Avrora
I gaze at Anatoli sitting on the beach in the distance, smoking.
He doesn't smoke often, and not like this.
This broken version of him where he looks like the lost boy again.
The last few days have been terrible for the both of us. First for me. Then for him.
He returned from the hospital a few hours ago and told me what happened with his father.
I didn't know what broke him more-finding out the truth and not being able to do anything about it, or watching his father die and knowing it's the end.
Both were too much. Like everything else.
To say I'm still a mess is putting it lightly, but I know I need to be there for him now. The way he has been for me.
The last few days have been like none other. I previously thought the day my mother killed herself was the worst day of my life. Seeing the bones of the family I forgot in that grave was beyond that. I don't think I'd ever be able to explain to anyone how I felt then. And how I feel now.
The memory I relived is still slicing through my mind with razor-sharp edges, and still burning through my soul.
One of the worst things I've had to deal with is not remembering anything or anyone else beyond that point.
The only good thing is that my nightmares have become fragments that I hope will fade eventually.
I haven't spoken to Lorelai properly yet, but she knows I've had a tough time. I wanted to see Mira first before anyone else. Just to see her and comfort her. I don't expect her to help me after losing Evgeni today. I called her assistant earlier to find out if I could still visit tomorrow, and they said she still wanted to see me.
I cross the distance to Anatoli. He turns when I get closer. The waning afternoon sun beams down on him, picking out the lighter parts of his eyes and his hair.
He blows out one last ring of smoke, puts out his cigarette, and stretches his hand for me to take. I do and sit in his lap when he places me there.
"I'm sorry I've been out here for so long." His voice is low and weak. "I didn't want to be around you like this." He gives me a brief kiss and I touch his face.
"Anatoli, you're allowed to grieve, and you're allowed to be sad."
"I like being stronger around you. You need me to be strong now."
"You need me, too. So, this is me being strong for you. Talk to me." I can see he has every emotion under the sun bottled inside him, waiting to explode.
All because of my father. Damn, I keep calling him that. I keep forgetting who I am again.
He presses his lips together and releases a haggard sigh. "Baby, I don't know what to say. My life has been a lie. Pretty much like yours. Different but similar. Leif is beside himself, and I feel like I've shut down. Nothing was ever what I thought it was. My father loved me, Avrora. You should have seen the way he looked at me."
That sounds more like the Evgeni I knew. "I'm so sorry, Anatoli. I'm sorry things turned out like this."
"I know. At least I got to see him. Apart from Leif, no one else made it to the hospital on time."
That would have been hard on everyone. "I wish there were something I could do."
"This is helping. Us like this. Me being with you."
"Do you want to go somewhere? Just somewhere that's not here, or someplace we've never been before."
He gives me a little smile. "We could."
"Could we ride your bike?"
"Of course, we can. I knew I'd drag you over to the dark side eventually."
I smile, too, for the first time in days. "Maybe I need the thrill."
"I think I need it, too. Come on, let's go."
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"Are you sure I can't get you anything else before you leave?" Ehlga asks, clearing the table.
"No, I'm fine. I was thinking of having lunch with Mira if she's up to it."
"Okay, just make sure you have something."
"I will. Don't worry."
I'm about to head out to see Mira. I'm looking forward to spending time with her, even though I'm still not able to keep much food down. I think the shock to my system from the last few days has weakened me and I caught some kind of stomach bug.
Ehlga rests a hand on my arm when I stand. "Take it easy today."
"Sure, see you later."
She continues clearing the plates away while I head out the door.
As I'll be spending the day with Mira, Anatoli went to Scarfoni Inc. an hour ago to catch up on some work. He'll then head over to Leif's and pick me up later.
When I step outside, my phone rings in my bag. I pull it out and check who's calling.
It's the doctor Anatoli wants me to see, so I answer it as I continue walking toward the car.
"Hello, is that Mrs. Scarfoni?" comes a lady's voice.
"Yes. That's me."
"This is Nurse MacGregor. Do you have time to talk?"
"Sure." I was expecting a call to set up an appointment, but I didn't think I'd get one today because it's Sunday.
"Sorry to call you today. We were running an extra clinic and noticed some results in your blood work from the other day that we needed to talk to you about."
That sounds serious. A cold knot forms in my stomach. Trouble with my health is the last thing I need now. I had to give blood samples for the DNA testing. I never expected anything else to be found.
"Am I okay?"
"Yes, you're fine. But we didn't know if you were aware that you're pregnant."
My legs stop so suddenly I almost trip over my feet. Then my entire body goes so rigid I fear my spine will snap in two.
"I'm what?" I rap out, my voice sounding hollow and frail.
"You're four weeks pregnant. It sounds like you didn't know."
"No." Four weeks? How can that be? Of course, I know how, but I've been on the pill every day. "I take contraception, though."
"You must have missed a day or maybe taken them later than usual."
Shit. I cast my mind back to four weeks ago and go through what was going on at that time. Then it hits me. Anatoli and I had just started sleeping together and things were crazy. The days and nights blurred into one, and I can't deny that I didn't pay attention to the time when I was taking my pills. I don't at the best of times, and I didn't when it mattered.
"I... um..."
"Take some time to process. We would like you to come in over the next few days to see us."
"Okay."
"Will it be alright to give you a call on Tuesday to set up an appointment if we haven't heard from you?"
"Yes that will be fine."
"Great, we'll speak to you soon."
"Thank you." I'm on autopilot and still like that when I hang up the phone.