Chapter 18

I push her face into her silk covered pillows, my hips rutting against hers like a dog in heat. I hadn’t realized how much I missed this—her. We’re like two puzzle pieces, our bodies just slot together in a perfect way.

I hold her up, my other hand firmly pressing her belly up in that way she likes. I feel her welcome me in, as if to say: I miss you too. It’s good to hear it from her body even if she won’t say it.

I lose myself in her, all thoughts melt away. I don’t think about that man, about the girl I killed, about the blood on my hands.

Just her. Just her body and mine connected in that primal way. It somehow rationalizes the violence to me. I’m just an animal, that’s what animals do. They kill, they eat they fuck it’s the way of things.

She taps the bed. Oh right. She needs to breathe. I wrap my hand around her throat, pulling her up, holding her there.

She inhales deeply, filling her lungs.

“Hey what the fuck—”

“I let you breathe, don't make me regret it,” I murmur, I feel myself, through her belly, and fuck her harder. I need this.

I needed this so much.

“Dawson—”

“Shut up, Red. Just take it for me. Okay?”

She nods, and I slip my thumb in her mouth, a kind of consolation prize, for us both, her mouth warm and wet.

I’m surrounded by her.

Drugs, alcohol—they never clear my mind. Not strong enough.

I don’t know how long I do that. Eventually she goes quiet, but she doesn’t stop twitching doesn’t stop sucking me in. I bend down and check her eyes.

Rolled back, but here.

I slip my thumb from her mouth. She drools.

“You okay?” I rub her pulse. It’s steady. Good.

She nods. I smile, and kiss her cheek. “Of course you are. You’re sturdy, even I couldn’t break you.”

“Y-You, bastard—”

“Sounds like you’ve had enough air then,” I push her head back down.

I don’t know what I’ll do with her smart mouth right now, I’m something, not quite angry. Something.

I reach down between us, please her even more. Her body jolts, back arching. I’ve never seen her like this. I can’t help but laugh a bit. For someone so haughty, she looks good like this.

“I won’t let you break, Red. I’ve got you. Just…feel it.”

After a while I let her slump onto the bed, let her body leave mine. She closes her eyes, her body still twitching, her braids wild under her on pillow.

“The sun is almost up,” I murmur, laying down next to her. I pull the covers over her. “I guess I should be going.”

I pat her head, slipping out of bed before something stops me. Her hand closes around my wrist, her eyes wide and shining.

She shakes her head.

My lips turn up, as I close my eyes for a second. I’ve never seen her act so cute.

“You’re right. What kind of man would I be to leave you after I roughed you up like this? I’ll take care of you.”

I sit with her for a minute. Her hand doesn’t leave my wrist. My eyes rove over the damage I’ve done. My hand marks her throat, her hips. My teeth marks the back of her neck, every part of her really.

She’s quiet. Not even a sarcastic quip. I brush her cheek, her nose. Her lips. Then I take her into my arms, and walk her to the bathroom.

She’s light. Her personality is larger than life, sometimes I forget how small she is. And soft. So soft.

I sit her on my lap, rest her head against my shoulder and fill the bathtub. While I wait, I play with her braids, loop them around my finger.

She’s asleep. Her breathing is even, heartbeat steady, body limp and relaxed. I slip her into the warm water, carefully, making sure not to get her hair wet.

I never saw her naked before. She always had on a nightgown. It didn’t do her body justice. I wash her, scanning around for body wash and a rag.

They both sit in the shower, washcloth folded into a neat little square. Who knew how meticulous she is about a washcloth. It feels like something I shouldn’t know, and maybe that’s why I covet it.

I tuck it away in my mind. She doesn’t snore. Just quietly breathes, when she sleeps. I wash her gently, taking the days makeup—or what’s left of it, with me. I’m not sure if that’s how it’s supposed to work, but what has soap and water not cleaned?

It’s quiet, but my thoughts don’t overwhelm me. I’m thinking of her. Of how to be careful, how to be gentle, how not to disturb her. I want to stay with her like this for a while.

I doubt I’ll see this again. When I’m done, I wrap her in a towel and dry her off, put on her nightgown, and lay her down. A head wrap rests on the nightstand. I’ve never seen it, never really been in her room with enough light.

I guess she wears it to sleep, since it’s there. It’s a bit hard, putting her hair into it, it fights me, slipping out, until finally I get it right.

I cover my mouth and hide a laugh. She’s so cute like that. And then I’m done. I fall down in exhaustion next to her.

“What a routine. I bet I didn’t even do everything you usually do,”

I heave a sigh, my eyes fluttering despite myself. As they finally close, I see the light of the sun peeking through the windows.

Red throws her leg over mine, snuggling closer to me. I put my arm over her. She doesn’t stir. My body is tense. I’ve never done this. My body can’t relax in this foreign environment.

Her heartbeat is so steady though. Like a metronome, never missing a beat. As if nothing could ever shake her.

Eventually the metronome of her heart lulls me to sleep.