Chapter 37: I miss you

I didn't want to get out. I fully refused. The last time I was here, was with my mother's funeral. I avoided the cemetery, even when we used to stay close. My door suddenly opened, my dad stood in front of me holding out his hand to me. "Come on, kiddo." He said his voice sounded like he was soothing a damn cat who was ready to attack. I shook my head rejecting him. "It has been five years, Sasha. It's time that you see her."

"I can't." I answered. "Why, because you are afraid that you will drop your walls and show the world the pain that you have been carrying around all these years?" He questioned. "No one will see you as a wimp." He spoke the words as if he knew me, they slipped right out of his mouth. "I'm not afraid of what the world thinks of me, they can go screw themselves." I answered still refusing to get out.

"Is that so? Because from where I'm standing it looks otherwise." I let out a breath and got out of the car. The ground underneath my feet moved, I closed my eyes as I realized it was my legs shaking. My dad took hold of my hand as he noticed. Together we made our way down the small paved road towards my mother's grave.

I kept my eyes trained on the light coming from my father's flashlight as we passed all the other graves. The way he walked made me see that he knew his way, he could do this blindfolded. I raised my eyes when we came to a stop. At first, I was astonished by the sight of my mother's grave before the tears slowly made their way. This was the reality, she was gone and she was never coming back.

I looked at the grave in awe, there were two huge Angel wings placed behind her grave. They were painted with white and gold. My mom's name was engraved on the right side. I watched as my father bent down to place the flowers on her tombstone. "Hey, love." I heard him greet as he touched the tombstone. "I brought you a surprise." He then looked at me. He seriously can't expect this from me. I wanted to turn and run away, but something kept me rooted.

"They are beautiful." I pointed to the Angel wings. "She used to love Angels, always said that they are brushed with gold dust and that their wings are gold." My dad nodded. "That's why I got them made." He said standing back up. "I also know about the tattoo on your back with her name." I pulled up my shoulders. "Her name is written in her handwriting, it is a piece of her that I can always keep with me."

"I'm not mad about it." He said dusting off his hands. "It wouldn't have mattered if you approved it or not." My dad smiled. "I caught you two in the act when she wrote her name on your back. I put the pieces together and knew what you had in mind."

"She passed away three days later." I muttered looking away. He nodded. "I know." He was there when she blew out her last breathe. There was nothing he could've done. Her body was tired, she was tired of the pain and lost the battle. "What are we doing here, dad?" I asked trying to hide the quiver in my voice.

"I need you to see that I haven't abandoned or replaced her."

"But, you've abandoned me." My father looked startled with my remark. "You weren't there to buy me food, buy me clothes, help me with my homework or stop me from making the biggest mistake in my life." I referred to quitting hockey. "I was so lost and you didn't even see it. I was a bigger mess after her funeral than finding out that she has been sick her whole life! And you kept it from me!" I yelled the tears flowing with each scream.

"I couldn't look at you."

"Stop! Just stop making up excuses! I had to live with myself to look in the mirror every day and see her! Only that it wasn't her, I was looking at, but it was me!" I stopped hiding the pain away from him. I made him see just in what kind of pain I was in. "And then you expect of me to bless your new marriage with Meredith after you left me?"

"How can you expect something like that?"

"You don't me to get married to Meredith?"

"When have I ever given you the intention that I blessed your marriage?" He looked at me. "But you and Jonah."

"Dad, he is a kid. He saw me as a big sister, he was afraid just like me. I gave him something that you didn't give me. I gave him hope, love, and trust."

"And he needed a father figure. After what Meredith went through..." I couldn't even say it. "All I want from you is to treat me like I'm your daughter. Include me in decisions like this. Be part of my crazy teenage years, give me shit about my grades, and complain about my hair." My dad actually smiled. "There is absolutely nothing I can do to make you change your mind on your hair and taste in style." True.

"But, you are my daughter and you have never disappointed me. I never loved you any less. Going home without your mother was hard and I couldn't show you my weakness. You needed me strong."

"We could've made it through together. Made one another strong. But, then you brought her home..." I looked away from him.

"You want me to end things with her?" He asked. "No. You need her. She gave you a second look at life, she gave you hope, and fed the love back into your system. And Jonah needs you too."

"What about you?"

"I just need you." He then overwhelmed me in a hug and held me there to sob and get rid of all this hate and pain that I've consumed over the years. "I don't know what to do from here." I heard him say. "We take it one step at a time, even if it is one minute, one second or one hour at a time." He nodded. "You are my everything, Sasha. Never forget that." My father said.

I looked at my mother's grave and left the embrace of my father. I crouched down in front of her grave and brushed my hand over the letters. "I miss you mom." I whispered, a fresh tear escaping from my eye. "And you will be always missed." I felt my dad's hand on my shoulder. "Bye, mom." I stood up and walked away with my father.

Each step felt harder than the other, and for a moment I imagined her saying my name with a goodbye. I turned around to look, but I just imagined myself. I continued following my dad back to the car. I got into the passenger side and looked through the glove department for a tissue to wipe off these tears.

"Here." My father handed me a box. "A box?" I asked amused. "Sometimes it gets hard and I can't have the work see me as a wimp." He said with a wink. "Of course not. One tear and there goes all your bonds." He chuckled and put the car in drive.

"Why didn't you tell me that you started playing again?" My father asked when we got onto the high road. "How did you find out?" I asked. "No one told me if that is what you are asking." I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I saw for myself. I went to pick you up from school, I wanted to surprise you when I saw you out on the field playing hockey."

"Brandon, saw you didn't he?" I asked.

"He did, but I begged him not to tell you that I knew. I wanted you to trust me and tell me at your own time."

"I didn't know if you would've believed me after everything I've done." He nodded. "I understand, I'm just glad that you found your way back." I nodded and looked out the window. I ignored my father's phone ringing. "Meredith?" He answered. "What? Hold up, honey. What's wrong?" I felt the hairs in my neck rising with each word. I looked at my father trying to figure out what was going on.

"Put him on the phone, honey." Him?

"Brandon." My father said into the phone. Brandon??? What the hell is going on? "Son, hold on. We are on our way." My father hung up and pressed his foot down on the accelerator making us go faster. "Dad, what is going on? Why did you speak to Brandon?" What was he doing at our house?

"Put on your seatbelt." He answered not looking at me. I obeyed and strapped on my seatbelt. "Dad, please answer me." I was scared.

"Meredith was attacked, Brandon was there and he intervened. He got injured." I didn't know if I should scream, cry, or punch out a window. And the look on my father's face didn't make things easier.