Chapter 21

She wanted to wrap her arms around him, tumble onto the dirt with him, and not stop until they were both naked and entangled with each other.

Everywhere.

He was still watching her, and she could read the turbulent desires rocking through him in the ever-changing micro-expressions that crossed his face. Most important—the one underneath everything else, she knew—was for her to be well. Safe.

She could see that clear as day. Indisputable. It warmed her, touched the buried parts within her. Whispered them to life.

Yeah, it was true. No doubt he’d sacrifice himself in a split-second decision for her if it would give her life. He was just that way with those he loved.

But if things went south, they were in deep trouble. Both of them.

As she watched him, the strong cut of his shoulders, that proud silhouette, something stirred in her. His face—that expression of unabashed caring. As if he saw deep within her, the good things and the bad, recognized them both, yet still measured her as worthy.

It was all there, and as she took it all in, the truth hit her.

God, she loved him. Had always loved him.

But that wasn’t enough. Something else—the glaring past—had to be sorted out before things were sorted between them. Even if she loved him—and hell, she’d never stopped loving him, it seemed—there was no getting around it.

And that was exactly the problem. No matter how much she loved Dare Logan, she still didn’t know what had gone down three years ago. And unless they faced it together, she couldn’t go on pretending with him. Just couldn’t.

Regardless of the danger they were in right now.

His lips drew her into an easy kiss. Feeling the fire just beneath the surface, her mind warred with her heart. His warmth, his taste. Easy as it would be to succumb right now, she had to clear her headfirst.

Her mind won, and she pulled back, the taste of him still clinging to her lips.

He reached over to pull her down onto the thin fabric of the shirt beside him. Gave her that look of sexy desire, and she’d usually said yes with her body. So many times.

But as much as she wanted to, no.

She stayed exactly where she was, even though he tugged at her playfully. She wobbled as he shook her lightly, teasingly.

But…no.

“I’ll never, ever forget what you’ve done for me, Dare. Coming back through that mess…”

Her voice broke, and her resolve almost weakened. No one had ever treated her like he did, and it made this next bit that much harder. But if she didn’t face it, it would only keep rearing its ugly head.

“But there’s something we do need to talk about.” She stared at her toes, stroking the rumpled-up shirt with them. “A bunch of things, actually.”

Dare looked for all the world like he was settling himself in for some short-term pain. But he fortified himself admirably. “Shoot.”

“Okay, so you seem to think we’re…okay with each other again, for the long haul. Buddies.” She flinched at using McMaster’s lingo, but it had popped out.

He snorted. “Hell, no. Buddies are for neighborhood watches. They’re for scarfing beer and catching football games. I don’t think we’re buddies at all.” His expression darkened, and the look of hunger on his face twisted her insides.

His gaze licked over her and the hairs on the nape of her neck prickled. “Let me be straight. I think we’re boyfriend, girlfriend. Me Tarzan, you Jane. In love and each other’s lifelong sexual addictions.” His lips curved into a dangerous smile. “Lovers. Forever.” Desire narrowed his eyes. “That’s what I think. You?”

Hell if he didn’t make need thrum in her, simply the way he said those things. His intensity, his focus. Those sexy words dropping from his lips.

And a bit of wonder poked in through the strong feelings his words wrought in her. She never thought she’d be someone’s lifelong sexual addiction. The term flooded through her, piled fuel on the greedy fire that she kept pushing back.

He looked like he could eat her up and never be satisfied. Never stray from her side.

But he had strayed. Just like her father had said he would.

Oh, she’d discounted the warning, positive he was wrong. Old-fashioned. Out of sync.

But the man who measured everything with status and dollars and cents had been right, she thought, as the familiar dullness moved within her. So terribly, horribly right. And she still remembered the searing pain that had morphed into a dull angst and never left her chest.

You’re convenient, sweetheart. And rich. If you weren’t so convenient, he’d move on. It’s not about you. It’s just that you’re here.

And…we’re filthy rich. We have business around the world. Europe, Asia. New York. Hong Kong.

She’d insisted that Dare and her were a team. That a separation would only draw them closer. Despite the words she’d carelessly tossed out about needing time. Taking a break.

