Leaving

Leaving

Rachel's POV

No sooner had Mom left than Cole climbed down the stairs. He met my hard glare, following him down the stairs. He froze, grabbing onto the stair’s railing for a moment.

His palm squealed over the steel length of the railing with how tight he grabbed onto it. Yet, I didn't relax the snarl in my eyes for him. I had never hated him as much as I did now.

My fingers folded and retracted beside me, wishing they were on his neck instead. I had no idea what he was telling Mom. The lies he was feeding her. But he was sure telling her something.

“Rachel,” he said, his lips finally moving. “Mariah said I should—” he paused. Then he shoved his fingers into his hair, scattering the dark bundle, which still reeked of his shampoo. He stared at me again, then he sighed, his legs dragging down the stairs.

“I know it might not look like it, but I swear. I have nothing to do with this. It was all Mariah's idea. She is the one that asked me to keep your company.” Cole said.

His explanation was the last thing I wanted to hear. He reached for my wrist, and I gave him a cold, chilling stare that made him flinch back from me. He retracted his fingers, dropping back from me.

“I thought I told you nothing can ever happen between us again. You’d broken up with me. Then I made up with and fell in love with your uncles. Why can't you deal with it? Find Martha and make it work between both of you again. Then leave me the hell alone.”

His mouth hung open, but nothing came out, not even a cackle, while he stared at me.

I bumped him out of my way, knocking him to the side with my shoulder.

Every part of me still squealed in protest, especially my joints—aching terribly from the weariness of school as I marched up the stairs. I dumped my books and bag in my room, and I returned to march down the corridor for Martin’s crib.

Since Mom had dumped the baby on Logan. That seemed like the place to find him. Mom had complete control of Draco, but not Logan. He wasn't so smitten by her as to abandon me as Draco did.

I bit down on my lips, strolling down the long corridor. I also slapped my head with my palm, scolding myself for being a fool—for letting Draco fool me into trusting him to relax in his arms then.

The image of the scene in the living room played again in my mind, and the ache in my heart boomed again, growing stronger and stronger inside of me.

I grabbed tight to my chest, clinging tight to it before the pain inside of me would rip it to shreds. I should have known. I should have known when he was always calling me Mariah when I was in his arms that I could never beat his love for her, never beat his love for the woman whose news of death drove him to madness. I was just her replacement.

The ache slammed harder against my chest from the inside. I grabbed tighter at my chest, pressing my fingers down over my breast to soothe the ache. Yet, it slammed harder, almost taking my breath with it. I wasn't trying to claim his love all for myself. I just wished he would love me enough to fight to be with me. Is that even too much to ask?

I pushed the door to Mom’s room. It happened to be where Martin's crib was kept. Logan’s back was to me. Hunched over the crib, he struggled to fit Martin’s diapers to his buttocks while Martin threw his tiny chubby legs and hands into the air, as if to catch Logan's face.

Logan tapped Martin on the cheek gently. “Yeah, little man. Continue to jump and reach for me. As long as you don't poop or pee on me. Then it's fine.” He cooed to the baby, turning back the baby gently to fix a diaper strap.

It seemed Martin didn't listen to what he said, as a rush of liquid shot into the air from between his tiny legs.

“Fucking hell,” Logan grunted as he jumped out of the way of the urine.

Just watching the scene repressed a little of my pain. When Logan shifted to avoid the urine and his eyes found me leaning on the door, quietly watching the scene, I was laughing. I lifted from the wall to laugh, giving every inch of my soul to that laugh. For that moment, I forgot all my pain, all my sorrows, and I laughed.

Logan grinned as he turned to Martin. “I have to give it to you women. This is quite a chore.”

He pinned Martin down with his eyes. “Didn't I warn you to not pee?” He said gently, as if snapping at the baby.

Instantly, Martin’s tiny, chubby face crumbled in a frown, and his harsh baby cries echoed in the whole room.

Logan leaned back from the plastic crib, wincing at the noise. “Good God. Do you have a sound system in your damn lungs, little man?”

“Perhaps I can help calm him down,” I yelled over the loud noise of Martin's cries.

“No! Don't worry, I can handle this, Rachel.” Logan said, throwing back his hand to me, not to come in. There was a sharpness in his voice that stopped me. I froze on the tile, watching him as he resumed to hunch over the crib. “And I suggest you leave, Rachel. You don't want Mariah to find you here. She is going to really kill me this time.”

