Chapter 35: I Don't Know If I Can Do It Again

Corran

April is sleeping soundly beside me. I can’t fall asleep. It was really fun, but now, lying here in the dark with only my thoughts, I feel overwhelmed with guilt. I'm unsure if I can do it again, no matter how amazing it was. I look at her, sigh quietly, and gently get out of bed, taking care not to wake her.

I leave the bedroom and go to the kitchen to prepare some tea instead of having a scotch, which is tempting. I’ve had enough to drink tonight. I take my tea and go to the living room to sit in the darkness and enjoy it.

“I hope you don’t hate me, Edin,” I whisper.

She always advised me to find someone else, but I always insisted I wouldn’t. I didn’t expect it so soon, even though I have no clue what's happening. I close my eyes, and it feels like a warm breeze brushes my cheek, making my breath catch. What was that? It happens sometimes. I must have a gap somewhere in my flat. I shake it off and take a sip of my tea.

I hear footsteps from behind me.

“Corran, are you okay?”

I switch the lamp on and glance over my shoulder at her. “Yes, I am fine.”

She sighs and strolls over, sitting next to me on the sofa. “Are you sure? Do you want me to go home?”

I shake my head. “No, you don’t need to. I will come back to bed after my tea. Go back to bed. You need to rest,” I say, squeezing her knee.

April looks at me, trying to determine if I am honest. After a brief pause, she nods and goes back to my bedroom. I finish my tea and go to join her. She is still awake when I arrive.

“I wanted to make sure you came back to bed,” she says softly.

“I said I would," I chuckle.

I crawl back into bed and settle beside her, hoping to finally get some sleep.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks once more.

“I promise I am fine. You say you feel Corbin around you; does it happen all the time?”

“Every day, it can be anything—from brief touches and certain scents to feeling like he's right next to me when I need him most. Why do you ask?''

I wish I could experience this every day, but I don’t. “I was just curious, that's all. There are moments when I feel certain things, and I can’t help but wonder if it is Edin.”

“It probably is. I am a true believer that no one ever truly goes away.”

“I wish I could believe that,” I reply.

“Everyone has different beliefs. We should get some sleep.”

“Good idea.”

We settle down, facing away from each other. April quickly falls asleep, and it takes me a bit longer, but I eventually drift off, hoping to see Edin in my dreams as I often do. It reassures me, even if those dreams aren’t real.

I wake to an empty bed. I assume April left either this morning or during the night. Sitting up, I run my fingers through my messy hair and glance at the empty spot.

I slept well last night. In my dream, Edin appeared, but this time it felt different. She reassured me that it was okay and that I had nothing to feel guilty about. It was as if she were giving me permission regarding April. It made me feel better.

I smile and get out of bed, heading to the kitchen to start my morning with a coffee. As I get closer, the aroma of coffee and bacon teases my nose. Is April still here? She probably is, unless some stranger has somehow entered my flat to make me breakfast, which seems very unlikely.

When I arrive in the kitchen, I see April cooking. She's now dressed in regular clothes instead of PJs, so she must have gone home to change. How long has she been awake? She moves around energetically while cooking, even without music playing. I stand by the door, observing her and smiling.

An impulse urges me to go up behind her and wrap my arms around her, but I resist. I can’t. We aren’t a couple, and that kind of gesture seems reserved for couples. April appears to be in a good mood. I wonder if it's related to what happened. It's incredible how good an orgasm can make you feel, even without engaging in full intercourse.

“Do you want food or coffee, or are you just going to keep staring?" she snickers, glancing over her shoulder at me.

“How did you know?” I laugh softly as I walk over to her.

“I could feel your eyes on me.”

I pour cups of coffee for both of us and ask April if she needs help; she declines. Instead, she urges me to sit at the table. I comply, and she shortly joins me, placing a plate in front of me with scrambled eggs, bacon, haggis, and sliced sausage.

“I hope you are hungry.” She smiles.

“I am. How long have you been awake? I assume you went to the shop because I didn’t have these items at home."

“I have been up for a couple of hours. I went home, showered and changed, then went to the shop to pick everything up.”

I must have been out cold because I didn’t hear a thing. “It looks delicious, thank you.”

“You're welcome. Did you dream about Edin last night? I overheard you talking to her in your sleep.”

I smile and nod. “I did. I won’t lie, despite how incredible last night was, I felt guilty. Edin assured me there's no reason to be.”

“No, I understand that. It was a significant step for both of us. I'm glad she told you it was all right."

“Me too,” I reply and tuck into my food.

April doesn’t need the specifics of my dream; she understands enough. She begins eating, and we share a peaceful silence. I’m unsure what the day will bring—whether she’ll stay or go back home. I have to wait and see. I want to spend the day with her, but ultimately, it’s her decision.