Then, to come home and find what she’d found…

She leveled a look at Dare as she steeled her guts to take whatever was coming, even if it pierced her newly found hopefulness. She wasn’t taking anything for granted anymore, ever again.

The price she’d paid last time was too bloody high.

As her hand drifted to her belly, as it still did in times of stress, profound sadness mingled with long-repressed anger at the injustice of what had gone down spiked in her.

“Whatever’s bothering you, we can talk about it.”

She pushed away the dark thoughts, and drawing in a deep breath, started. ‘Whatever’s bothering me? Do you think the way we ended our relationship before was normal?”

Dare blinked. Ah. She’d caught him off guard.

She steeled herself and forced the words out steady. “There was nothing normal about it. I want to know why you didn’t call when I moved to New York. I know you said you were pissed, but that bad?” The pain of the long-ago time amplified in her and the words rushed out. “You knew I didn’t have my parent’s support, and you’d always been there for me before. Especially if they were against me. Then…nothing.” She jutted her chin out to give herself strength. “I ended up on my own. Dumped. And I want to know why.”

The words hurt to say, but they hurt worse inside. They’d bounced off her guts like buckshot, demanding to be spoken for years. The old anger flickered in her too, but quickly gave way to the chief emotion she’d thought she’d buried deep in all this mess.

Pain. Sadness.

She was so sad, underneath it all. And yes, she felt stupid. Had, ever since.

You didn’t do that to people you loved. To someone you needed on every elemental basis known to man. You got in touch with them. You called. You stood on the sidewalk staring up at their window bellowing their name as the rain pelted you in the face.

Didn’t you?

She could see the look of pain wash over his face. It was clear he didn’t want to say.

And with that, her feelings began to free-fall. But she pulled them back, determined to stay level throughout whatever happened and get the answers she needed, no matter what she might learn.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “For crap’s sake, Dare, it can’t be worth hiding all this time! I’m not stupid. I’m all grown up. Just tell me already.”

He cleared his throat and gave her an odd look. “You’re right. It’s time you knew.”

Skimming his features, she watched for every reaction she could read and identify. Was he going to tell her about that night? About what he’d done?

He sighed, seemed to give in. “When we got together, there were a lot of differences between us. I suppose if you really looked at it, it was…”

Oh, good god. “You’re doing it again. Don’t manage me. Just tell me the truth!”

The kind expression collapsed, and a frown took its place. He snorted out a quick breath, and suddenly she was worried. Scared.

But it was better to know, even if it clawed her guts out.

Suddenly Dare’s breath was coming fast, in uncontrolled bursts, audible in the confined cavern. “Fine. You want to know what happened? What stopped me from running to New York, hell, on foot if I had to, to talk to the woman I loved? To bring her back, or at least work something out?”

She nodded, wordless.

“First of all, I know I’d been a jerk. But from my perspective back then?”

Yup. That’s what she wanted.

“You can’t know what it meant to me to have you in my life. Do you even realize?” His voice lowered as he searched her face intently, then expelled a breath. “No, of course you don’t.”

She bit her bottom lip. “And this would be in the tell me already category. We could get flooded in here anytime. The earth collapse on us. Are you waiting for that to happen so that you’re off the hook?”

He flicked an exasperated look at her. “Okay, I’ll spell it out for you. You’re rich. I was poor. And you wonder why I was so…” he searched for the words, then shrugged his shoulders mightily. “…incredibly blown away that a girl like you, who was so full of life, passion, and had the world at her feet to boot—wanted me?”

Narrowing her eyes, she kept a tight hold on her heart, which had clenched at the thought she had of him laying his guts out in the open.

He’d really felt that way?

He shuttered his eyes and shook his head. A faint smile dusted his face and he spoke slowly. “You really don’t get it, do you?” His eyes gleamed in the dim light as his hands found hers, his thumbs burrowing into the sides of her clenched fists, his big fingers covering hers. “It’s you. You’re life to me, Abby. When you’re around, I don’t care if you’re mad or pissed or happy or in a mad rush. I don’t care if you’re a slob or trying to get me to clean the house or if you even make sense. You don’t always, you know.” A distant grin touched his face. “I just care that I’m the one you come home to.” His eyelashes flickered roughly, then he fastened his gaze on hers, the hungry look overpowering. “That I’m the one you want.”