That sent cold tremors dancing down my veins. It felt so damn cold, like I was suddenly thrown into a freezer. Him too. How does Mom manage to have both of them around her fingers?

“Are you also in love with her or afraid of her?” My chin was trembling as I asked. I grabbed tight at my chest as I felt the familiar ache clawing its way back into my heart, stronger and harder this time.

“No! And yes,” he said. His back was still turned to me. He seemed to be deliberately keeping his face from me. “Loving her is Draco's undoing, and being afraid of her, well…” He took his hands from Martin and threw them in the air. “...I am guilty of that too. She threatened us, you see. And I am afraid she might try to carry out that threat. She is that crazy. Crazier than Draco, if I may say. That was what surviving in the Tinirello's estate made her into. She believes she is doing this to protect you. And she would do anything to protect you from us if she believed we were the enemy,"

“So what are you suggesting now?” I asked, my voice was so low, I almost couldn't hear myself.

He paused for a moment, his fingers frozen on Martin’s diapers. He resumed almost immediately. “That we stay away from each other until Draco is able to grow some balls and talk some sense into her. I have tried to, but there is little I can do when the very man who should tame her is so in love and afraid of losing her that he has become a simpleton. She is his wife and his woman. He is the one in the best position to do that. Until then…”

I wasn't listening again. The ache in my heart had already consumed all of me. It muted every sound from my ears and blurred out every image from my eyes. My legs wobbled under me as I turned back to the corridor, dragging them over the tiles with me.

I had known my life was going to change with Mom’s return, but I didn't know it was going to be this much. That it was going to hurt as much as it does now. That the pain of losing Draco and Logan was going to consume me so much that pain became the only thing I could feel inside my heart.

My legs grew weaker under me. I almost collapsed against the wall. I slammed into it, resting against the wall so I wouldn't fall. I was like that for a while, my mind blank. I could think of nothing but pain—hard, excruciating pain that was tearing me apart from the inside.

I shook my head. Then I dabbed at my eyes with the back of my hands, cleaning off the tears that stained them. Crying was going to get me nothing but more pain.

If Draco and Logan were never willing to fight for me, then perhaps Mom wasn't wrong—perhaps they didn't love me as much as I believed they did. Perhaps—it was all a lie all along.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” The quote struck my mind again. And slowly, I began to ease away from the wall. Maybe that’s what I have to do. Change myself. Just like I did to fall in love with them. I had to do the same to unlove them. Then perhaps all this pain would stop.

I snapped straight to a strong posture. My jaw clicked set, my gaze pinned down on the long corridor stretching away from me. That was what I was going to do. I was going to change myself to unlove them, just as I made myself to love them. And the first thing to do was to leave.

I steeled some control into my trembling legs, and I walked down the corridor to my room. I pushed the door open with a force that rattled the whole room.

I grabbed a small luggage box from the closet. Moving fast and meticulously, I took my books and outlines from everywhere I had kept them in the room and stuffed them into it. Then a couple of clothes and some sandals.

When I had assured myself I had grabbed the barest minimum necessary for survival, I zipped up the pack. I leaned back, staring with my jaw set at the box. I nodded to myself with satisfaction.

At a thought, I dug into my pockets. I came out with just a few ten-dollar bills. My lips crumbled in slight distaste. I was going to need more. I snatched my purse, rummaging through it for more change.

My eyes fell on the plastic body of my credit card, the one I had been using before I met Draco and Logan. I locked the purse, snapping back to my full height. I still had some of my savings in it, enough to last me before I found my feet.

I slipped my fingers beneath the luggage box’s handle and heaved it up, dragging it out of the room with me. I climbed down the stairs, lugging it beside me.

I heard footsteps around me. I stared around as some of the maids pooled into the living room quietly, muttering to themselves.

One of them rushed through the sofas to me. A middle-aged maid I knew simply as Sofia. “Let me help you with the box,” she said.

I stretched my lips in a patronizing smile at her, jerking the luggage box from her reach. She wouldn't let me.

“Let me help you, ma’am,” she said, then her fingers clasped around mine on the handle.

“There is no need—”

She shook her head. “I insist you let me take it, ma’am.”

I looked into the resolve in her eyes. I couldn't win against it. I released my fingers from the luggage box, and she grabbed it, lugging it out of the mansion with her.

I followed quietly behind her. We were walking down the cobblestones of the walkway when a group of guards crowded us.

