The pains don't stop.

Amanda

Although I have recovered slowly and the reunions with my loved ones have made me feel better emotionally, the idea of not being able to see and hug my father one last time worries me, I prayed to heaven that he would get better soon and to go see him, I would have I had to wait another week for a possible release from the hospital, my body still needed to recover much more, and the time I had been hospitalized was not enough at all, this would take months.

Today is one more visiting day, I hope my children come, they make my life more pleasant I try to fix myself up a bit with the help of the nurse who is taking care of me, she had been a sun with me, she tried to help me in whatever I could, I'm just doing a little makeup to receive them, when instead of my children I see Carlos come in with a sad face.

“Carlos! My love, what are you doing here? Where is Camille and Santiago? You surprised me without fixing yet”

He approaches me and without saying anything he gives me a big hug, and a kiss on my cheek, he looks me in the eye and sadly kisses me again, I was not understanding anything of what was happening.

“What happens my love that you have?” I tell him as if it was him that something was happening to him.

“Amanda, I'm really sorry, I would not have liked to be the one to give you this news, but it's unfortunate your father passed away at dawn” When he finishes saying this, he rushes to me again and takes me in his arms and he hugs me even tighter, I feel like inside me a pang goes through my chest, and a great emptiness seizes my stomach, the heartbreaking cry begins to come out, while I cling to the arms of my beloved.

My father had left my side, without life having given me the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him and how much I appreciated what he had done for me.

I don't know how many minutes I spent crying in Carlos's arms, losing a loved one was a terrible feeling, I couldn't even hold back my tears to even breathe, my heart had broken into a thousand pieces and I wanted to give everything to turn back time and having been able to tell him to his face everything he had for him, he was so sorry for this news, he was sorry for being in this situation and not being able to go and say his last goodbye as he truly deserved.

“Carlos can't be. Where are my children?”

“Camille is helping your father's brother with the wake procedures, Santiago is at home, he is taking care of the calls, despite being such a small child he has taken responsibility in a very mature way” I smile at him for what he is telling me, during everything, is something that makes me happy.!”

“Poor my children, they have had to take responsibility for many things that at their young age they should not take”.

“Honestly Amanda, I am seriously sorry that your father has passed away, they decided that they are going to put him in a burning chamber, there will be no vigil, just a private meeting, due to the situation you are in right now.”

“I would like to see my father one last time, call the doctor to see if he gives me special permission” Carlos leaves the room in search of a specialist who could possibly give Amanda a temporary discharge.

A few minutes later Carlos returns, but his face is not the best.

“Amanda, they can't give you a way out, you could expose yourself to acquiring some bacteria that damages the treatment and puts your life in danger, it's better to say hello now, I think you could attend remotely through a video call so that you can see your father one last time.”

“It is that this is not the same, I want to do it in person, so that I can hug him once more” I was feeling like in the bottom of my heart a great emptiness was nesting, I really wanted to see my dad, but My health was also at stake and if I wanted to be out of the hospital soon I had to obey what the doctors ordered me to do. If I got out of here and got sick again, it wouldn't make any sense to have gone through this whole healing process, no matter how much pain I felt in my chest, my father would also surely agree that my health comes first, rather than exposing myself again to an infection”.

“ So Amanda? I need to go with your children to help them with whatever they need.”

“Thank you Carlos, really, our family is very small, and apparently our social circle ended up being very closed, my father with so many friends that he was supposed to have and none of them is helping him at the moment, his brother, The poor man is so old that he can't do anything anymore, you know, right now I'm grateful for being alive so I don't leave my children alone”.

“Count on me for whatever you need, while I'm alive, I'll do everything possible to help you and be there for you.”

Carlos gives me his hug again, being by his side gave me strength, I loved him so much, at this moment I just wanted to be by his side and by my children's side, and of course they caught Christopher.

“Well Amanda, I'll go, receive the call that it will be time for your father's funeral, I'll try to come again tomorrow” he looks at me compassionately and I thank him, I needed that.

A few hours later with all the heart breaking, I receive the call from my family, they were doing a small private mass, I attended and clung to what you can believe in what you love that I could, at the end of the road we are always going to need something or someone to believe in and at this moment I had no choice but to hold on to the most holy.

