Chapter 65

Dear Britney,

What’s happening right now feels like a dream—the people, the stage, the music, even the screams. It’s the first night of the tour. Well, not my tour exactly. This is Lizzy McAlpine’s concert. I’m just the opening act for tonight, and for the rest of the tour. Still, I’ve never been this excited in my life. Not even after Taylor Swift’s concert.

Mom is going through her treatments. She’s getting better. It breaks my heart that she can’t be here to see me tour, but I promised her I’ll try to do live chats so she can still watch.

My debut album is set to release next month—only in London for now. If the sales go well, they’ll release it in the U.S. and Asia too.

“Hey, babe.” Harry says behind me.

“I thought you wouldn’t make it.” I say, smiling as he pulls me into a tight hug.

I kiss him hard, then pull away.

“I didn’t think I’d miss you this much.” he whispers. “Do you not want me here?”

“Are you kidding?” I laugh, giving him a quick peck. “I really wanted to see you.”

The floor director calls me. “It’s time, Elise.”

I grab my guitar while Harry takes a seat backstage and blows me a flying kiss. I make the sign of the cross, step onto the stage, and exhale.

“Hi, I’m Elise.” I say into the mic.

The lights are blinding. The screams are deafening. These people aren’t here for me. They didn’t come to sing and dance with me. They came for Lizzy. Still, the feeling is overwhelming.

I begin the first song:

I’m so bored just playing

Playing the songs

I wonder if one day

You’ll wake up, find me, love me

And answer my questions

Like in a movie

A fairytale… or just my broken dreams.

(Chorus):

Can you be my hero tonight?

Can you be my man tonight?

Will you answer my questions?

Will you love me tonight?

Just tonight…

Or just in my broken dreams?

Verse II:

Me and my imagination, here in my room

Thinking of you getting down on one knee

Saying “I love you”

I dream of walking down the aisle

And you’re my groom

Even though deep down

I know it’s just

One of my broken dreams

(Chorus repeats)

The crowd applauds. I breathe in.

“I want to sing one more song before Lizzy comes out,” I say. “This one’s called Reminder. It’s for my best friend… who took her life.”

I begin again.

I remember it tonight

Flashlights

Crickets in the night

Morning stars

Black dress

Wet streets

(Chorus):

Because everything I see

Is a reminder to be here tonight

It’s like a movie

Playing backwards in my head

I remember things—

Laughter

Tears

Finding love in places

Making promises we never kept

Look at where we really are…

\[Chorus repeats\]

Now that we’ve gone our separate ways

Now that we didn’t get to say goodbye

Everything is a reminder

Of you…

When I finish, the guilt floods back in—like it always does. Maybe it’s pathetic, but guilt is what keeps me alive. If pain and guilt were removable, I’d do anything to take them away.

I leave the stage, letting the crowd wait for who they really came for.

Harry meets me backstage. “You were amazing.” he says.

I just smile and walk toward the dressing room.

…

The concert ends as midnight arrives. Everyone’s asleep—everyone expects me to be asleep—but I’m wide awake, though far from the world I’m physically in. My mind won’t stop. Maybe this is my purpose, to suffer for surviving. I’ve already heard their praise, the good lucks, the applause, the fans taking pictures with me, of me, on me. But I don’t deserve it. My best friend took her life while I’m out here making a name for myself. I open the drawer. The pills are still there. The pills. The same kind she took. Loneliness has swallowed me—even though I have everything everyone seems to want. I thought I was finally okay. I thought things would get better. But no. There’s still a storm in my head. The emptiness Harry once helped take away feels like a lie now—bright lights in a dark world he pulled me into. And now, I’m being shoved back into a reality I never wanted.

I didn’t notice something was wrong with Brit. Neither did Harry. He didn’t help her. We. Let. Her. Die. Maybe it’s my turn.

I swallow one pill. Do I just want to sleep? Another one. Maybe not. Another. Brit, I’m coming. And another. Am I sure? And another. Yes. My vision blurs. My head spins. This is what she felt. I cry.

“Why does everything feel like darkness?”

Everything is blurry—my vision, my thoughts, my feelings...

The world turned grey when you and dad died. It turned rainbow and white when I met Harry. And it turned grey and black again when I found your letter—the one you gave to him. That’s when I realized… he was the ‘friend’ you always talked about. Now I’m at the peak of my life. My career is starting. I just shared a stage with Lizzy McAlpine. But you know what? I don’t feel honored. I don’t feel proud. I feel empty. And guilty because you died and I don’t feel better shining out on stage without you. Is this what you wanted for me, Brit? I don’t think so. There’s still a sharp pang in my chest—that’s why I’m writing this. I can’t take it anymore. The loneliness. The darkness. It’s growing inside me. I don’t know if I deserve any of this.

You’re dead. And I’m supposed to be happy? I don’t even remember what happiness feels like.

I love Harry. I love mom. I love Zara and Arya.

But I can’t keep living this way. This bitterness is eating me alive. Just like you, Brit… I just want the pain to stop.

Maybe soon, we’ll see each other again. And when we do—if you need me…

I’ll be there.

To Harry:

We will see each other again one day, and when that happens, I promise to love you—forever and always. But for now, I have to let you go. Find someone who truly deserves you, because I don’t think I do. Don’t worry—I’ve already forgiven you for hiding the biggest truth you ever kept from me. And despite everything, I love you—truly, honestly, and endlessly. The day I met you, is the day I found music sounds better than it ever did before.

Love, E