Chapter 11

The rest of the day passes in a blur. Luke has been gone for hours and Sam, after talking to Amy and Liv, totally disappears. I'm left in a limbo of sadness, doubt, and guilt. Only highlight to the day was Amy's reaction to finding out her brother was alive. As much as he didn't want me to go with him, I made sure I was in the room when he spoke to his sister. After getting over her shock, the joy in her voice was unmistakable. I think if it were possible, she would have hitched a ride on the radio waves to get here. Sam had been himself while carrying on the conversation with Amy, but now that it’s over, he's clammed up again. Giving me some shit excuse about needing to think things over, he'd gone off to sulk in a corner. How the hell had this day gone so wrong? And it’s made even worse by Luke's absence. If there was ever a time I needed his support, it’s now.

And the icing on the top of this shit cake? I’m the one stuck explaining and detailing everything that happened so far to Cooper. He attacks Sam's return with relentless questioning like I knew he would. And like me, he’s totally skeptical on the amnesia thing. He’s no more satisfied with their answers than I am. Plus, I have to listen to him rant about Gordon and Evie following us. Like I’m to blame for that? But I bite my tongue and take it because it’s Coop. As much as I’d like to argue with him, I don’t. Total respect.

After sulking myself for a bit, I decide to do something about the questions swirling in my head. The whole thing is driving me nuts. And if Sam isn't willing to give me any answers, then I'll go to the other person that can.

After asking around, I'm told where Melissa might be. I find her back in the fields, underneath the pine tree where we first saw them earlier today. Being as it's early evening, the rest of the workers are already gone...wherever it is they go. Mess hall, bunkhouse, not sure. But I'm glad she's alone. I don't want anyone else around for this conversation.

She glances up from the book on her knees at my approach and a look of panic distorts her features before she manages to conceal it. Why would my presence make her panic? Not like she has anything to hide, right?

“Hey, Melissa,” I say casually and flop down beside her in the shade of the tree. “Hope you don't mind some company.”

“Actually—”

“Good,” I cut short her reply. This is happening whether she likes it or not. “We need to talk.”

Her dark eyes flit across the field, and I can see the cogs turning. She's trying to think of an excuse. A chance to escape. I'm not about to let that happen.

“I'm really happy to see you guys back.” That part is true. I'm not lying. “But I'm damn curious as to where you all were. And I'm sorry but I can't wrap my head around this whole amnesia thing. You guys have to remember something. Where were you?”

I could have eased into this I guess, but I'm running out of patience.

“Why don't you ask Sam?” Her voice is a mere whisper.

“I did. And he's still giving me the cock and bull story he told us earlier. That you guys didn't remember us until you saw us. I don't believe that's true. I can see it in your eyes. You remember what happened. Don't you? No matter what Sam says, you knew us as soon as you saw us today. You remembered us long before we got here. So, if you knew about us and the Grand, why didn't you try to contact us? You must have people back at the Grand you consider friends and family. Why let us think you were dead when you've been here for the past three weeks?”

“I don't remember anything,” she answers stubbornly. “I didn't remember any of you until I saw you today.”

“We both know that's not true. You can tell me,” I say, keeping my voice gentle and trying to earn her trust.

“The last thing I remember is leaving the Grand on our mission and then waking up along the side of the road,” she repeats the line like it’s something she's practiced over and over again in her head.

“Think hard,” I urge. “There has to be more than that.”

“That's all there is.” She clamps her lips tight like she's refusing to say anymore.

“No, you're lying.” My patience has finally given out, and my voice hardens. “Now tell me the truth. We deserve to know the truth. The rest of your missing crew deserve to have the truth be told.”

“No...”

“The truth, Melissa.”

“I can't!” She flings the book my way, and it strikes me square in the chest. “We can't...I don't remember. Leave me alone.” Before I can stop her, she leaps to her feet and scurries away like the devil is on her heels.

