Chapter 30: It wasn’t easy.

Body Heat.

Hannah couldn't believe she was considering it. Nate had eaten, nakainom na rin ng gamot and back to his sleep. Pero nagising ito at nagchi-chill nang sobra. Pinatay na ng dalaga ang aircon. Dinagdagan na rin niya ang kumot nito. Sinuotan na rin niya ng medyas. But none of them seemed to work.

At ang tabihan ito at yakapin nalang ang huling paraan na naiisip niya. She would often do it with Elisha before. But that was Elisha, anak niya. Not the grown up super duper attractive man she's in love with.

Una, humiga siya sa tabi nito pero hindi siya umilalim sa kumot. For a while it worked bago mas lalo lang itong nagchill. So okay, she decided to give him body heat. She slowly slid herself in his blanket at niyakap ito.

Inisip na lang niya 'yong pagkakataon noon na pinatulog siya nito sa mga bisig nito when she was mourning for the loss of her father. Nate didn't leave her then and even made a way to bring back the smile on her face by bringing her to the beach.

Now was the time to repay his goodness. And maybe habang yakap-yakap niya ang binata, she could let him feel that leaving him three months ago was the toughest decision she ever made in her whole existence. Na hindi iyon madali. That it required all her will to keep her sanity intact.

Little did she know that he was affected as much. 'Yong mga sinabi nito kanina, did he mean all of it? Dinamdam nito ang pag-alis niya?

"Hannah," he stirred and said her name.

"I'm here, Nate," she whispered. "I'm not leaving you. Take your rest and recover fast, huh?" hinigpitan niya ang yakap dito as she felt her tears moistened up her eyes.

How long had she been wanting to hold him like that? To hug him like she'd never want to let him go? Make him feel how much she cared about him? This was her chance. She could do all of it and he would just think she's simply there to give him body heat. He would never know. He didn't need to know.

'I love you, Nathaniel Sarmiento,' she thought.

She never meant to sleep. Pero matapos mapagod at mapuyat sa pag-aalaga kay Nate, hindi niya namalayang nakatulog siya.

-----

Nagising si Hannah kinabukasan na. Wala na sa tabi niya si Nate. Mag-isa na lang siya sa malaki nitong kama. Nahihiya sa sariling bumangon siya at hinanap ang binata. She found him at the balcony. Nakatayo lang ito doon while looking at nothing in particular.

"G-good morning," she greeted awkwardly. "How are you feeling, Sir?"

"What are you doing here, Ms. Rodriguez?" He looked at her coldly. "Didn't I tell you to leave me alone yesterday?"

Maang siyang napatingin dito. Wala ba itong maalala? Worst of all, he wasn't thankful for what she did.

"W-well, I couldn't be rude and leave you when you were shaking to death–" she tried to reason.

"D*mn it, Hannah!" napasabunot ito sa buhok nito like he's so frustrated. "Listen to me, don't do it again. If I tell you to leave, just leave. I don't like it when you're trying to pretend that you care about me when in reality, you don't give a sh*t!"

"That's not true," halos mapapikit siya sa sakit ng dating ng sinabi nito, she wasn't pretending. Even if he's going to be sick again, hindi siya magdadalawang isip na alagaan ito ulit.

"Then what's true? Huh?" hamon nito.

"N-Nate," she fought her tears. "I care about you. I wasn't faking it."

"To hell with your lies, Hannah! Is that the kind of care when you would just walk out of everybody's life without thinking of the repercussions?" galit nitong sabi. "It would never be enough to make you stay."

"You were the one who told me that I cannot stay forever," she reminded him.

"I told you we're going to talk. But instead of waiting for me, what did you do?" May gumuhit na sakit sa mga mata nitong galit.

So heto na. Hannah thought that Nate was opening up on what happened after she left three months ago.

"I needed to leave. Hindi maiintindihan ni Elisha kung bakit mayroon siyang dalawang mommy pero isa lang ang daddy!"

"You underestimated Elisha's love for you, Hannah," he said bitterly.

"It's not only for Eli. I also did it for Olive. She needed that chance to be a mother to Elisha." Yumuko siya to wipe her tears. "It's for you too. It's for your family! S-so you can be together," she defended.

"What do you know?" Pagak itong tumawa. "You talk as if you know what's best for us. Family, huh?" Parang mapait na bagay iyon na lumabas sa bibig nito.

"You told me that once you find Olive, you will complete your family and it would leave me no place in Eli's life. That at some point I have to leave so you can be a family. That's exactly what I did."

"That was before. You never gave me the chance to take my words back," tumingin ito nang diretso sa mga mata niya and Hannah felt like he's trying to communicate something to her just through his intense gaze.

"You do not have any idea what we've been through while you chose to leave everyone believing we do not care as much about you," dagdag nito. "Elisha was confused and hurt. She had a hard time accepting Olive. She calls her mama just because she couldn't change the fact that Olive is her mother. She always asks me about you. She wanted me to find you. Do you even plan to show yourself to her again, Hannah?"

"O-of course," napapikit siya, how would she explain to him na natatakot siyang hindi siya mapatawad ni Elisha? "I- I probably would."

"You're such a liar," sarkastiko itong tumawa. "Who are you kidding, Hannah? I gave you three months. Three d*mn months! Did you make any move to see Elisha? No! If I haven't forced you to come back, will I even see you again?"

"I- I'm sorry," mahina niyang saad.

"I was wrong about you, Hannah. I thought you loved Eli to the core. I thought you cared enough to fight for her no matter what. But you chose to break her heart. But do you know what hurt me most?" tanong nito na bumitaw ng tingin sa kanya. "Yes, me. D*mmit! I was hurt!" he laughed dryly again like it was so stupid for him to have felt the pain when she left. "Because I thought you also cared about me. And we were on a start for something deeper in our relationship."

