Chapter 1
I think my friends misunderstood something when I told them clubs weren’t my thing.
“You said it was because they’re too small and had bad music,” said Tammy, managing to look ridiculously pleased with herself and anxious at the same time. “We called ahead and gave them a playlist of some of your favorite dance songs for the next hour.”
I perked a bit. “Vivaldi’s Winter?”
Maria, on the other side of me and dressed like a disco ball, scoffed.
“Your favorites outside of the instrumental crap. They got to make money still, don’t they?”
“But you said—”
“It was songs already on their list,” Maria said. “Do I look like I’m made of money?”
Tammy smiled apologetically. “It was songs off their list. I promise, they’re ones you like.”
“But it’s a club.”
Maria let out a loud groan. “God, can you at least trust us for once? How long have we been friends?”
“Since high school, so…”
“Since forever,” said Maria. “Point is, when getting over a douche-bag, you’ve got to try all the tricks, and that includes clubbing.”
Tammy nodded and licked one of her fingers, which she used to fix a dark curl on my face. She had taken particular care in doing my hair and makeup that night, more than my own mother ever had. I caught a momentary flash of my reflection in her glasses as a particularly bright street sign went past.
Minutes later, the taxi with the three of us crammed in the back seat pulled up to the drop-off spot in front of a tall, modern building made of stars and tinted glass. Moonscape shone in bright blue neon near the top, making the snow and frost around us glow.
I allowed myself to gawk.
“It’s huge,” I said.
“Exactly,” said Tammy, all smug and no grace. “Plenty of room to dance.”
That didn’t change the fact that it was more likely than not filled to the gills with people, but…I really did want to dance. Dancing had been the only time I’d been able to breathe this past week, though the school studio wasn’t open the time I needed it most: at night, when thoughts of him came and stuck.
And, well, maybe Maria had a point about alcohol. I had never been much of a drinker. But she insisted once I’d had a drink or two, I wouldn’t care about the people watching and just let loose among the lights and darkness.
But it was mostly Tammy’s slender hand squeezing mine that encouraged me through the black glass doors.
A new world spread out before me. After the pair of bouncers at the door, the space spread out to the transparent ceiling, which showed the dark sky beyond. Three floors worth of balconies lined the sides but kept close to the edges like a poker player’s prized hand, leaving the majority of the space filled with lights, fog, and the vibrations of its own heartbeat.
Despite my apprehensions, the dance floor was relatively clear, though it could have just been the sheer size. The tube-like dance stages to either side of the DJ were empty at the moment. The drink bar had been tucked against the wall on the same level as the dance floor, covering the entire length, and lit with soft, but clear, blue light which turned all the liquid inside to the same violet.
“See?” Maria prodded my side. “Lots of space.”
“Oh! And one of your songs is already playing! Listen, listen!” chirped Tammy.
Their honest sincerity did more for the painful ache in my chest than the dance hall.
I grabbed Maria’s hand, so I had both hers and Tammy’s, and squeezed.
“I love you guys.”
Despite that, it was hard to get into the mood. True, the songs playing I liked when I was in a party mood. But I couldn’t quite ignore the presence of the other dancers, or even the few patrons drinking at the bar, never mind anyone who could be watching from the balconies above. Tammy noticed quickly, despite my efforts to hide it, and proceeded to drag me to the bar where she shoved something sweet and strong into my hand.
After that, I managed to sort of start moving. The weight of the eyes lightened, and my imagination happily lifted me off from the clouds and into the lights, where I flew, twisted, and fell in love with the curves of my body all over again. I could feel the urge to let go, to truly lift off and dance, but just as I’d start to spin into a pirouette, I remembered where I was and how stupid it would look to do a classical dance in a club. My friends’ happy faces flashed by with each turn I made. I could smell my own shampoo and whatever chemical they used in the fog machine. I thought I could even smell the cologne of the DJ, who bobbed his head to his own world. The pounding of the bass seemed to punch through my ears.
Tammy and Maria, tipsy on a few drinks themselves, had attracted two male friends who’d come together, and I couldn’t understand how they could be comfortable arm in arm with strangers. I just managed to escape being pulled into a weird circle dance with them. The last thing I wanted was to be beneath some random’s guy’s armpit.
“I’m gonna get another drink,” I shouted above the music.
They just bobbed their heads like chickens and laughed. Maria’s frizzy hair had already been tamed by sweat, and Tammy’s glasses had caught a few strands of blond that had escaped her bun.
I didn’t think it’d be any quieter at the bar. Yet, somehow, through some strange trickery of modern architecture, it was. After a moment’s hesitation, I ordered something sweet but lighter than what Tammy had gotten me and set to sipping away the disappointment I hadn’t known I had. I loved my friends. Really, I did. But I would give anything to not be here.
I found myself ordering another drink after I’d finished the second. I was starting to finally get why people drank. My blood seemed to hum pleasantly, and I felt oddly warm and distant from the ache in my chest that made it hard to breathe.
Just as the third martini appeared in front of me, a man slid onto the stool next to me. I opted to focus on the light pink of my drink rather than look.