I think about running after her. Maybe shaking her until the truth comes out. This not knowing is killing me. But I don't. Sam will tell me the truth when he's ready. He has to. I just hope it's sooner rather than later because the ideas growing in my head and gnawing at my brain are terrifying.

The thrumming of an approaching engine lets me know Luke and the rest are back, and I mentally gear myself up for the next conversation that I know needs to take place. Luke and I parted with some bad mojo earlier today. I don't like it. Something must be said.

I wander toward the army truck, watching as my crew unload what looks to be our intact supplies. Good. No one found them then. Not like there was much in Lake Haven besides leeches, but you never know who's traveling the roads. Better to be safe and bring them here until Badger is cleared to leave than just let them sit in that garage, free for the picking. Maybe Kip will be kind enough to add to our supplies. A few slices of bacon thrown in with some pears and cheese wouldn't hurt anyone.

As I get closer, I can hear the rumble of conversation along with a higher pitched laugh. Robyn. I'd know that cackle anywhere. She's standing in the rear of the truck, and I watch as she tosses Barney to Luke. Just the sight of her manhandling my bike causes irritation to start curling in my stomach. Luke catches it without effort and puts it to the side with the other supplies that Mike and Kelly are looking over. As he turns back to the truck, Robyn pretends to stumble off the tailgate, aiming straight for him. The move is deliberate, and she literally falls into his arms and they stagger back since Luke is unprepared to catch her. He trips over my bike and lands on his back, pulling Robyn on top of him. Face to face they lay there as I overhear her throaty apology.

“Oh, I'm so sorry. I tripped. Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” She runs her hands down over his chest and stomach, apparently looking for injury, because, yeah, falling on your back would injure the chest and pelvic area, right?

“I'm fine.” Luke responds. “You okay?”

I roll my eyes as I pull up beside them. Is he seriously falling for this?

“I'm fine now,” she purrs, and I swallow hard to stop myself from gagging. Or ripping her eyeballs out. I’m not sure which I want to do the most.

“You pull a groin muscle catching Bertha here?” I ask, interrupting their moment and staring pointedly at her hand uncomfortably near his crotch.

Both sets of eyes turn my way. I ignore the killing glare from one and concentrate on the cool aloofness of the other. I knew he’d still be upset with me, but that look is like a punch to the gut.

Luke rolls over her and leaps to his feet with all the grace of a sleek cat, pulling her with him. Her claws hang onto his arm long after they get to their feet, reminding me of some hybrid's talons. Sticking to him like glue. Staking her claim. She couldn't be any more obvious. He ignores my sarcasm.

“Anything happen while we were gone? Any miraculous memory returns?”

“Nope. Although I had to endure an hour interrogation from Cooper. Thanks for leaving me with that, by the way. I feel like I've been mind fucked.”

He shrugs. “Only right that you had to handle it. Sam's return is more your concern than mine.”

Touché.

We stare at each other in silence. I ignore the obvious interest of the two crew members now totally pretending to be focused on looking over the bikes. Their pretense of indifference is almost funny.

“I did have an interesting talk with Melissa.” I eye the brunette still attached to his arm before turning my attention back to him. “I'd like to talk to you about it, in private. If you're not too busy.”

“We are busy,” his barnacle confirms.

“I was talking to Luke.”

“I don't think privacy is necessary. Whatever you want to say to him can be said in front of us all. We are a team, remember?” Oh boy, she's not even trying to hold back. I guess Sam being back means it's open season on Luke and I don’t fucking like it.

“I don't recall asking your opinion,” I throw at her coldly. I eyeball Luke again. “She's making your decisions now?”

He sighs and removes Robyn's hooks from his arm. “Come on. Make it quick. I have things that need to be taken care of.”

I follow his broad back toward the field that I just came from, ignoring the stare piercing my shoulder blades like a knife.