"N-Nate, I–" anong ibig nitong sabihin? Something deeper?

"I thought you're different. I thought finally, I've met someone who would really care. Who would look past my status. Who would look past what I can give." tumingin ulit ito sa kanya. "What could have possibly changed your mind, Hannah? Or was that all pretense? The care. The love. Was there even love?"

"I'm sorry," was what she managed to say, actually, she didn't know what to say. She was only aware of the tears that were uncontrollably flowing down her cheeks. What was he saying? Did Nate care about her too?

"Sorry?" Mapait na ulit nito. "You're sorry? Please, don't be. Because that's worse than telling me you didn't really mean everything you have shown." Tinalikuran na siya nito pabalik sa silid.

"No! Nate, wait!" Nilakasan niya ang loob. "I meant everything. Every single bit of it. There was no pretense. I couldn't have possibly faked everything, right? I truly cared about you and Eli. It was just that—"

"Cut the bulllsh*t! Get out, Hannah!" Taboy nito.

"But you h-have to listen. It wasn't easy for me either. I died when I left– don't blame me as if I wanted it so badly– as if it didn't hurt me–!"

"I said out!" Sigaw ni Nate, almost making her jump literally. "Get out!"

"Nate–"

"Out!"

She rested her case and went out crying hard. She could tell Nate she loves him and he wouldn't believe her. He thought she's a liar. A pretender.

What could have possibly changed her mind? Maybe she didn't leave then if he had told her he cared for her as well.

But was it too late now? Kung gano'n bakit pa nito pinakialaman ang buhay niya? Why did he still want her to come back when he would no longer believe her?

-----

Bumaba siya sa kwarto niya at nag-ayos ng sarili. Pero kakaiyak niya, sumisinghot-singhot na siya. Mukhang naging sipon na.

She changed into her working clothes then went back up.

"Hannah, Elisha and Olive are downstairs," salubong ni Sarah.

"What?"

"Do you want them to see you? If not, I suggest that you hide. They'll be here any second," nakatingin na ito sa elevator.

"Wait, what?" Hindi magsink in sa utak niya ang sinasabi ni Sarah until the elevator opened at iluwa noon sina Elisha at Olive. Mabuti at mabilis siyang naitulak paupo ng kasama niya bago ito lumabas sa area nila para salubungin ang mga bagong dating.

"Lola Sarah!" Narinig niyang bati ni Elisha in a cheerful manner.

Hannah put a hand over her mouth habang nakatago sa ilalim ng mesa niya. Her child's voice made her want to rush out from there and hug her tight. She fought a sob but her tears were already flowing generously on either side of her cheeks.

"Hi, baby!" Narinig pa niya ang matunog na halik na iginawad ni Sarah sa bata.

"Where's Nate?" Demanding naman na tanong ni Olive.

"I haven't seen him yet this morning," sagot ni Sarah. "But if he didn't go home, he's probably upstairs."

"Let's go to daddy, Lola!" si Elisha ulit.

"Yes, dear. Let's go."

'Elisha...' tahimik na hikbi ni Hannah. Bahagya siyang sumilip sa direksyon ng hagdan and that's when she saw her baby. In three months, she was only able to see her back. She stayed under the table while crying her heart out. Anyone who would see her would think she's crazy.

'Elisha... I missed you anak!'

Three months pa lang pero pakiramdam niya forever na ang lumipas mula noong huli niya itong makita.

'She always asks me about you. She wanted me to find you.'

Totoo nga kayang hindi ito galit sa kanya? Did she really underestimate Elisha's love for her?

"Miss na miss na kita, Eli," she cried harder.

"Hoy, Hannah," hindi niya namalayang nakabalik na si Sarah. "Tumayo ka nga riyan!"

"I miss my baby. I want to hug her, Sarah. I want to kiss her. I want to be her mommy again," she sobbed.

"Then why don't you do all of those? Nasa 'yo naman ang desisyon. I'm sure Eli misses you a lot too, Hannah. Now get up and fix yourself." Inalalayan siya nitong tumayo. "Tell me, were you with Nate last night?"

"He was sick. I took care of him," she smiled bitterly at the thought. "But he got mad. I don't know what to tell him anymore. I honestly, truly care about him, Sarah. But he won't believe me."

"He was mad alright. Actually, that's what he'd been trying to tell everyone. Na galit siya sa 'yo. But you see, since he laid eyes on you again, ayaw na niyang mawala ka sa paningin niya. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't need you here, Hannah. And yet kulang na lang itali ka niya sa baywang niya at isama sa lahat ng lakad niya. He was never like that with Olive. So, what I'm trying to say here is, be patient with him, Hannah," mahaba nitong sabi.

"How can I change his belief that I'm a pretender?"

"Come on, you can do it, Hannah. Show him your love— Hep!" pigil nito ng akma siyang magpo-protesta. "Don't ever try to deny na hindi mo siya gusto. Old maid ako pero hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ko kayang kilalanin ang mga tingin ng nagmamahal. And believe me, Hannah, the way you look at Nate tells how you truly feel. Gano'n din naman si Nate sa 'yo but I just don't understand how the both of you couldn't see it."

"Because it's confusing. He's mad at me. I don't understand," masakit na ang ulo na saad niya.

"But one of you should make the first move. And I say, it should be you, Hannah."

Hindi siya sumagot pero inisip niya ang sinabi nito. Siya nga ba ang dapat mauna?

Kung sabagay, siya ang umalis. Nate already did his part by forcing her to come back. It's her turn to try to make things work.

It's time para bumawi. She had hurt Nate and Elisha. Panahon na para ipadama na hindi niya sinasadya.