Chapter 44: Badly wounded heart

My heart was in tatters, broken in my chest. Tears welled at the edge of my eyes as I kissed him back, both of us knowing that this thing between us had to end. Hell, we should never have started it.

"I want it too," I whispered. But we know I can't.

I was going to kill William with my bare hands if I had to.

EDWARD

Amelia had her eyelashes pressed tightly to her cheek as I watched her sleep, her cheek pressed against my chest. Her body was like a small radiator, too hot to sleep comfortably, but I didn't want to get away from her either.

The whole night had been much gloomier than I had intended. After she rejected my somewhat hasty proposal, the reality of what was to come weighed heavily on both of us. The food tasted like ash on my tongue despite being cooked by excellent chefs, and the sunset had been dulled to gray by the melancholy that stuck to me like tar. The moment the question had left my lips, I had etched the dream in stone. It was quick and foolish, but I wanted Amelia to be mine.

Then she said no.

I should have been reassured, it wasn't about me, it was about the situation, but I had opened myself up to rejection for the first time in a long time and it struck a chord with me. For a long time I had kept my guard up, but she had broken through and left an Amelia-shaped hole inside me that I feared would never be filled. She told me she would find someone else, but I would never fit into her hole, no matter how hard I tried to force her.

She moved against me, her lips parted slightly and her hair tickled my shoulder. Fuck, she was beautiful. I wanted to hold her there until I memorized every freckle on her face, until I knew every curve, until her scent was so ingrained in my nostrils that I'd recognize her as soon as I walked into a room.

How had I done it? I'd had sex before, and it had never left me so torn and raw. That couldn't be it - was it her letting me see the real her, the one hiding behind the perfect mobster facade? Was it her tenacity and her fight? Whatever it was, I had fallen in love.

It wasn't fair.

Why did it have to be her for me, when I couldn't have her?

I would kill William myself , the absolute asshole who kept ruining people's lives.

I closed my eyes and bent my head to inhale the smell of Amelia's hair . Wasn't I better than William ? I had ruined many lives doing my job. Never for a good reason, nor for a good reason of my own. I had lived my life as a puppet, enjoying having my strings coordinated and the false sense that Harry and Klye needed me.

My eyes were wet when I opened them. Painful memories bombarded me from the recesses of my mind where I had stuffed them. The silhouette of my mother and father, so fucking distant and blurry with all the years that had passed. That whisper of love I remembered, the feeling of being wanted. Sure. Then the reams of memories of my time after them, trapped in a system that held me in low esteem. Social workers used to mean well, but once I was labeled difficult, it was my word against the foster caregivers'. They were adults. They knew how to manipulate and lie far better than I knew how to defend myself. The slippery slope where I became a man to be feared, a man who didn't flinch when I ripped off fingers or stuck threats into people with a knife. Where I had become so hardened that nothing mattered. The fight to have my place, something that was finally mine to keep, that no one would take away from me. I would give it all for a chance with Amelia . To be the man she comes home to, the man who eases her pain and brings her joy.

" Her stunned voice broke into my thoughts, her fingers wiping away tears as I stared at the ceiling. It's all right. It's going to be all right."

No. It won't.

She nuzzled my neck. I know.

"I want the chance to love you, Amelia . Not like this, secretly and secretly. But for real."

His voice trembled, his eyes meeting mine as he sat up, leaning over me.

How could he not?

The smile on his face didn't reach his eyes, which were as glassy and moist as mine. Oh, Edward , if you can't love me right, then love me wrong.

Then he was everywhere at once, his mouth on mine, his hands lost in my hair and his body completely pressed against me. Rays of orange light streaked across her freckled skin as the day came. The day that would ruin me.

I gave myself as much as she did, turning us around to crush her beneath me. Our tongues clashed in feverish abandon, words replaced by stark emotion as our souls collided and intertwined.

Every kiss, every flick of my tongue, every moan, everything screamed "I love you." I love you. I love you.

Another twist of her body left her on top of me, taking me inside her with an arc of hips that took my breath away. My fingers dug into her hips as I moved her against me, matching the jerky movements she made until she moaned on top of me.

I nibbled on her lips as she moaned into my mouth, her skin hot to the touch. It was too fast, too much. I had to slow down. In a few hours we would be on a plane and I wanted to savor her.

Slow down, baby, I'm not ready to finish and if you keep this up, I'm going to explode as fast as a fucking virgin. You feel too good.

She let out a giggle as I flipped her over on the bed and knelt between her thighs, absently fiddling with her clit. Just enough to drive her crazy, but not enough to make her cum.

Remember what you asked me to do before I took you home?

The crimson that reddened her cheeks told me that hadn't been far from her mind either.

'Yes,' she said, swallowing saliva as she lowered her fingers and plunged them inside her.

What?