Thirty-six

Harry:

“Brit.” She was the last person I expected to see when I opened my apartment door, and I immediately panicked. “Is Tiffany all right?”

“Sure, just recovering from a broken heart.” Brit’s tone was snarky, but I exhaled in relief despite myself. Tiffany was okay, I mean, she was miserable, and that was on me. But she wasn’t physically hurt.

“Come in,” I said as I stepped to the side, thankful that I had gotten off my ass and cleaned up this morning. The last thing I needed was for Brit to see me living in a complete state of disarray.

Brit walked in, looking around, and then smiled softly. “I think the last time I was here I was dying David’s hair silver.” She looked over at the island in the kitchen area. “Over there on the stool.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t a weird thing for me to walk in on or anything.”

Brit shrugged. “Wow. I hadn’t thought about that in so long. I spent a lot of time in this apartment with him.” She looked around the room, remembering things I could not see. “Practicing,” she added. There was no need for the affirmation; her loyalty to Erik was something I would never question. “Remember when we stayed up all night playing cards? That’s the first time I met you.”

I remembered clearly. Kristen had her friends over, and I was fascinated by how happy she was with them. They all had such chemistry. I never had friends like that. I never really had anyone like that until I had Tiffany. The lump started to form in my throat. “We were all a lot younger then.”

“Speak for yourself. I’m still young.” She crossed her arms and shot me a look of warning. I laughed lightly, remembering how Brit was only about eighteen when I had first met her. Eighteen and stumbling out the door after drinking too many beers that night. Erik had to pretty much carry her to the car. She was singing…. “Still. It seems funny to think that was four years ago.”

“Four years,” I repeated almost in shock. Where did the time go? Snapping out of my trance, I remembered my manners and walked over to the fridge to see what was inside. “Can I get you anything? Uh… I have some ginger ale or iced tea. I need to go shopping,” I added, embarrassed that I didn’t have anything proper to offer her. Long gone were the days of cold beers. Raise a glass to memories.

“No thanks. I didn’t come here for a social call.”

Yeah, that much I had picked up on. “So is this the part when I ask you to what do I owe this visit?”

Brit took a breath. “It’s been hard for me to accept you in Tiffany’s life. Really hard.”

This dramatic monologue that she was about to unleash almost seemed comical. “I’m not in her life anymore. So you don’t have to accept me.”

“Can you please shut up and let me talk?”

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and leaned against the wall for support. I should have known she had some speech planned. There was nowhere for me to go. Whether I wanted to hear her out or not, I had to listen to what Brit had to say.

“It took me a long time to understand how Kristen could forgive you after what you did to her.”

Her words were like stones and my stomach the quarry. She threw them in, and they settled there, weighing me down with guilt.

“She tried to explain it to me many times, but all I could see was how you almost destroyed her, and that was not acceptable.”

“If you had the same concern for Tiffany, I understand, Brit, I do. But I let her go—”

“What is it with men having the inability to listen to a woman when she’s speaking?” Brit practically growled, and I felt like a puppy being reprimanded. “It’s really annoying.”

“Sorry.”

“Anyway… I did have the same worries for Tiff, but you’re different now. There’s no denying that. You stepped up. You owned your past, you came clean, and you protected her heart as much as you could. You were honest and up front. That’s respectable.”

My gaze met hers, but I couldn’t read her eyes. They weren’t Tiffany’s. I knew what that girl was thinking. Brit was a mystery to me. I knew better than to speak.

“But then, just when I had found it in my heart to accept you, you fucked it all up.” And there it was. The Brittany Wakefield charm I was accustomed to. “Tiffany is amazing. She’s probably the most talented person I know, and that says a lot considering I know a guy whose album went platinum the first year it was out.” Brit crossed her arms and looked at me. “I want to know why. Why would you push her away when she told you how she felt? She’s in love with you, Harry Archer. Not even Kristen offered you that.”

Her words were like a grenade going off in my belly, those stones now exploding all over my body. I felt sick. Physically sick. She was right. She was everything I ever wanted, and I had let her go. I walked over to the kitchen island and pulled out a stool for her. Brit peeled herself off the wall and sat down. I sat beside her, rubbing my face with my hands, trying to patch up what was left of me.

“Did she tell you that we went to New York together?”

Brit’s eyes widened, and I knew this was new information to her. She shook her head. It made me love Tiffany a little bit more. Even hurt and broken, she kept our secret.

“Yeah, we went together early for the holidays. It was Tiff’s idea. My sponsor had died, and she knew I was in a bad state. Not that I would use—” I forced myself to make eye contact with her. “I wouldn’t.” It was important Brit understood that. “I was grieving. He was my friend and had gotten me through my darkest times, but I wasn’t there for him, you know?” The old sadness started to drift over me, but I tried to hold it at bay. “He was pretty private, so it’s not like I knew, but I don’t like feeling helpless. He had two little girls. It was really sad.”

Brit looked shocked. “Tiffany didn’t tell me any of this.”

“Well, no offense to you, Brit, but she’s probably afraid to talk about any part of me that sheds light on the darkness.”

Brit dropped her gaze.

