Chapter 63: The penultimate

After the parting, I spent the following days crying-with a hope that it would somehow dull the pain-which caused me to have bloodshot eyes, sleeping throughout the night; at some point, I didn't want to get up from my bed in the morning and just go back to sleeping, wishing for everything that happened was just a dream. But it wasn't-it wasn't a dream. It was a painful reality that I had to deal with. I tried not to overthink the situation. Still, every time Evan would suddenly flash in my mind, something inside me-my pained heart, probably-felt like shattering into pieces, and the debris of the situation would have me sob again until I'd feel numb. Seeing all the clothes from Evan that I haven't returned to him yet as I fold them into a box made me remember what happened that night. But, no. I wasn't going to cry again. A week had passed already, but my heart was still broken. Even so, I reminded myself why I chose to break up with him. That I made a choice to put Evan's well-being first. "You know everything's kind of becoming better now," Kayla said on the other line of the phone as I fixed all the clothes Evan lent me. "I don't know, Kayla. If you're suggesting we should get back together, I'm not really sure about it." I heaved a deep sigh, a tiring one. "Some fans throw hate at me, and by extension, at Evan as well. I don't want to damage his name." "Those delusional, obsessed fans are the only ones throwing hate and bad comments at you, Misty. The ones saying their idols cannot date because their idols made a promise to them that they will love them forever are the ones that should be scolded, for real." "It doesn't matter. I still made Evan's name into a hot seat." "I don't understand, though," Kayla hissed. "How exactly are you damaging Evan's name when you're just loving the person? And it's not like that Evan isn't an adult." "I don't . . . know." "What if Evan really wants you back? Love doesn't fade that easy, Misty." "Kayla, I just . . ." I uttered, and at some point, Kayla must've said some words of comfort, but I felt a little weak even to respond. I was not going to cry again. Instead, I reminded myself that I needed to stay strong for Evan, to be not affected anymore. "I still love him, Kayla." I brought my trembling hands to my mouth to suppress my sudden sobs, but it was too late. At that point, all the numbness of pain I attempted on trying to recover from came back again. I tried. I tried not to be affected again. I did try to spend my days carefully avoiding thoughts of Evan, but it was as though both my mind and heart worked rhythmically perfectly together to imprison me with such feelings. The last days were the most difficult moments of my life. I was burned into the reality that I had let go of Evan that easy, that I didn't even try fighting. I was selfish not to consider his feelings. Was I? Because I only wanted to protect him. ***** No other information about me except my name was revealed in the articles. Thus, the backlash from the situation wasn't wholly awful, which I found very confusing, honestly. I anticipated receiving tons of hate, nasty comments, and other judgments from his fans. Kayla making threatening replies to the ones commenting awful things under my Instagram posts was also helpful. Surprisingly, there were much nicer comments saying that I didn't deserve lousy treatment because I made their idol happy. I had no idea how exactly that happened or what made them still nice to me, but according to Ms. Grace, Wonderland's lawyers are working on the case to protect Evan and me. Additionally, some of Evan's fans-his true and real fans-even made petitions to arrest the paparazzi behind the articles containing our photos, with a plausible reason that such an act was a mere invasion of Evan's private life and somehow endangered his life and by extension, my life, too-by following every path we took together. A week after the issue, Wonderland Entertainment released an official notice regarding Evan's private life, saying that his private life was, indeed and exactly, private and that all his fans should respect it. They didn't admit nor deny the issue, but they were clear on the message that they would protect Evan. At the same time, Evan apologised for the disruption and inconvenience he might've caused to the people at Paper Chase that night. The next day, the news-press released statements highlighting that it was found out that the one behind the articles and photos was a sasaeng fan (obsessed fan) who was also found to have done similar things to other idols. The other girls who took pictures of us from the food festival were also discovered to be acquainted with the paparazzi. The authorities were also quick to arrest them for questioning and other necessary things. I haven't talked to Evan yet ever since the parting. There were a few times we bumped into each other in the condominium's hallways, saw each other in the parking lot, got out of our unit at the same time, and some other coincidences that made my heart swell for missing him. But every time we happened to meet, it was as though we were strangers again as I would see how cold his eyes were like they were clouds in them. It hurt me during those times of pretending to be okay. Although, I was relieved knowing that everything seemed to be a little calmer now. On top of that, Evan's activities continued even if the case was still ongoing. None of his lined schedules was halted, including TV commercial films, brand endorsements, collaborations with other artists, and magazine photoshoots. It was as though nothing scandalous had recently happened. And somehow, I felt happy for Evan. One night, Evan held an Instagram live to talk about the situation, and about a hundred thousand viewers were watching him-including me. His statement was a rugged stance, too, just like Wonderland's statement. He didn't deny nor confirm the matter about us to his viewers. Not that I was expecting him to mention me, though. Of course, there