Chapter 61

ANNA.

I hate hospitals, always have.

When Neil walks in, Finn sleeping in his arms and his eyes dark with grief, I know instantly that I’ve miscarried. I expect the tears to fall from my eyes. I expected a hurt in my chest, so bad I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

But I feel nothing. There’s a stillness within me that not even the news can waver. Maybe it’s the painkillers.

“He’s asking to see you,” Neil says quietly, as if scared that talking too loudly will set me off. “You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”

I stare at him blankly. “I never said I didn’t want to. He is my husband.”

“You almost died, Brianna. Have any idea what it took to—”

“Send him in, Mr. O’Connor. I’m not having this or any conversation with you. You’re an outsider. This is my family. You have no say in this.”

Neil is quiet for some time, and he breathes in deeply. “I’m just going to assume you’re being extra mean today because of…well, everything, but if he does something else, I’m calling the cops.”

I look away, folding my hands to my chest, careful of the IV still attached to my wrist. He leaves and shortly after, Sean bursts in. He’s suddenly on the bed beside me, pulling me into his arms, kissing my cheeks and the top of my hair, whispering how sorry and stupid he was.

Then he pulls back, looks me in the eye and says, “You didn’t tell me you were pregnant. Was it mine?”

I observe him. His hair I used to like waving my fingers through, the stubble on his chin I used to pull at fondly, his long lashes I’d stare at every time he slept beside me, his lips that made so many promises that he never fulfilled, his strong arms that only ever held me when we had sex, never after, when I wanted to be held or cuddled, his eyes that have grown distant and colder over the months.

It’s hard to look at him. To look at someone you love and recognize nothing in them.

It makes me wonder. Did I ever even know Sean? I don’t like to think of such things. May says I’m strong, but I don’t think I am. I’d rather turn a blind eye to the flags than admit they are there because I absolutely despise being in pain. Crying, raging, hating…you see, it takes a lot of energy that I do not have. Or want to have.

“It was,” is all I say.

His eyes turn mournful, regretful, and before he can start kissing me again and apologizing, I add, “But I wish it wasn’t.” I angle my head at him, surprised at the absolute void in my voice as I say, “Let’s get separated. Divorced, if the break goes on for long enough—"

Sean recoils from me so fast, you’d think I had a virus. “You’re out of your mind if you think I’m going to let you take away everything I’ve worked so hard for. Or Finn.”

Not surprising. Seeing as he cared little about what he did. What it meant that he’d pushed me so hard, I lost his child. That might have been the last straw. Maybe, I can’t tell, and I find it very hard to care right now. I think something’s wrong with me. Maybe not wrong. Right, for once.

“You can have it all, Sean. I’ll sign your documents if you need me to. We’ll discuss shared custody of Finn, which is more than you deserve, more than any judge will grant you when I tell them what you did.”

His muscles tense, and he lunges for me, gripping my hair hard enough to pull it out. Nothing he does could surprise or shock me anymore at this point.

Sean blinks, and for a moment, his eyes widen—as usual. He pulls back abruptly. “I’m sorry. I—I’m really sorry, Anna.” He cups my cheeks. “Don’t say things like that. You know how much it hurts me to see you like this. To cause you pain. I know you’re hurt, and I did this, but I’ll make it up to you. I’ll take some time off work. We’ll go on a trip, me, you and Finn. We’ll go wherever you want. Mexico? You said you liked Mexico. We’ll go there, and…and everything will be fine again. I’ll do better. It’s work. And that man. I don’t like seeing you around him. He’s ruining our marriage—”

“Italy,” I whisper tiredly. “Not Mexico. Italy. It’s May’s favorite place in the world. You wouldn’t know that. You never asked.”

He smiles. “We’ll go there too if you want to. Just don’t say anything about getting separated anymore. I love you, Anna.”

My hands rise and I wrap my fingers around his, pulling his hands down from my face. “I don’t love you anymore.”

His face mirrors incredulity, clearly caught off guard, and then he laughs. “You and I know that’s a lie. I was your first. The only man you’ve ever loved or been with.”

Yet, he accused me and hit me because he found me in the room with Neil. He knew I’d never cheat on him, yet…

Neil’s words come to me again. That Sean had been at the hotel with someone else. I have no proof of that, but if it is indeed true, and Sean had been by the counter, kissing another woman…Laughter bubbles within me, but I stifle it. I’ll look into it as soon as I get out of here.

I don’t lie often, but when I do, it’s difficult to set it apart from the truth. Like…now. “I’m in love with Neil,” I say without batting an eyelash. “Asking to get separated is to give me enough space and time to build a relationship with him.”

There. There’s that rage I have gotten used to. His eyes darken and his fingers clench and unclench. He wants to hit me again, I can tell, but he knows better than to hurt me in here.

Why did I lie? Hurt. Pain. Helplessness. I want him to go through everything he’s subjected me to in the past couple of days. The stupid calls and lying about who they were from, the late nights and NO nights, the emotional gaslighting, the abuse, the grooming, everything. It’ll start with this little lie, and then I’ll pull the ground from under his feet, make his narcissistic ass beg me for real.

Because I’ve had enough. More than enough to numb me. I don’t even feel the hurt anymore.

Sean stands and leans over me, breathing hard. “So, you slept with him that day? He’s out there, carrying my son in his arms like Finn is his. How long has this been going on, Anna?” His voice is a hushed whisper, yet, I hear the barely restrained anger as he speaks.

My face is a calm mask as I respond, “I didn’t sleep with him that day, but I will. Soon, and maybe I’ll let you call me a whore then. Maybe I’ll deserve you hitting me, yes?”

He groans and crouches low in front of me, taking both my hands into his. “What do you want from me? Are my apologies not enough?”

Not nearly, I think. “I want nothing from you anymore, Sean. I should’ve let you go when you said you were leaving. I’m tired of fighting and trying. I can’t even look at you anymore. You disgust me,” I assert, pulling my hands out of his grasp.

“Anna—”

I lean back against the pillows and close my eyes, the feeling of nausea and a throbbing in my head washing over me. “I’m tired and want to sleep. Please leave.”

The only indication that he’s left is the door slamming shut, and I crack an eye open when it opens again almost immediately, Neil stands in the doorway, his eyes scanning me for…anything.

“No work today?” I ask, feeling a little winded even if I’ve been here for heaven knows how long.

“A few meetings, but I rescheduled them.”

“Why?”

“Frankly, I have no idea. I just…” He pats down Finn’s hair. “I had to be here.”

"How's Tina?" I ask, and the man scowls at me, his blue eyes shining with mock rage. "Low blow, Mrs. She isn't taking my calls, but that's to be expected. She's...ah...getting married in a few days. I didn't get an invite."

"What did you do?" I ask, growing rather comfortable with the pillow that smells fresh, yet sickly.

He shrugs gently. "Beats me. She said I was insufferable."

"You 'are' insufferable," I chuckle.

Neil doesn't respond. He smiles, staring at me, and for a long time, we don't say anything to each other.

Suddenly, I sit up, biting my lower lip nervously. "I'm..." I let out a breath. "I'm going to have an affair, Neil."

His eyebrows go up. "With whom?"

"You."