Chapter 36: Bull
When Bull made it home, he went online to browse for places to take a quick getaway. He browsed looking for anything in the wilderness so he could have solitude. He didn't want to be around a bunch of couples asking what brought him there. "Maybe a cabin in the mountains but the prices are pretty damn steep," Bull said spiraling tirelessly further down the rabbit hole of clicking link after link.
After Bull came upon a list of jobs about National Forests, he hit something that piqued his interest; a site about fire lookouts, spending roughly three months at a time during forest fire season posted at lookout stations. What ended up interesting Bull was the focus of being able to cope with solitude the position stressed in bold letters. The lookout was expected to live deep in the woods only allowing him to go into town ever so often.
While it was tempting, Bull exited the website, realizing that the whole idea of dropping everything to live alone in the forest and watch out for forest fires, seemed too lofty and difficult to explain to the others. Bull closed his laptop and laid back. The ceiling widened out bare white above him and if he stared at it long enough, its popcorn bubbling texture would pop out as pictures his mind would create, resembling constellations. Bull fell asleep dreaming about being on a wrap-around porch of a cabin, looking up at the stars with Serena.
* * *
As the week went on, Bull started considering the whole idea of leaving town. Serena begged him to come have lunch with her, reminding him how much she missed her confidant displaying some urgency of their last real conversation. However, Bull during his free time found himself on some dot gov site looking through maps and forms about fire lookout positions across Northern California.
He found what he's looking for on the border of California and Oregon, sitting on the edge was a small mining town. It sounded completely insane and if Bull can register early enough, he'd be okay. But his heart sank when he realized the application submission was nearing to the deadline.
How would Randy feel about Bull leaving? Only Bull knew best but believed Randy would be more than happy to hold his position for him until he got back. However, Bull was thinking about not coming back. What he needed to do next was tell his Captain or at least drop little hints that he's thinking about taking an extended leave of absence. He talked with his EMTs Dustin and Ray, and anyone else who would listen about wanting to get out to be around nature, go camping or similar. He became less secretive about his research, leaving tabs in the open on his computer when he took bathroom breaks. He wanted to soften the blow as much as possible for his friends and colleagues.
* * *
The day Bull had broken the news to Randy, he got a real taste for how ridiculous the proposal sounded. He stood in front of Randy, watching him shake his head. "I don't know Bull…I don't get it. My best firefighter wants to go up to God-damn Oregon for three months…to see if trees catch on fire?"
Bull frowned and Randy tried to find some common ground, "Just, help me understand where this is coming from Bull? You've never mentioned wanting to do anything like this." Randy leaned back in his chair and pushed his hair back, out of his face, his eyes glowed with the blue light of his computer screen.
"I love being here with you. I love the station, Randy. I love my work," Bull said. "We've been putting out fires and saving people's lives for more than ten years now, and it's good, but I need to see who I am outside of this." Bull began sobbing. His voice became scratchy.
Randy pressed the heels of his palms hard against his eyes, trying to hold back the well of tears pressing at his eyelids. "I knew something was wrong. I just thought we could get through it together," Randy said.
Bull's breath hitched and he put out his arms as he walked around Randy's desk. Randy stood up to meet him and Bull pulled him into a long hug, resting his face against Randy's chest. Randy's body is so naturally solid and comforting, making Bull feel all the more guilty. Randy noticed a problem in Bull that he can't diagnose and he wanted so badly to fix for him but to do so he would have to separate himself from Serena and the station. Bull knew he could never ask that of Randy.
"It won't be long, Randy. It'll be for three months and I'll be back. Hopefully, I'll come back stronger. I want to be a better person," Bull said.
"What if you don't come back though? What if you're out there and you decide you can't do this anymore?" Randy said, "That's what this is about right, making peace with yourself?" Randy thought this was about Bull questioning if he wanted to keep being a firefighter, that that's what Bull has to let make Randy think. He couldn't tell Randy the truth.
"I'm going to come back. No matter what, okay? We're best friends and firefighters; that will never change," Bull said rubbing Randy's back. Randy squeezed him a little tighter and nodded.
* * *
They told the others together and Dustin was supportive of Bull's decision. He recalled to Bull how critical his mental health was after spending time away in France on a retreat. Dustin told Bull spending some time around nature will really turn his attitude around and help him clear his head. Meanwhile, Randy tried to extend this sense of positivity in the face of a grave situation to his girlfriend, Serena, who seemed all but depressed these days.
Serena knew the rift between her and Bull was growing deeper by the day. Now, knowing that he's going to be away for three months would feel like he's just drilled a canyon between them. Serena spent strenuous hours these past weeks pursuing Bull, trying to get her best friend back, reeling in a line she worried she had cast too far. Suddenly, it's beginning to feel impossible. Serena determined that it might be in her best interest to stop trying, and maybe if she just walked the other way, Bull would come back better. It's been emotionally draining, as she started to see Bull even less than before and what's worse is Bull didn't even seem to notice the difference.
It was like Bull bounced back now that his plans are known. He waxed on happily to Ray and Dustin about the application process, about how kind and sharp his new boss appeared to be. Bull emailed the park warden, telling him that he was not particularly interested in having to take hikers to his tower on tours. "You're looking to be posted in the Hardy Tower, then," Bull's new boss, Park Warden Bradshaw said on the phone in a thick midwestern accent that seemed misplaced. After hanging up, Bull told his current EMT, Ray, that the Hardy Tower was an isolated place, harder for hikers to access, so he'd have some peace and tranquility. Bull also told Ray that because of this, the connection between them might be limited until he can get to in town.
"No problem, bud. We'll see you soon." Ray said.
Bull jumped when he heard something slam against the table behind them. Bull barely caught Serena's blurry form marching fast from where she sat at the main table in the center of the fire station. Bull tried calling after her but she was too fast, going to the back room and slamming the door behind her. Ray looked to Bull, and Bull just shrugged even though he's sure why Serena stormed off.