Their big, burly bulks formed a wall in our path. The fading glow of the disappearing sun reflecting on their large bodies. Behind them, the moon peeked out carefully, stealing away at the blueness of the sky.

The cool evening breeze trailed around us, sweeping the faces of the guards as it swept my lashes. The guards blinked their eyes on the luggage box and then on me.

“Do Boss Draco and Boss Logan know of this, Miss Rachel?” One of them asked.

I nodded gently, widening my lips to make them a rather stiff smile. I steeled my face more to make the smile stiffer. I feared they might glimpse my pain and become suspicious of my plan.

“I am sorry,” one of them said, eyes still jumping from me to the luggage box. He scratched his big head. “I’d have to confirm with boss Draco before I let you out. Miss Rachel.”

“Okay,” I said, then I nudged my jaw toward the mansion.

“But Mariah is with him.” I called her Mariah, since only a few of the maids and guards knew she was my mom.

The guard froze instantly, then he dropped back. Not just the maids were afraid of Mom; the guards were too. “And they are together in his bedroom. Disturbing them is the last thing you want to do.” I added.

The guards were literally shaking on their feet as they looked to Sofia for confirmation. Sofia looked at me. I gripped the hem of my dress tight as I held her gaze, my eyes intent on her.

Her lips eventually moved. She nodded in confirmation as she spoke, and I sighed softly so the guards wouldn't hear me. I shut my eyes tight for a moment as relief flooded me.

“Yes, she isn't lying. Boss Draco is with Madam Mariah. And Boss Logan is attending to the baby. They are all busy right now.”

The guards looked from Sofia to me. Then one or two of them grunted, and they parted for me to leave, their legs dragging with reluctance on the stone walkway.

After that, I had a smooth and free walk to the gates. I inhaled, taking in my last of the estate air—stuffy and cold, it bit down on my nostrils to my lungs. I exhaled as I crossed out of the estate finally.

I turned back for one final glance. My eyes roaming over the large, looming, and magnificent structure. The lights from the rooms downstairs flush out of the windows to stain the lawn in bright white colors.

I inhaled and exhaled again, longer this time.

When I first came here, I would not have believed I would miss it as much as I am doing now.

My breath caught when I saw a figure looming on the porch. Was it Logan or Draco? Was one of them coming to stop me? My heartbeat rose, my heart slamming against my chest. I squinted my eyes. It was too far to see clearly—but then I recognized the slim build, lanky arms—Cole.

The furious beating of my heart calmed. He hadn't told Logan and Draco about me leaving. But who knows? They might not be running down to stop me from leaving as I once thought. They might actually want me gone. I didn't trust anything anymore. I might as well have been living off a lie all this while. It was time I found myself.

“Thank you, Sofia.” I gave her a slow parting grin as I collected the luggage box from her.

I turned into the road to board myself a fare.

An hour later, I was slumping down into the bed in my motel room. A motel was the best I could afford. I didn't want to strain my pocket so fast. The mattress was a bit hard under me relative to what I was used to in the Biancardi estate. The walls were no better—stained and dreary. The room used a ceiling fan that rolled as if it had been waiting for a push all its life.

But I was used to this kind of life for it to bother me—used to being poor. I had been practically poor all my life, until I met Draco and Logan anyway. I smiled at the fan, sweat sticking my clothes to my skin. I’ll survive, as I have done for years.

My mind tried to drift to Draco, Logan, and Mom. But I wouldn't let it. I came here to forget them all, and that's what I am going to do. Shaking my head to keep off the thoughts of them, I jerked up from the bed, strolling to the bathroom to wash.

I stopped, frozen on my feet, at a knock from the door echoing in the small room.

“Who is that?” I called, turning to the door. But all I got was silence—long, loud silence—at first.

Then a low, brittle voice that I have come to recognize as the receptionist said gently, the voice shaking a bit. “It is the man at the desk.”

Calm washed through me then. I rose upright to my feet, strolling to the door. I turned the lock and pulled the door open.

Just as soon as the door squealed open, the receptionist staggered into the room. I shifted from the door before he could knock me down with him.

“Hello, darling niece,” I heard, and that sent cold shivers washing down my veins. I shuddered in myself, quivering as I lifted my eyes from the falling reception to him. His face frozen in a creepy, clownish smile that stretched his lips, the bastard—Luca Tinirello.