Well. The blast of emotion rocked her. And yet…

“Then why?” She shook her head. “I wanted you. Us. Why did me going to do the job I loved break us up?”

He grimaced, but kept his hands over hers, as if he needed the contact. “I didn’t think there was a draw for you.” When she stared at him, blinking, he abruptly pulled his hands away and sat back, putting distance between them. “I didn’t think I was good enough for you to come back to me.”

“Are you…serious?”

He rolled his eyes and laughed. She’d have thought he’d been practicing outdoing her legendary eye-rolls, it was that good. “Yes. I’m serious. After everything that’s happened, why wouldn’t I tell you the truth now?”

“But that’s stupid!”

He gave her a wry smile. “Not everyone thinks so.” And the way he said that…

She jutted her chin out, lips tight. “Who?”

Worry crept into his features, as if he was still intent on keeping something from her, and she sensed a diversionary tactic. “You could have anything you wanted, homes anywhere in the world. Vacations—umpteen times a year. Me…I was barely keeping an old wreck of a house heated. The furniture was lumpy, and it was decorated in hideous.”

A smile cracked over her face at that. “Yeah, that’s a perfect description.” Pleasure flowed through her, remembering the good times they’d had in that house. The lean times. They’d been awesome, so good, on one level. Hadn’t seemed lean at all.

“When you left, I thought it was for brighter pastures. You’d be making money, with your talent and crazy enthusiasm. Add your parent’s connections, and voila! I didn’t have anything to offer you. What did you need me for?”

He was holding out on her. She knew he hadn’t told her everything. And she was done.

If this was love, his brand of love for the long term, it wasn’t working for her. “If you’re not going to be honest with me and tell me everything, then forget it. I’m not interested.”

“But…”

She shook her head and a disgusted snort escaped her lips. “You think I’m playing games here? This mess has cost me more than you’d ever guess, Dare Logan. Way more. In ways that money couldn’t possibly ever make up for, not in a kajillion years.” She halted abruptly, clenched her eyes shut, and got her seething, ping-ponging emotions under control.

When she finally trusted herself to look at him, he was staring at her. Good. “If you think I’m going to be fine with you hiding anything from me, you’re dead wrong. Talk of love is easy.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Love or not…it’s not going to work for me.”

His posture stiffened, and a glare filled his face. “You want to know it all? Fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I won’t.” Yet a chill came over her nonetheless.

He grimaced. “I was a jackass, I know. But halfway through the month I had to come up and see you, no matter what. Fix things. But you didn’t leave me your firm’s address, did you? In your race to get to New York after our fight, you left that little task conveniently undone, didn’t you?”

He was right. She’d been mad and just left.

“Your freaking cell was disconnected, so I had no way to get in touch with you. I called your parents and left a couple of messages, but they didn’t bother getting back to me. So I finally had to go to their place and beg for your address. That was fun, let me tell you.”

Her voice squeaked a bit, but she felt bad in retrospect. “Sorry.”

“Fine. Well, I had no choice, so I did what I had to do.” He grimaced. “Your mother and father weren’t too concerned that you’d taken off on me, and both had the same message for me. Your mother talked at me at the townhouse, in that fancy sitting room they have. Your dad showed up a day later at my dump of a shack, to reinforce the matter, and a few days later, to collect your things. That was the sole amount of communication I had with them. They weren’t overly friendly.”

Her stomach spun crazily out of sync. “What?” Collect her things? She hadn’t asked them to do that.

His eyes stayed level with hers. “You want to know the message they passed on, Abby? The only message?”

She nodded, unable to say a word.

“Okay, then. Here it is. You’re rich. I’m not. They’re corporate Canada. I’m nothing but a laborer. Good hardy stock, meant for moving heavy things around.”

She gulped, hand on her throat, to ease the sudden dryness that clutched at her.

