Chapter 40: Maid of honor

The bar had an exit straight to the beach. I held on to the bannister while I climbed down the steps to avoid holding on to him. At the bottom, I took off my sandals and stepped into the fine sand.

Evening was turning into night, but the hotel’s private beach was brightly lit and packed with people enjoying a walk by the sea. It looked like there were more people on the beach than in the bar.

He had something on his mind, but he didn’t seem willing to open up. We walked in silence until we got to the edge of the private beach. Beyond, there were no lamp lights. The public beach was not deserted either, but it felt different under the moon and the starry sky. The other people didn’t seem quite real, only grey silhouettes moving like ghosts in the moonlight.

As if he’d been waiting to be out of that artificial light, he started speaking in a weary voice.

“I didn’t want to get here early. I didn’t want to think about this wedding for a minute more than I had to. I always knew that one day she’d get married, but it feels like time flew by.”

It was strange to be his confidant. He’d talked to me like this only once, a few days before everything changed between us. If he needed a friend, I was going to try to be what he needed. I wished I could find something to say, to make him feel better.

He shook his head. His voice grew stronger. Steadier. And yet… sadness and helplessness pulsated underneath his determination.

“She’s not a little girl anymore. It’s only natural to give her away. This rehearsal was very useful.”

He fell quiet. His shoulders sagged, and he slowed down. I didn’t like it. Fred Fred was a man of action. Seeing him so lost, so defeated, was unbearable. I had to snap him out of it. I reached for the first thing I could think to change the subject.

“Sorry about your nose. How does it feel?”

He stopped abruptly. When he looked at me, the intensity in his eyes shocked me. It was neither the sadness I expected, nor the coldness I feared.

“Feel?” he repeated my word with a strange inflexion in his voice. “It sure as hell doesn’t feel natural to give you away.”

He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close. He kissed me hard, crushing my lips. His hands drifted up, clutching my hair, holding me steady while he devoured me with the same harshness and despair I felt in his goodbye kiss. Out of all the crazy moments we spent together, that last kiss haunted me the most.

And, just like last time, he broke the kiss abruptly and left without a word. He disappeared into the night. By the time I could move my feet, he was gone.

To follow or not to follow, that is the question.

My shaky legs were no match for a man who jogged every freaking day. But I didn’t need speed to get what I wanted. I knew where to find him. The real question was if I should open the door I tried so hard to keep closed.

Seeing him again, I had to accept that instead of fading away, my crush had deepened. The intense desire burned hotly, threatening to consume me. I couldn’t ask him to love me back, but I could take what he offered.

He offered me one night again. That impulsive, raw kiss had proved that much.

I dragged my feet through the sand, thinking about what just happened. Not about him walking away. Whatever had made him leave didn’t matter to me. Did he have someone back in New York for whom he felt some loyalty? I had casually asked Nora about it, and she went off on a rant about her dad being a lonely workaholic. But maybe she didn’t know everything about him. After all, she didn’t know about him and me.

It hurt to imagine Fred caring for someone else, but, to my shame, it wouldn’t stop me. He was here, alone, and he wanted me.

What held me back was the fear that having sex with him would ruin all my efforts to fall out of love.

When I noticed I was rushing back to the hotel, I realized that my decision was made. Like I ever stood a chance.

The hell with tomorrow.

A strange peace came with the decision. My mind started working on the mechanics of getting it done. My reasons for doing or resisting faded away, leaving room for the exhilarating present and the tantalizing future.

I made a quick detour to the drugstore across the hotel. I got a bottle of tanning lotion and a magazine to have something next to the pack of condoms. I nearly dropped everything when my phone buzzed.

“Want some company?”

The text from Mitchell scared the hell out of me. My heart hammered against my ribs as I looked out for the only person on the island who should not have seen me buying condoms. I couldn’t see him anywhere, so I had to assume that it had been a random text. I really, really, really wanted to believe that.

When my hands stopped shaking, I texted him back.

“I need my beauty sleep. Tom

orrow will be hell. I mean fun.”

#

In my wardrobe, the dresses that Fred had brought hung neatly next to each other. I had arranged them from the sweet orchid pink of the bridesmaids’ dresses to sparkling white of Nora’s wedding dress. In the middle, mine made the transition between them. I took it out and draped it on the back of a chair. Nora had insisted I pick a lighter shade of pink. The champagne pink I had chosen looked like floral white in this light.

I stepped into the shower, thinking about my next move. I had already tried on the dress, and reported to Nora that it fit well. She hadn’t insisted on photographic evidence, but it was a good pretext to ask for her father’s help.

Her father.

Thinking of Fred as Nora’s father gave me an unexpected thrill. I didn’t want to imagine Nora’s reaction if she ever found out. Or what my parents might think. But they weren’t here. Fate had given me the chance to have Fred all to myself for another night.

I toweled myself briskly and put on the dress. I only pulled the zipper halfway up. I could get it all the way up, but I wanted a reason to get him close to me. Although he wanted this to happen, I could count on him to fight against his desire. I didn’t want give him any chance to resist me.

In the shower, I had washed away thoroughly all the makeup. A touch of mascara and a drop of lip-gloss would be enough. I took in a deep breath, and texted him my room number with a concise message.

“New assignment from “the boss”. I need your help.”

Minutes crawled by. He wouldn’t refuse to help me, even if he suspected I had ulterior motives to lure him to my room. He cared enough about me to give me the benefit of the doubt.