Chapter 37: Chapter Thirty-Eight

**POV MADS**

I closed my eyes and all I could see were Adrien's hands on Dakota. All I wanted to see was a simple black blur, but instead, I was reminded of possible moments they could have shared. Jealousy was concentrated in a certain area of my chest where it burned, stung and ached with frustration and anger.

The image of Adrien came to mind, the baby in my arms, wrapped in swaddling clothes, his face pale and his hair turning black. I loved him more than anything, I loved his weight on my arm, his toothless smile, his first steps, the slurred speech that already recognized me as his father. Perhaps I loved him even more when he showed me his tongue for the first time when he locked himself in his room when he thought he was entitled to everything by calling himself a grown man, and now I continued to love him even when he touched and desired the woman I so desperately wanted. I still loved him as a son, but a part of me hated him as a man. And Dakota... this woman was the reason for all my destabilization, my lust, my desire, my hunger, my need.

It had been hard to concentrate, to keep my eyes on any point, on any face but hers. I could still see those dark, intense eyes staring at me. My mind was hanging by a thread, the gait was getting too tight, and she was so attentive, so glued to me, that my ego was rising deliciously. Sometimes my eyes would accidentally land on her, and God, her eyes fixed on my body, clearly staring at my pants, her lips half open, it was too much for me.

Remembering last night had become an addictive habit, I could feel it, raising my hands in the air to grab at nothing, yet I pretended her back was writhing in my palms, leaning toward my mouth, her eager, trembling hips begging for the pleasure I could give her. Even now, with my fists clenched and a nervous tightness in my chest from jealousy, my cock was rock hard. Even as I fought it all, I could only think of the controlling way to make it clear that she was mine.

My office felt like a prison, a cave where I could run and hide, even though all I wanted to do was be as revealing and haughty as possible. My ego was screaming in my head, and sometimes I was weak enough to listen to it, even though I hated it when it happened.

The view of New York in the morning seemed unsettling, with cars and little people walking on the sidewalks below forming a backdrop of constant urgency. My mind was restless too, I was on top, but why did I still feel at the bottom?

"Mads..." I close my eyes and breathe deeply. Behind me, I hear that voice, my name on its lips like a well-aimed spell. "Why am I going to Seattle?"

"You're an assistant and I've decided you're going." I say, harder than I'd like. Silence hangs between us and I feel remorse, my hands relax, but she answers seconds later.

"About Adrien..." I straighten up and turn to her. Her eyes stared at me with surprise and a curious gleam, she hadn't taken them off of me for a moment before, it was killing me. I raise my hand to signal her to stop, to stop talking about it. "Your son, Mads." Suddenly I feel anxiety rising in me, stress and an insane desire to smoke. I take a deep breath and look at her, her eyes fixed on mine as if I were the wisest man in the world. Dakota looks at me with hope, with a hidden faith in me that makes me want to get down on my knees and be that man. I wasn't enough for her, but I was too selfish to give in, especially when she looked at me like that. "I have no feelings, if that's what you think, if that's why you looked at me like that." She takes a step forward, her words calm and logical. "But maybe there is something on his part and..."

"I don't care how he feels, Dakota." My words were harsh, each syllable representing the true feeling that filled me. She looks down at her feet, pensive and withdrawn. "Look at me." She obeys slowly, biting her lip, her hands clenched in front of her. "I care more about how you feel," I say, taking a few steps towards her.

"I feel..." I encourage her as I move closer, nodding to get her to speak.

"Say it." She swallows dryly, giving me a pleasant sensation. I inhale as I raise my posture, her face close enough to feel her heartbeat. "Why are you nervous?" I raise my right hand, the contact of my fingers with her chin causing sparks and I feel her shiver, warming and relaxing with my touch.

"I feel like I have to experience everything with you..." Her expression is one of clear pain, something like desire, transparent in her eyes. I feel the softness of her skin and run my finger along her jaw. "And I'm nervous because sometimes it stops me from hating you, I want so much... I gave you so much last night, but it's not enough, Mads, it's not." Her voice is intense, her eyebrows are low in acceptance. "I want to give you everything, I want to be everything with you... I want to be evil." Her words test me like never before, I notice my finger sliding along the outline of her lips, hypnotized by them, by the openness of her mouth when she's so sincere and...damn it.

"Then be."

"I want to be nice, I want to be your lover for one night and the love of your life at the same time. I need that, I need it to be possible...I need you to tell me it's possible." Dakota closes her eyes, her face soft and her voice low like a melancholy whisper, she brushes her cheek against my hand, begging and tasting her words, my heart beats faster, my body heats up and I feel a fierce pleasure poking at me. I gasp helplessly, this promise of life and nights is torture, and the mere thought of it makes me shudder.

"I can't say that." My words hurt, digging deep into my chest like sharp knives. I slide my hand down her cheek, touching her lip with my fingertips, stroking her softness without haste. She sighs and it drives me crazy, blind with desire.

"So tell me you wanted to..." I swallow dryly, yes, I mentally say yes with all my might.

"I want it to be without limits, but they still exist." She moans in frustration, still begging for my touch.

"I hate it."

"Me too, sweetheart. And I hate having to be afraid to be so revealing when it comes to you, I hate feeling jealous and not being able to show it properly, I hate that you and I are seen as strangers to each other." I spit out the words with mixed feelings, though my voice is low and calm. "I hate the possibility of another man seeing what I see in you because he would try too hard, the way I try..." She moans and moves closer, gently, a woman who knows what she wants. Knowing what she wants is killing me because I want it with her. She kisses my fingers and reaches for my thumb, I give it to her, sliding it along her lower lip.

"No man could, no man could see me the way you see me or fuck me the way you fuck me..." She says, opening her lips slightly, my thumb-stopping and suddenly I find myself struggling to control my breathing, the urge to take it all.

"When you say these things, I... "

"Ask me." I struggled to keep my body and mind under control, but I knew she wasn't the best incentive for that.