was indeed no reason to do that. We broke up, and now he was back at his normal life-a life without me-just like in the past. Unexpectedly, he somehow discussed that he was happy during those times and didn't have any regrets. Perhaps, my heart swelled in confusion, and then from the realization of what Evan meant to say. The comments running in his Instagram live were shockingly full of support for Evan, although a few negative comments were also. If only I could magically appear under their bed at 3 a.m. to hit them with scathing replies, I would. But of course, that wouldn't be a good help. Some negative comments were saying that Evan was ungrateful for his entertainment for disobeying the strict no-dating rule and a liar for telling the fans that he loved them when he loved someone else-which technically meant me. Obviously, such hostile comments came from obsessive fans, but the ones supporting Evan weighed more. ***** "Oh, look, Misty. He posted a new photo!" Kate-one of my colleagues-remarked and even attempted to show her phone to me, but I was firm not to look at her phone because I already knew who she was talking about. "Misty, look." "You have to look at it, Misty. You know everyone here was fine about what happened, so don't worry," someone added, but I didn't know who it was because I was already covering my face with a bond paper out of pure shyness and pressure about talking about him. "Honestly, I was also thrilled when I found out about you dating The Evan Park. I was like, 'Oh, my gosh! Our dear Misty is finally dating!'" another one rejoiced. I willed myself not to stare at his photo, although I was really cheeky to look at it. Just to know if he was doing alright these past days and what he was currently busy with. I also didn't have any update from him since I turned off my fan cafe and Twitter accounts. Inside Paper Chase's cafeteria, everything and everyone looked pretty normal to me. Very unusual, though. Maybe my colleagues were right about them being cool with the issue, so it felt somewhat relieving for a moment. "Oh, wait!" someone exclaimed. "Are you, guys, going to the outdoor music festival tomorrow night?" "Of course, my favorite group is invited, so I'll watch them," Kate answered. "You should go, too, Misty. Evan Park is part of the line-up." I looked up at them, my fingers snapping under the table, then to release the sudden panic thinking about the thought of attending-of seeing him again. Then I looked at the group of people at the following table, then at my colleagues again, then finally, to the phone on the table where Evan's post on Instagram could be seen. My heart was pounding in my chest seeing Evan's post: The first photo was the bracelet we got that night after the Once Upon A Time photoshoot-that one with a moon charm on it. I had the same type of bracelet, but with a sun charm on it. The second photo on Evan's post was a paper with written lyrics: You make me feel better. As I kept reading the lyrics in my mind, I realized it was the song he had written for me, and perhaps I smiled. "Misty?" Kate's doubtful voice reminded me that they were still with me. I looked at them and saw their confused expressions, their widened eyes and frowning eyebrows present. "Are you okay?" "Huh?" I shook my head just to erase the sudden thoughts about Evan. "Nothing. I'm fine." "So are you going to watch the music festival tomorrow?" "I'm . . . not sure." Kate sent me the link to the music festival's site at night. Not for the first time tonight, I looked at the event poster, and Evan was really included in the line-up. Somehow, a part of me encouraged me to go because I was starting to really miss him. Or perhaps, I just wanted to see him at least. With hesitation and a slight shaking of my fingers, I opened the link to the ticketing site to check the available tickets, and to my surprise, the tickets seemed to be purchased that fast. The upcoming music festival was going to be attended by great groups and soloists, so it was understandable that purchasing tickets would be like a battle. Although it was going to be an outdoor type of event, there would be designated places for your chosen ticket, so if you were to buy the VIP ticket, you would have the best view of the artist who would be performing. "It's not like as if he will be seeing me in the crowd, right?" The outdoor venue for the event would be large enough even to hold about 10,000 people. So it was unlikely-definitely impossible-to even think that there would be a chance Evan would see me. Or was I just an idiot for assuming that he would see me? Nah, that'd be impossible. But then, seeing how lavish the VIP ticket was, I was left with the realization that I'd instead just purchase the cheapest price. The one that would probably be located at the very end of the crowd. It wouldn't even matter if I'd be watching while clinging on the railings or barricades of the event, as long I'd get to see him. I groaned and plopped myself on my bed while furiously flapping my legs. But I had no idea where the irritation was coming from. I mean, why was I even checking the ticket prices? It was not like I'd be really going. Or perhaps, I would. I closed my eyes, sighed wearily, and did some mental calculations to determine my reasons as to whether it was proper to attend the event. First and foremost, I was the one who pursued breaking up even if it was against Evan's will, even if he was ready to fight for our relationship. Second, Evan wasn't still talking to or contacting me-not a single message, which I somewhat expected already. Like, hello? You just broke up with him, so why would you expect him to talk to you that easy? Third and most importantly, I hurt Evan big time, so I understood where he was coming from. After a few minutes of deliberating with myself, I fell asleep and perhaps dreamed of Evan. ***** And so, I did attend the music festival. "Everyone, are you all having fun?" the male MC asked in a shout, and people in the crowd loudly cheered with various shouts