“Anyway, we went to the city and had a freaking great time. We showed each other our favorite spots, she met my family… it was amazing. The best part of the holidays were the moments I spent with her”

“So what changed?”

I held my tongue. If I told her the truth, she’d tell Tiff.

“Look. I can’t make sense of her pain if I only know half the story. Right now she’s saying she told you that she loved you, and you pushed her away.”

“It’s not like that.” I took a deep breath. “I had to let her go.”

“I know you don’t want to tell me why, but I’d appreciate it if you did.”

“If I tell you, can you keep it between us?”

“Maybe.”

“I guess that’s as good as it’s going to get.” Brit had never really done anything to me, she was a freaking Amazon warrior when it came to her friends. I respected that. And I realized I had to trust her that she’d keep this between us. “We had dinner with her mother. She was great.”

“Yeah, I’ve met Claire before. She’s fierce, but in a totally cool way.”

“Yeah, well, she was telling me how Tiff needs this surgery and if she gets it there’s a huge chance that she could have her dancing career back.”

“Tiff told me about that surgery. She’s really afraid of it. The last doctor botched up her knee. Have you ever seen her scar?”

Scar? I had no idea she had a scar. I shook my head.

“It’s pretty bad. It’s on the side of her knee. She has pins. Anyway, she was so let down when the procedure didn’t work. I mean, she can dance, and she’s freaking incredible, but she’ll never be able to keep up with the professionals because she doesn’t have the strength or the flexibility that she used to.”

“But another procedure could fix that?” I had to know. I had to know if she had a chance on that stage again.

“I really don’t know. It sounded pretty fifty-fifty to me. At least, that’s the way Tiff explained it. That’s why she came here. She needed to forget. She wanted a life that was very different from the one she knew.”

“Different doesn’t mean better.”

“No, but she found you, and she fell in love. That doesn’t happen every day, Harry.”

“Her mother asked me to stay away.” The words stumbled out, and I was embarrassed for admitting the truth. “She said she was pretty sure she could convince Tiff into having the surgery, but then she met me, and I’m holding her back.”

“Why can’t she have both?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why can’t you convince her to have the surgery?”

“I want her to do it for herself, not because I asked her to. I had to step back and give her a chance to remember who she was. She’s so much more than a pretty girl pouring beers behind a bar. She has to know that.”

Brit nodded. “I can see you had good intentions, but it pretty much backfired. All she knows now is heartbreak, and she has no idea why. You didn’t send her running back to the stage, Harry. You sent her to bed with a pillow over her head. Not to mention that date you were on.”

“Date?” I shook my head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Harry, it’s just us. I know you were with a woman at Carmine’s last week. I saw you.”

“Carmine’s?” I had to think, then it clicked. “Oh! The overpriced Italian joint on 44th?”

“Yeah.”

“I wasn’t on a date. That was my cousin.”

“Cousin?” Brit looked pale. “Oh shit…”

“What? Hey. How did you even know I was there?”

“Tiff and I may have seen you, and Tiff may have gotten the wrong idea. She thinks you cut off all ties to be with that chick, not because of any other reason.”

“What? Are you kidding me? Well, I mean, you gotta tell her the truth. You gotta tell her that was my cousin, Ayla, and she’s an exchange student from London, and she goes to NYU, and she was giving me a lecture, and it one hundred and fifty percent wasn’t a date.” I was yelling, and Brit was leaning back. Boy, how the tables had turned. I almost liked it better when she was the irrational one.

“I can’t! I mean, if Tiff knows I went to you, then she’ll be pissed at me and feel like I betrayed her.”

I ran my hand through my hair and gave it a good shake. “I was trying to do the right thing. No matter what choice I make, it’s always the wrong one. I was trying to respect her, to get out of her way so she could make her dreams come true. To give her back the life she lost.” I got up and walked over to the coffee table where my phone was. Tapping on the screen a few times, I found the picture I had taken of Tiffany that day when I watched her dance. She had no idea I had it. Every time I missed her, I looked at that picture. I must have looked at it a thousand times by now.

I placed it in front of Brit with a shaky hand. “I didn’t want her to lose herself because of me.” I took a deep breath. “Brittany, the last thing I would have done is tossed her away to be with someone else. I’m in love with her, too.”

“Please don’t call me Brittany.” She shuddered. What’s wrong with Brittany? It was her name. “Look, it’s time to unmask yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean don’t hide behind your fears. Let them in. Deal with your shit, and then shake it off, and get what you want. If you love her, really love her, then show her how much she’s worth. Show her you’re ready to walk through fucking fire to be with her.”

For some reason, Brit made walking through fire seem simple. But it wasn’t something I had ever grasped. “How?”

Brit thought for a moment. “Do what Erik did. Fight for her.”

“Fight?”

“Yeah, you need a grand gesture moment.”

“What if she doesn’t want me anymore?”

“You’ll never know until you try. If you really love her, I’d say it’s worth risking everything.” She rose up on her tippy toes and kissed me on the cheek. She offered me a smile. “I have to go. I know you’ll do the right thing.”

I walked her to the door. “Are you going to tell her that we spoke?”

Brit shrugged. “Not yet. Maybe not ever. You have time, Harry, but don’t wait forever.”