After this, my father was taken to a burning chamber to cremate his earthly remains, until then I could see through the video call that Carlos very kindly made for me. My heart wanted to be accompanying them at that moment, but nothing was perfect, I had had enough with the opportunity to be alive and that was already a gift.

That night it was not so easy to fall asleep, I kept thinking about everything I was thinking about, I kept thinking about my poor father and what was missing for me to reconcile with him. It was almost 3 am…. Sleep finally overcame me.

“Daughter, daughter wake up, it's already afternoon”.

“Late for what dad? let me sleep a little bit more, I feel tired.”

“Daughter, I want us to go to the cemetery to visit your mother, it's been a long time since we went to meet her, she must miss us”

"I don't think so dad, she's dead" I covered myself with the sheet again, there was nothing that annoyed me more than going to the boring cemetery to visit a pile of land where my mother was buried, she lived in my heart, I it hurt a lot to have to go.

“Come on Amanda! I won't take you back if you don't want it like that anymore, but come on, let's play with your mother for a while” when he told me that, I felt a peace enter my room, I woke up completely and I'm in my room where I was girl, my pink bed and simple wooden furniture surrounded me, I was dressed in my white robe pajamas. She was just a girl, a feeling of tranquility is present, my father is younger than I remembered him, his clear eyes shone and looked at me tenderly.

Suddenly, as if by magic, I am wearing a blue dress and I am holding his hand on the way to the cemetery, I feel so happy, I did not remember doing how much I did not feel this way, it is an innocent happiness, one of those that is only felt when we are children, I walked on a horse holding his hand, until we reached the top of the cemetery where my mother was buried.

“Daddy, is she, my mother? The one that she is there?” I point to a beautiful woman who is standing in front of us with a beautiful pink dress, and an angel smile, she looks at me and extends her arms to me, I run out to hers and take refuge in her.

Yes, it was my mother, and the three of us were like when I was little and I was happy, the three of us melted into a huge hug, and there was not a single tear, there was not a single feeling of pain, or anguish in the midst of that At that moment, the three of us complemented each other, we walked through a valley, my mother and father played with me, as they always did, and they gave me many kisses and hugs, I never remembered how happy I had been to feel their love.

“Daughter, you know that we must go, right? “My mother bends down at my height and looks at me with honey “colored eyes, her breathing is so soft and her breath is so sweet of hers, that I don't want her to get away from there, my father also turns to me.

“We just want you to know Amanda that you were always our treasure, when your mother left our side, there was not a single night that I did not miss her and suffered for the absence that she caused my heart, that just like her I I also love you and I love you with my soul, daughter, you are the most beautiful and precious thing that life gave us, and that you can live in peace because I have nothing to forgive you, I know that you love me as I love you and I am leaving in peace.

“Where are they going? please don't leave me” I tell them immersed in deep tears, it was a real melancholy, with them I felt happy and at peace like never before, I wanted to go with them, I didn't understand why they were leaving me, if that was the only place where I wanted to be, was by his side.”

“Daddy, mommy, please don't go!”

“One…two…three – Step back” A doctor was trying to revive me, I feel my lungs fill with air and I open my eyes, I'm not a girl anymore, I'm in the hospital room, I'm surrounded by doctors, I'm alive!

“Amanda, what a scare you gave us! “a doctor approaches me and checks me, his face is pale, the nurses do not come out of astonishment, how can I gesticulate a word.

“What happened to me doctor?” my voice is soft and weak.

“We do not know for sure what happened, you only died for a period of two minutes, one more minute and we had not been able to revive you, you began to have a cardiorespiratory arrest while you were sleeping, your blood pressure suddenly dropped”.

“What hours is doctor?”

“3:25 am, we're really glad you're okay, we still can't understand the event that just happened with you, but that you came back to life from one moment to the next, I can tell you that it was a true miracle, please keep an eye on her, we can't let that happen to her again”.

No, it was not a miracle, it was my parents who were saying goodbye to me, they did it in their own way, connecting their world with mine, they are happy and well and they also want me to be, I feel like my heart no longer suffers pain for my father's departure and I sleep peacefully.