He stops by a towering pine, out of earshot of the others, and leans against it with his arms and legs crossed. His hair is disheveled from his romp on the ground with Robyn, and I stop myself from reaching out and adjusting it. Like I normally would have done before today. The brown eyes that used to regard me with amusement or desire are guarded now like he's already building this wall between us. Protecting himself from unavoidable hurt. The look wounds me to my core.

“Spill it. What's so important you had to drag me away?”

Now that I have him here, I'm not quite sure what to say. To be honest, Melissa told me nothing. She denied my accusation and told me the exact thing Sam did. Yet I feel her unsaid words spoke volumes. I just don't know if I'm ready to express my gut instinct to Luke.

“First, I need you to be honest with me. I know Sam isn't your favorite person at the moment. That ghost you always said came between us is now back in the flesh, so I understand you’re not happy with him being here. What I don't understand is why you don't believe him. Why is it so hard for you to believe they have amnesia? What makes you think they stayed away from us and the Grand on purpose?”

I don't know why I ask him that since I think I already know the answer. I guess I just need to hear him say it.

“You know why, Bix, so why you even asking? They were missing for eighteen months. You expect me to believe they remember nothing from that time?”

“If it's what they say, then maybe we should give them the benefit of the doubt.” I can tell my words fail to convince Luke.

“You don't believe a word coming out of your own mouth. Who you trying to convince? Me or yourself?”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Dammit. Why is he always able to read me like a book?

“I think...I think you're right. I spoke with Melissa, and I think they're covering up where they've been and what happened to them, but the question is why?” The confession comes out of me in a rush, but Luke doesn’t bat an eye.

“Why do you think?” he asks.

I turn my gaze from him and look over the fields on the other side of the fence where the leeches shamble about, enticed by the smell of animal blood and entrails. The sight of them makes my blood run cold, and I don't want to say what's in my head. Like saying it out loud will make it true and I don't want it to be true.

“I don't know,” I whisper.

“Yes, you do,” he insists.

“But they seem fine. I don't know why they're lying.”

“Admit it, Bix.”

“Ugh. It's not fair.” My whine sounds childish, even to my own ears. “We got them back. I should be ecstatic. Everything should be perfect.”

“But it's not. You know something's wrong. You can sense it, same as me. Admit it.”

“Why do you want me to fucking say it?” My confusion and hurt manifests as anger like always. “You already know what I'm thinking. Why do you want me to say it?”

“Because admitting it is half the battle.”

“Fine,” I huff my response. Hands on my hips, I stare past Luke's shoulder as I gather the thoughts in my head. Trying to make them coherent. “I think they were captured when they disappeared, held in those pods like the people in the warehouse we found. What else would explain their disappearance for this long? They've been alive all this time and haven't made their way back to us? Something extremely drastic kept them away, and for some reason, they don't want us to know that. Makes sense, right?”

I glance back at him with huge eyes, and his silence gives me all the answer I need but not the answer I want. He agrees with me. I let out another heavy sigh and wrap my arms around myself as we go quiet once again, absorbing the ramifications of my statement.

“Could be that,” he says finally. “Or maybe they ran off together. Him and Melissa. Maybe they left on purpose. You ever think of that?”

I stare at him like he's just grown another head.

“What the hell, Whitman? I'm finally admitting what I know you're damn well thinking, and you throw that curve ball at me?”

“So you don't think that's the scenario?”

“No, I don't think that's what happened at all. Sam wouldn't do that. Not to me and especially not to Amy. He wouldn't put her through that. Plus, that theory does nothing to account for the rest of his missing crew.”

He nods. “Totally agree. Just checking to see how clearly you're thinking on this. Your first scenario is my belief too.”

“Fuck.” That one muttered word conveys all the unfairness of this totally messed up situation.

“You know what that also means,” he says, breaking the silence. “They're most likely infected—”

“No,” I interject fiercely. “You don't know that.”

“Bix—”

“No. They look nothing like the hybrids from St. Joseph’s. They don't look any different at all. They've been here for three weeks and have shown no signs of infection.”