I couldn't even understand. "The next artist who will perform needs no further introduction. Who do you think he is?" And just like that, the crowd wildly shouted once more as though a million amplifiers were injected into the ground that felt shaking eventually, so I was careful not to let go of the railing I was holding into. I cleared my thought and adjusted my face mask-I wore one just to make sure people wouldn't recognize me-to let out the sudden nervousness I felt because I somewhat knew who would perform next. "So who it is?" the female MC shouted. "Alright, let's get ready to rock and roll with . . . Evan Park!!!" And boom! Suddenly, the shaking of the ground even got worse as people became even more excited as began cheering for Evan in the best way they could. I had never attended a music festival before, so I was rather shocked to see how people reacted. I wanted to dash away from the scene and just forget about the prospect of seeing Evan perform, but no. I patiently waited for his stage for almost two hours now, so I would not let that precious time go to waste. When Evan walked onto the stage, he got a surprised expression-he probably did not expect the number of people cheering in front of him. The crowd started chanting his name, and Evan smiled at them with a little shy expression this time. After all his backup dancers got on the stage a few minutes later, the lights changed into brighter colors, and his performance began. Evan sang and danced perfectly. You wouldn't think that he was singing live. It was as though he happened to eat his CD that explained how stable his live singing was even though he was dancing simultaneously. The crowd looked as if they were magically hypnotized or spellbound by Evan, seeing how they genuinely sang along with him as they moved their bodies in rhythm with Evan's performance, their banners and light sticks rocking in the air as they banged to the music. The second part of Evan's stage was him singing an acoustic song while he played his guitar. My position was slightly far from the stage but somewhat close enough to see Evan's face. Looking at the crowd, they became calmer now as they sincerely sang along with Evan, their hands in the air swaying. He seemed fine and happy, which ultimately made my heart feel a pinch inside, really. I just wanted him to be happy, after all. As I continued to watch, I suddenly realized that I probably made the right choice of letting him go. After all, this was Evan Park-the superstar idol. He brought so much joy into people's lives through his music, making him a good musician. And it would be an ultimate ream of selfishness if I would continue to be a hindrance in his life. Evan's stage finally stopped, so I was also ready to make myself out of the situation-with a good thought that I had seen him enough. Yeah. Seeing him perform tonight with so much joy on his face reassured me that he was back to his everyday life, to be an idol. So it registered to my mind that I, too, should face reality again and be back to my old life-the boring one where I'd like nothing but to edit and review manuscripts and binge-watch dramas at night. I could proudly say that the past chapters of my life have been nothing but meaningful and beautiful moments with Evan. "For my ending stage, I'm going to sing a special song. Is it okay?" People started murmuring with excitement upon hearing about his prospect. "Yes!" I was about to flee the scene when Evan- "Misty . . ." And just like that, my heart melted hearing him say my name after all the things that had happened. I missed him calling my name. I missed hearing his reassuring, precise, and sweet tone whenever he would call me. The uniqueness in the way he would pronounce my name that would make me smile like an idiot, everything . . . I missed him so much. I turned my back to see Evan again, but of course-not in any way-he didn't see me. He was making the live band listen to the song first to learn the chords and notes. "Wasn't that the name of his girl-no, wait, ex-girlfriend?" I heard the girl beside me ask her companion. "Did they really break up?" the other girl asked; her confused face confused me as well because I was expecting she would rasp or curse me or something, but she didn't. "Based on the rumors, yeah." "Aw, too bad. I actually wanted her for Evan-oppa. I mean, the days before the issue spread, Evan-oppa was extra happier than he normally was. Like, his energy in every shows he attended was really something, don't you think?" The other girl crossed her arms over her chest, her face in deep thinking. "You're right. Everyone observed that and we started making jokes like 'He's dating someone. I just know it' and it was really true!" "The fandom is honestly happy for him, though. After all, we are just his fans and we promised to support him, no matter what." "Agree! Evan-oppa dating is not a problem, honestly," the other girl beamed with a sincere expression like she meant those words. "Those crazy obsessed fans are the real problem here." "I hope they get back together." I had no idea, but I smiled at them underneath my mask. I initially anticipated a different reaction from Evan's fans, like they would be furious at me and start making spells to curse me so I would leave their idol alone. After all that had happened in the past days, it was such a relief that people really loved and supported Evan. "Misty . . . Yes, that's the song I'm going to sing next," Evan uttered and strummed his acoustic guitar producing such a beautiful sound, and so the crowd immediately made themselves sit on the provided seats. As fate would have it, my brain must've chosen to stop functioning at that very moment because when almost everyone in my area finally settled down themselves, I was still finding my way out of the scene, but it was relatively too late because- "Misty?" It was Evan, his voice resounding the whole venue as though it went straight into my ears. And just like that . . . "Shit," I hissed to myself but didn't look back.