressing a soft and gentle kiss to my forehead as I close my eyes, letting out a shaking breath. Asa's hand is still pressed against my bump, trapped between my own hand and the blanket that covers my belly. Gosh, I love him so much. It's like he knows what I need and how badly I need it.

"The baby's okay?" I choke out the words once more, needing a little extra reassurance. The baby is all I care about right now. The baby and Asa. Asa who cracks a sweet smile at me right now, his finger twirling against the two rings on my finger. The first one being the engagement ring he gave me, and the second one being the wedding band he added just a few days ago when we got married.

"Yeah, they said the baby is perfectly fine," Asa informs me with a small nod, and I let my own little smile peak through. A tiny tear escapes from my eyes, but it's not because of anything heavy. I don't want to cry about any of what happened right now. Instead, it's a tear of relief.

A small sigh escapes my lips as I sink back against the head of the bed, which is cushioned with two pillows. I absolutely hate hospitals. We spent so much time here when my mom underwent radiation, followed by chemotherapy, and then again in her last days. The only other time after that when I was in a hospital was when I had a mental breakdown, right before a short trip to rehab.

I want to laugh. Mostly at myself and where my life is right now. I never expected to be that girl. The one with access to all the money she could want, daddy issues, and a stint to rehab. I'm holding back tears for real this time, clutching Asa's hand against my stomach as I shake my head.

"This is insane," I choke out, shaking my head with a fouled smile. I'm usually never like this, but I'm suddenly so overwhelmed and emotional, and I feel like I could blame it on the pregnancy, but I know that's not it. I'm exhausted of all of this crap that's happened, the same shit that keeps happening and tries to bring me down.

"I know. I'm so sorry, Cas. I should have been there today, and I should have known that something was going on," Asa sighs, pressing his forehead against my arm, still caressing my sweet little baby bump. My heart is so full still, and I look down to see him resting against me. His soft brown hair is right there, and I reach out with my free hand, stroking his head full of hair that's slightly tousled now. He's still fully dressed in his suit, and I can only imagine how he felt coming in here. Asa must have been so worried.

"No, it's not your fault. I'm the one who should be sorry. The baby...we could have almost..." I trail off, not wanting to say the words. I shake my head again as he lifts his head to look at me with his hazel eyes. Those freaking eyes that caught my attention the first time I met him almost a year ago. "I'm sorry for worrying you. I should have been more careful, and I shouldn't have barged into Zac's office to confront him. None of this would have happened," I mumble, looking away from his gaze.

This is all my fault, and I feel the emotions rolling through me. How can I be so careless? I shouldn't have even provoked Ethan the way I did. I wanted him to answer my questions, and that only made things worse. God, I feel so stupid. How am I supposed to keep this baby safe and be a good mom when I can't even manage to control my own emotions and reactions?

"Stop that, Cassandra. None of this is your fault. You're being dealt cards that others have played, not the other way around. You're the innocent one in this whole situation, and if anyone has anything to be sorry about, it's me. I should have been there today, and I should have been there to protect you. Both of you," Asa let's go of me and leans up from where he's seated, edging closer to the bed and cupping my face with both of his hands.

He's gentle, but I flinch at his touch. Not because I am scared of him, but because my jaw hurts from where Ethan had gripped it so tightly. My throat burns, and I feel my heart sinking even further as I recall exactly what happened in that office. Ethan coming clean about him and Camara, him telling me that my mother had an affair of which I am the result of, and then his threats. I feel sick immediately as I recall his words. Towards me, towards my relationship with Asa, and the baby.

My eyes focus on Asa's confused expression to my initial reaction, and I try to relax, but even with his gentle hands on my cheeks, it hurts. His expression hardens, and he let's go of my face immediately, guilt and concern overcoming him.

"Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you," he chokes out in a concerned whisper as he brushes a few strands of hair away from where they are covering my face.

I quickly shake my head, grabbing his hand with my own. I don't want him to think he's hurt me, because it's not his fault. That's the last possible thing I could want right now.

"You didn't. I'm okay," I foster up a fake smile, but I don't even know I can buy it, even without having to look into the mirror. Everyone knows I can't lie, never have I been good at it, and probably will never be able to.

"You didn't seem okay. You're sore?" Asa asks, brushing his fingers lightly over my cheeks and down my jawline, and I immediately clench my jaw at his gentle touch. How hard had Ethan gripped my face? I didn't realize it in the moment maybe, but it was hard enough to where I'll probably show bruising tomorrow. It's likely that my wrists will also, and suddenly I'm feeling so nervous about that.

I close my eyes, letting out a shaky breath. I don't want to tell Asa, because I don't want to see his reaction, but I can't just try to lie to him. It will only make him even more upset, and he's not going to believe me anyways. And he doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark.

"Cassandra," he murmurs, and I feel his minty breath fan across my face as he leans his forehead to mine. With my eyes remaining closed, I grab his wrist, wanting him to stay as close to me as possible. "What's wrong?"

"Asa, I have to tell you something. Please don't freak out or get mad. Please..."