His nostrils flared as he spoke, and the words tumbled out, without any of his customary restraint. “They knew I loved you. They knew. For Christ’s sake, it was leaking out of my pores. I was such a loser, chasing after the girl I couldn’t have.”

He yanked himself up from the reclining position, sat cross-legged on the dirt and faced her. “You want to know what your mother quoted, Abby? The only thing? Here it is. ‘If you love something, set it free. Completely. If it comes back, it’s yours.’”

She winced. Oh no. They couldn’t have pulled that on him. On serious, proud, I-can-handle-anything-on-my-own, digging-himself-out-of-the-mire Dare.

His eyes narrowed as he fixed her with a focused glare, and in it she read his own version of her pain. “And if it doesn’t, Abs, with no pressure or undue influence, how does that go? If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t…?”

“It never…” A ragged exhalation. And the last word wouldn’t leave her lips.

Oh my god. They’d worked against her. Her parents had played their own hand into the troubles she and Dare had been having.

“Bingo. Was, Abby. It never was. Shit. I shouldn’t have listened to them. But it resonated with me, fool that I was. If you could have seen your face when you got that internship, the opportunity to learn in New York, with all the big shots in the photography business around you—man. You were so happy. You lit up. And it didn’t fade.”

He rubbed at the shirt on the ground, rearranged its hem. “That’s why, when I came to see you, I didn’t push.” A rueful smile raked over his face.

The revelation was a knockout punch to her gut. “I didn’t tell them to do any of that. God, Dare. I’d never do that.”

But it still made her sick, and she had to make him know what her intentions and her actions too had been. “I didn’t know. I was just sitting in NY missing you. Yeah, mad. But still. And stuff happened on my end too. There were reasons.”

“It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have listened to them.”

She remembered all too clearly moving like a ghost up and down Broadway, angry, alone and confused. The noisy street, the blare of car-horns through the air, the jostle of pedestrians. All of the activity blessedly numbing her. “I did speak to my parents once. Mom mentioned she’d seen you around town with some woman and you looked fine. Happy. But when I didn’t hear from you, I dug my heels in.”

“Yeah, well, when your dad came to get your stuff, he said it was on your direct orders.”

“He knew.” Her voice caught, but the anger in her gave her strength. “Dad knew. Once he collected my things, he knew you’d think…”

“I know, Abby. It’s what I did think.”

She clenched her eyes shut and focused on her breathing to deal with the monstrous feeling of betrayal. Her parents had lied to her.

“And there’s one more thing, Abs.”

She smiled a sickly smile, clasped her hands around her ankles as she hugged her knees to herself. “Oh joy.”

“I didn’t want to tell you this, but you want to know everything.” He shrugged. “Your mother led me to believe that you’d taken the internship to get away from me. To make an easy break, without having to make the effort it would take to shake me off. Seeing as I clung so much.”

Shaking her head, she willed the firestorm in her brain to quiet.

“And that, folks,” she said, the shock she couldn’t quite dampen creeping into her tone, “is what they call the piece a resistance.”

Dare reached over, placed his hand on her arm. “I know it’s awful, but it’s done. And much as I don’t want to say this, parents usually do asshole things like this because they love their kids. I know it sounds lame, but it’s the truth. I’m sure they thought they were doing what was best for you.”

She loosened the death grip she had on her ankles and stretched her legs out in front of her, moving them to get the blood flow back in them. “I can leave that for later, Dare. But it does underscore something big.”

Arching her back, she drew herself up to her full sitting height and took in a leveling breath of air. “Once I left for the internship, I had no shot at staying on their good side. And you know what?” She flicked at a stray bit of dried vegetation beside the shirt, sending it shooting across the cool earth as disdain spread across her face. “I decided I didn’t care if they like what I do. Or if they liquidated my trust fund, or disinherited me. I know who I am, and I can’t be happy as a corporate power type. It’s not me. I’m not going to litigate cases for people, half of whom I don’t even like, and the other half of whom are probably lying.” She regarded him with a wry look. “Somehow, at the moment, I’m not overly big on liars.”

