Chapter 79
Friday May 15th
Babies grow so quickly!
It feels like yesterday that I bought Katy 3-6 month baby gros. And she’s nearly too big for them.
The 6-9 month ones are too big, so it’s either squashed toes or great big long snoopy legs.
Keep meaning to adjust the stroller straps too. They’re getting a bit tight, but they are so FIDDLY! I can’t work them out. I can’t work out the bottle warmer or the car seat either.
I used to be GOOD at practical stuff. What happened? Are all baby devices just stupidly complicated? Or have I lost a lot of brain cells?
Saturday May 16th
Did the wedding dress rehearsal today. In the church.
Since Nick pretty much chose my wedding dress, I thought I might as well rehearse in it. The more I practice wearing it, the less chance I have of falling over.
All my bridesmaids were there, except Sadie. She met some theatre director last night and ended up on a yacht in Richmond.
Brandi was hung over. But she held it together pretty well. She picked the wrong underwear for her bridesmaid dress, though – it really showed through.
When Helen saw that Brandi had rolled up her dress into a mini-skirt, her nostrils flared.
I thanked Helen for helping with the wedding flowers.
She snorted, ‘Lucky I helped. Or this churchcouldhave looked like your sister’s underwear.’
Brandi twiddled her neon-pink bra strap and said, ‘What’s wrong with a bit of colour?’
Sunday May 17th
After all this hard work I’ve PUT ON A POUND!!
Ugh.
Laura pointed out that I’ve lost a quarter of an inch around my waist and thighs, and I know that should cheer me up. But it doesn’t.
Laura said, ‘What would you prefer – a flatter tummy or numbers on the scale that no one sees but you?’
The stupid truth is I’d prefer numbers on a scale.
Told Laura in a sad voice that I’d never wear a midriff top again.
Laura said, ‘But you never did wear midriff tops.’
True. But I’d like the option …
Tuesday May 19th
Decided to try the Atkins diet today.
Had a plain omelette for breakfast with vegetables and lots and lots of oil.
It was alright.
But by lunchtime I was absolutely crawling the walls with hunger. I so did NOT want bacon or eggs or butter.
And then I made the mistake of going round Mum and Dad’s house so Mum could help me do the last of the wedding invites.
The fridge was full of old takeaways – egg-fried rice, sweet and sour prawn balls, slices of Domino’s pizza.
Decided I’d switch to calorie counting instead. But I have no idea how many calories were in that omelette this morning. So I’ll have to start again tomorrow.
Ate egg-fried rice, sweet and sour prawn balls and the last few slices of Domino’s pizza.
Wednesday May 20th
Started stupid, boring calorie counting diet. Now my head is full of numbers.
Who’d have thought a tube of Pringles would have so many calories?
Friday May 22nd
Weighed myself today, thinking all that calorie counting has probably shifted … ooo I don’t know, at least seven pounds.
But no. I have lost absolutely no weight at all. If dieting doesn’t work, what hope is there for me?
Phoned Laura.
She said that muscle weighs more than fat and I shouldn’t weigh myself until I’ve dieted for at least a week anyway. That made me feel better.
Phoned Brandi and she said, ‘That muscle and fat thing is a load of bollocks. Google it.’
I googled it and she was right. Muscle and fat weigh the same.
I asked Brandi if I looked any thinner to her. And she said, ‘Youcouldlook thinner if you let me straighten your hair. It’s not a good idea to have curly hair with a round face like yours.’
Saturday May 23rd
Wedding just over a week away!
There’s this thing going around Facebook called a ‘no make-up selfie’. You’re supposed to take off all your make-up and do a selfie looking rough.
Brandi volunteered me, but there’s no way I’m taking a close-up of my baby-worn face. No way.
Sunday May 24th
Made Nick promise to go on a bank holiday picnic tomorrow.
We can talk about the wedding day (not long now!) and plans for the future and get ourselves in a really positive frame of mind.
Ended up having to watch some boring war film as a bribe, but it will be worth it. Because tomorrow we’ll have a lovely family picnic at Hyde Park, and talk about our wedding day.
I’ve even bought a wicker picnic hamper with chequered cloth inside and little elastic loops for cutlery.
Monday May 25th
Spring Bank Holiday
Baguette, wheel of brie, Kettle Chips, bottle of elderflower water – all packed into our new picnic hamper.
And it poured with rain.
Nick thought it was hilarious.
He sat on the sofa all day eating Kettle Chip and brie sandwiches, watching theWizard of Ozand saying, ‘Whoever cast the Tin Man is awanker. He so can’t act.’
Wednesday May 27th
Counting the days until the wedding now!
All my friends keep nominating me for a no-make-up selfie.
Thursday May 28th
Had a brainwave! Put up a picture of Taylor Swift as my no-make-up selfie. Hopefully, everyone will think it’s funny and not bother me to do a real one.
Friday May 29th
25 comments on my Facebook page telling me off for my Taylor Swift picture.
Put up a real picture of my tired face.
Got a load of lovely comments telling me how beautiful I look without make-up. Awwww…
Monday June 1st
THIS MONTH I WILL BE A MARRIED WOMAN!
Katy will finally have a mum and dad with the same surname.
Ah, poor Katy.
She just couldn’t sleep last night.
I think she was over-tired. The only way I could get her to nod off was walking around the room making Darth Vader breathing noises and bending my legs in time to the Hokey Cokey.
Tuesday June 2nd
Morning
Less than a week before the wedding and I’ve put on two pounds.
Fucking hell.
This week I am going to be ruthless. I will eat nothing. I will purge. I will not give in. And by my wedding day I will have lost at LEAST a stone.
Beyonce lost a stone in a week on some maple syrup diet. Imagine how much weight I’ll lose if I eat nothing at all.
I can do this. I know I can.
No food. Not a morsel will pass my lips.
Afternoon
I can’t do this. It’s ridiculous to starve myself.
I’m just going to eat sensibly and do lots of exercise. Exercise is the key.
If I run every day this week I’msureI can lose a stone.