“You're not thinking rationally because it's Sam.”

My snort is harsh. “Bullshit.”

“You know what the docs said. Anyone held in those pods are already infected and will evolve, just like the ones we found.”

“They don't know that. It's just a guess on their part. They all but admitted they encouraged the mutation at St. Joseph’s by interfering. Maybe Sam and Melissa and the others were infected, but the parasite somehow died? I mean, there’s gotta be a reason why they managed to escape, right? Why they still aren't in those pods undergoing mutation? Maybe something in the process fucked up.”

I expect him to argue my point more, but he appears to be considering my words.

“Maybe. If that’s where they've been all this time, then yeah. Something had to have gone wrong for them to be out and unchanged.” He runs a hand through his tousled hair, messing it up even more. “Fuck. Why won't they tell us anything, though? Why the big secrecy?”

“Why do you think? If you've been exposed to what they've endured these past few months, would you want anyone to know you're possibly infected? Barring our personal interest in this, what is your gut instinct to do with them right now?”

His brown eyes stare into mine. “You know what I would do. Eliminate any threat.”

I meet his gaze. “Mine too.” Can't believe I'm even agreeing with him on this, but I am. “But the thing is we don't know if they are a threat. We can't be sure. We need to be sure, Luke. I need to be sure. I can't lose him again...”

My voice dies off as my careless admission transforms Luke's face and shuts him down. Crap. Foot in mouth syndrome hits once again. Why am I so prone to it? A curt nod is his only answer.

“So, what do we do now?” he asks.

That's the question of the century. “I don't know,” I whisper.

“We should let the others know. Let Cooper know. They can help us decide.”

“No.” My objection is swift and shrill.

“Bix, they deserve to know.”

“Know what? We don't know anything. We can't prove anything. What we would be telling them is pure conjecture.”

“I disagree. There are too many what ifs. This could go so wrong.”

“No, Luke. Please, not yet. We need to know for sure. We need to give them the benefit of the doubt. Sam would do the same for you.”

“Well, I'm not Sam!” Luke's voice rises and falls in an instant. He glances around, checking to see if anyone noticed his outburst before taking a calming breath. “I'm not the fucking almighty golden Sam, okay?” Hurt colors his quiet voice.

My throat constricts with my own pain. “I'm sorry. I'm not comparing you. I just meant—”

“I know what you meant.” His gaze hardens, and I know the look. End of discussion. “I believe the right thing is to let everyone know. I don't like keeping secrets, and I think you’re being totally fucking selfish in this. But I won’t say anything to the others. Not yet. I don’t want to upset them and jeopardize the mission. Not until we get back to the Grand. Then we come clean to Coop and let him and the council handle it. In the meantime, you think about what I said. Maybe you'll come to the realization that you're thinking with your heart instead of your head. You always did have fucking blinders on when it came to Sam. And admit it; even with all we've been to each other this past year, you still feel the same about him. Nothing has changed. You've already made your choice.”

My mouth snaps shut, caging any admission. But he doesn't need to hear it to know.

As if my silence angers him, he turns on his heel and leaves me standing alone under the pine. I watch him leave, my eyes following his broad back across the open field as a sharp pain burrows its way through my chest. I hate myself for hurting him. He doesn't deserve it. And he certainly as hell doesn't deserve to love someone as fucked up as me. These past few months, he has brought so much more to our time together than I ever could. His love has been absolute and completely laid bare for me to see. Without reservation or doubt, while I always held a part of me back. Watching him walk away kills me, but I know it has to be this way. Even though it feels like I've lost him forever, like I've lost my only chance for happiness, I need to let him go. It's not fair to any of us. We will never be the same now. I know it. Would it have been different if Sam hadn't come back into our lives? Would Luke and I finally have made it as a couple? I guess we'll never know. One thing is for certain. Whatever we had together is gone now. We will never be the same.