Creases furrowed in his brow. “Disinherit you? What are you talking about?” His tone held kindness, as if he was cajoling her back from an outlandish plot twist, something that belonged in a bad B movie. “They’d never do that. You’re still their daughter. Their only child, don’t forget.” He placed a dirt-streaked finger under her chin and tilted her face upward, fastened his eyes on hers. “No matter what they’ve done, or what I’ve thought of them, they’re nuts about you.”

She looked into the eyes that were so encouraging, that even now were trying to inspire her with hope.

But he was wrong. Oh, so wrong.

“Oh yeah? Well, they did. All of that. If I continued in the internship, or with you, they told me not to bother calling them again.” She was vaguely aware of biting her lip, then she ran her tongue over it to smooth it out. “I’m officially not their daughter anymore.”

Dare blinked. He reared back, away from her. “You’re serious?”

The knowledge of it was like a lump in her gut. Though normally it was just a dull ache she ignored. “Oh, yeah. We haven’t talked in over three years. I called them every year on their birthdays, and at Christmas. I got the answering machine. I tried other times, too.” She shrugged, but her heart wasn’t in it. “No response. After that I decided, no more. If they want to call me, it’s on them. I’m done. No more groveling.” She shivered, with the remembrance. “It’s over, for good.”

The dull thought that if they were a normal family, she’d have been able to ask her dad for help for Dare’s business in the past ran through her mind. Connections, possible jobs. A helping hand.

Now too. She could easily have approached him for the connections Dare seemed to covet in Hong Kong.

But even if she and Dare worked things out—a big if—she’d never approach her father again. Ever. Would not. No more begging.

A lifetime of pain had set that in stone.

Dare pulled her to him suddenly, almost violently. Holding her close to his side, he squeezed her for more seconds than she could count. Then his knuckles rested on her cheek, just barely, and lightly skimmed up and down.

Dare Logan was petting her.

A bit of comfort rose in her. Yeah, it was lame but he meant it, and sharing the awful words with someone who’d known her when she’d had parents made it hurt worse and less, all at the same time.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” He swallowed audibly. “But you’ve done so well, without them. You used to be…kind of overly attached to them, y’know?”

She nodded. She did know. Even as she’d grown to teenage-hood, they’d been a weakness that could cut her off at the knees. And when she’d been sprinting to adulthood, the pain of their relationship had often imposed itself on experiences and growth that should have been joyous and life-affirming. Vibrant.

Instead of sucking every shred of life and happiness out of them.

“And now, well, here you are with a decent career, and a good portfolio. You seem to be doing just fine without them. I mean, not that you’ll have to do that for ever. I’m sure they’ll come around. But I mean… for now.”

She nodded, limp against his side. It did feel good to let go, once in a while.

He shifted, his arm encircling her shoulders, and pushed her gently away from him so he could peer into her face. “I don’t think you need anyone, Abby Haines. You’re one strong lady.” He grinned, tenderness softening the planes of his face as the glow of the light danced over his cheekbones, the sensual lips. “And a helluva shooter. No matter what anyone says.”

He was right. She was fine. Totally fine, on her own. It was a golden realization and one that was long overdue.

A huge, cleansing sigh emanated from deep inside her and she realized how she’d always been holding herself tight, fighting this battle within.

“Damn,” she exhaled, as clean, clear oxygen tingled her limbs and made everything seem to come to life. “That feels good.”

“Boy. I leave your life for three years, and look at what happens. What you accomplish, despite it all.” His fingers rose to stroke her hair. “If I had a daughter, I’d never do to them what they did to you.”

And with that, the perfect moment was guillotined in two.

Her shoulders tightened. She stiffened and moved away from him abruptly.

Realistically, she knew he hadn’t caused the problem with the baby. The doctor had assured her over and over that it wasn’t the fall. Yet, in her mind, they were mixed together. One moment she’d had a child growing in her, no matter how tiny. The next moment, after catching him bedding a stranger—nothing.

“Abby?” He raised his gaze to her with a question in those deep blue eyes.

Ice grew over her heart and whisked away the warmth she’d been feeling.

It was time to tell Dare Logan just what kind of a dad he’d been.